Sex & Romance
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
WE NEED SPACE!!!
My husband and I moved long distance about 2 months ago and have both been unemployed since then. Until we get jobs we don't want to spend money doing things or on gas driving places, so most of the time, actually ALL of the time we spend lounging at home together. We've either watch TV, play video games, or surf the internet. We've been getting under each others skin lately being so close all the time, arguing over TV time and such because it seems we have nothing else to do. We haven't made friends yet in our new city, and are still searching for jobs. I need some advice on things to do that don't cost money, and can keep us occupied so we don't go crazy with each other. Just know that it's REALLY hot during the day outside, and I don't really like to read very much. Any ideas?
Re: WE NEED SPACE!!!
The husband and I take turns. If he feels like playing a video game on his Xbox I'll go in the other room and play on my computer. We don't even have cable so we've found that we have to share the Netflix as well but again, that's shareable because we have disks and we have the instant play through the Xbox.
I also like to go running early in the morning before it gets hot. It's nice to get some fresh air out of the apt and have my own space as much as we do enjoy each other's company.
It seems to work for us but everyone is different.
Didn't you just post that y'all are on opposite sleeping schedules?
Either way, get out of the house. Go for a walk early in the morning. Get out and beat down doors until you find some type of job. Even if it is walking dogs in your neighborhood, it is a job and it is getting you out of the house.
I understand. When my H and I got married I moved across the state to be with him and knew no one but him. It was hard in the beginning. I felt like such a needy wife.
Could you volunteer? I walk in the mall when it's hot out but I'm going stir crazy.
Has either one of you got a hobby?
IF neither one of you does, get one now.:)
There is also volunteering --- try an animal shelter or your house of worship, fund raising groups for professionals, soup kitchens, food pantries, kids/teens after school programs, to name a few.
That was my question. If you read all three of her posts right here, they don't make any sense together. This is all either MUD or OP may, quite possibly, have serious dissociative identity disorder issues. Just sayin.
He's on a different sleep schedule because he's jerking around all night playing video games until 7 or 8 in the morning.
ANd she's got a whole other problem on her hands -- how is letting your husband bum around all night playing games okay with you and acceptable?
My husband and I are kind of opposites. He's mainly a night person and I enjoy the day. We've been married for just over a year, and I have learned that he LOVES to play video games, mostly at night. Often I've asked him to come to bed with me, and he's said "I'll be there in a minute" but that minute turns into hours, not coming to bed until 3:00am or later. Since we've moved to our new apartment 2 months ago, I can only remember about 3 times he has come to bed at the same time I have. And it's been getting worse. Many times the past few weeks he has been staying up playing video games until 7 or 8am! Then he comes to bed and sleeps until 3pm (we're both unemployed right now). I complain all the time about it and tell him that I feel lonely when he's not in bed with me at night. I say I can "feel" him not there, even when I am sleeping. He doesn't understand that, and says "When I'm asleep, I'm out. I don't feel anything." And the more I complain about him not being there, he says it makes him NOT WANT to go to bed with me. He also says he has a hard time falling asleep and doesn't want to lay there awake. He says he doesn't see it as important that a married couple sleep together every night. I even think it's negatively affecting our sex lives. So my questions are these: do you sleep with your spouse? Am I the only one who can fell when their partner is not beside them? Should I give up trying to get him to sleep beside me and allow myself to grow numb to the loneliness?
Kind of makes a person wonder why these two are unemployeed. I know there are job shortages all over the country. However, if your unemployeed H sits on his asss playing video games all night and then sleeps all day, how is he going to find a job? For that matter, if you are sitting on your ass inside b!tching about how hot it is outside, how do you plan to put yourself out there to find a job?
One other question. What was your reason for a "long distance move" if you had no jobs lined up?
ON the sleeping post: I can tell when he's not beside me even when I'm sleeping.
I totally get him staying awake though. I have the same issue. It takes me hours to fall asleep and I prefer to stay up till I'm exhausted so I don't have to lie in bed waiting for sleep that never comes. That's the worst. Luckily, I was only like that when I didn't have a job. Being unemployed can make you depressed and you sort of live like it too. I suggest having a "sex time" every night at 10 or something so that encourages him to get in bed and also he's doing something active that will make him more tired. In addition, he can try some natural sleeping pills or natural calm every night at the same time because that can help with sleep. Finally, if you can manage to wake him up every morning to do some sort of exercise even if it's just going for a walk, it can help you to be more tired at night.
But, beyond that, it sounds like video games are what he lives for right now. It's difficult to compete with that unless you can give him that same sense of satisfaction in real life. When he is unemployed, he probably feels like he's doing nothing/ going nowhere so an accomplishment in a video game gives him a buzz of I'm doing something. Try to encourage him to get in a schedule with you of volunteering excercising, spending time together on different activities. If nagging him doesn't work then you could try being more positive by trying to meet his needs... complimenting him or being more physical with him or something that makes him feel loved.
This.
If you want to get a job, looking for one should take up a sizeable chunk of your day. I was unemployed for a week last spring--I thought, "Well, this sucks, but I guess I'll at least have free time to take care of some personal stuff until something else comes through." WRONG. I was so busy all week with job hunting, calling people, following up, taking screeners, interviewing, etc., it felt like I didn't get any time off at all. The few hours a day I had left over to watch TV and play video games were amazingly appreciated.
So you don't like this and you don't like that and you can't do that because wah, it's uncomfortable. Sorry, but when you're unemployed and want free entertainment, you don't have much room to be picky. Get a library card and learn to like reading (might help you get a job, too). Deal with the heat and take a walk. Pick up the local free 'zine and browse for free outdoor concerts or festivals that you can just walk around and soak up the sights. Otherwise, STFU.
Wow! Some of you guys are harsh! Well, if you must know about my posts, multiple things can happen in life at the same time, so no, I am not some crazy person making things up. Here's how it goes:
My husband and I are not unemployed by choice. We both recently graduated from college in the northern part of the state, and were both employed. Upon graduation, we moved to the southern part of the state so that I can start grad school later this month. I interviewed for a job at my grad school immediately after arriving, and have had that job lined up for me, but have yet to hear back about when I can begin working. In the meantime I have put in other applications as possible fillers for time. No luck yet. My husband's job said they couldn't transfer him to our new area, so he's been looking for a new job since before we moved. It's kind of hard to go on an interview when you live 700 miles away, so most of the job hunting has been since we have arrived, about 2 months ago. He spends hours and hours working on applications online, and going around handing out resumes just to be told he has to do an application online. He's had some interviews and is very close to obtaining a position. That is why we are currently unemployed.
When he gets done doing applications, usually somewhere between 11pm and 1am, he starts playing video games as a way to unwind. He'll play for hours and sometimes, but not always, into the early morning, while I like to go to bed around midnight. That is where my frustration of him not sleeping beside me comes from. I'm not frustrated with his job hunting process because he does put in hours every day job hunting. That's about all he's doing when he's not playing video games or sleeping. I get frustrated that he is stuck in this cycle of going to bed late and waking up late, only to go to bed late again. I want him to share the bed with me, not just take shifts. I want to cuddle and such, but when he's not there I feel lonely at night
Someone asked if I get am lonely at night, how can I get too much of him during the day? These are two different situations. Sleeping together is like a comfort and bonding thing for me. Like I've said, we've been in the same small apartment for 2 months now, it's been extremely hot and sticky, even with a fan on, and it's been like cabin fever. I want to cuddle at night, just like many couples, but I think some separate time is also necessary. 24 hours a day in the same 3 rooms can make anyone want their own space. I don't want to spend lots of money on gas or things yet because I'd like to think I'm sensible enough to wait until I have a paycheck to go spending. That's why I asked for suggestions on low or no-cost things to do. Plus, I've had to read a LOT for college, and anticipate that I'll have to read even more in grad school, so I'm trying to give my brain a rest before I'm inevitably bombarded with literature in a few weeks. I do read. I just am not into doing a LOT of it right now. That's why I asked for suggestions to fill the other hours of my day.
Now for the sex. When you aren't on the same time schedule, sex can be tricky. I said his video gaming is negatively affecting our sex lives because I usually get frisky around bedtime, but if he's engulfed in his games then, you could see how that could be a problem. Then someone replied by asking whether it is the video games or the heat that is affecting our sex lives. I think it's both. When the times do come that we want to get frisky together, it's extraordinarily hot and uncomfortable. Plus our house holds the heat of the day late into the night, even with the windows open! I was just asking for advice on ways to cool down so when we do have fun, it can be more enjoyable. I don't think that sis too much to ask.
Thanks to all the people who gave me good ideas and advice. Does this make more sense now? Not all marriages and lives are the same, and I was just looking for a little advice to make mine a little better in these major transitions I'm going through.