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F/U to my weekend advice post (wall o' text)
I don't know what the hell to do or think or anything right now and need to talk to some people that have no connection to my friend.
OK so this involves two of our very close friends. They are also our godson's parents and their kids call us Aunt and Uncle.
She cheated on him. Has been having an affair actually. She has recently been diagnosed with bipolar and has been having crazy manic phases and drinking and this is when it has happened. And the guy is in their group of friends. I would say my group of friends since we have also hung out with them, but I don't like most of the people in this group of friends, including cheater guy.
So that was what I was debating telling my H about since we are obviously very close to them and we had actually considered asking them to be Ryker's godparents so this really affects us.
So I told Mr. Winged. I am glad I did and he is glad I did, but honestly both of us wish she had never told me. We are not comfortable hanging out with them knowing what we know if her husband doesn't but obviously we know it is not our place to tell him. Also, we felt that when she tells him that he needs to know that we know.
So today, she texts me this one weird text and then another saying she hoped I was proud of her. Well, the weird text was actually a text to the cheatee saying that it would never happen again, but since they hang out in the same group she is hoping they can be friendly. She sent it to me so i could see it. She then called me. I had not planned on telling her that I told Mr. Winged until I could in person, but it felt wrong not to tell her so I did. Also, she told me she was not going to tell her husband about the affair.
Ever since then I have gotten a variety of texts from her saying she thinks my husband will judge her now and that she thinks it will be uncomfortable. She wants to know if we should cancel our concert plans (we are going to 2 shows next month), she is afriad it will affect our relationship with the kids, etc. She accepts that it is all her fault and wishes she never told me.
Now, I know that Mr. Winged will not want to hang out with them if she won't confess to her husband. I agree it would be too hard.
So, I don't know what is going to happen. I think this is the beginning of the end of our friendship. I see no alternative and it kills me. And I hate that the kids will suffer.
Re: F/U to my weekend advice post (wall o' text)
What a big barrel of suck.
Since it sounds like this friendship may be on its way out, I hope you feel a bit more comfortable just telling her straight up exactly how you feel about the whole thing. If you agree with Mr. Winged that you wouldn't be comfortable hanging around her until she comes clean to her H, tell her so. It may be the one thing that makes the friendship salvageable, so she should know as much.
If you think about it, what she did by unloading on you is entirely unfair. The secret was too big for her to carry herself, so she can't expect anybody else to bear the burden alone that she couldn't.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Jesus, I'm sorry Winged. I don't know what I'd do in the situation either. Is she getting medication/therapy for the bipolar? Acting out sexually during manic phases is fairly common, I think. Not that that excuses the affair, but it probably won't stop unless she gets help.
thanks buddha or reassuring me about telling. it helps because i know she is unhappy.
yeah, cali. i am going to talk to mr. winged first but i plan to tell her. he would write her off already except for the kids, even if she did tell him.
Ugh, that is just terrible. I agree that it was the right thing to tell Mr. W. I can't imagine how she will continue on in her marriage without telling her H. If I was in your situation, I would separate myself until she can figure out her mess. It sounds like she has some work to do with her bi-polar disorder (I believe that is what you said it was), and it is really on her to figure it out.
I'm just rambling trying to come up with some advice, but I have nothing of use. Sorry.
Winged, i am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I wish I could sned you some gingerale and help you feel better. I know that it just may be easier not to see her and it will end the friendship and that is really hard, but in the end she may need you as a friend should the marriage not survive this. I personally don't think i could be that shoulder.
Sorry.
That really sucks. I am also curious if she is getting treatment. I would think that doing so and coming clean with her H might make it possible to salvage things.
Also, any idea how she plans on explaining your sudden disappearance to her H?
Thats a tough one Winged. I hate it when people tell me things. I can understand why you would both be uncomfortable hanging out while knowing that her unassuming husband thinks everything is just hunky dorey. If I were in the situtation I would invite her for coffee and explain that as a friend to both her and the husband that you can't look him in the face and pretend everything is ok when it's not. He deserves to know and if she cannot understand how awful of a position that she put you in, then she has some real problems.
I'd hate for you to lose a friendship but chick sounds wack.
or the kids? no idea.
Oof, I almost forgot about the kids. How old are they?
I know it isn't your place to tell her H but I wish there was a way to ensure that him and the kids knew you didn't just decide to flake on them for no reason. Sorry you have to deal with all that drama.
I'm sorry Winged. That's a crap situation she put you, your H, her H, and all the kids in. I really have no advice, but I agree with everone else that you were 172% in the right telling your H. And he's probably right that it would be just too odd knowing that and hanging around with him.
3 out of 4 dead babies agree! pepsi is better than coke! - EdithBouvierBeale
Lordy. Grow some balls and stop lurking. It's like stealing from the internet. Jesuschrist. -- AudreyHorne
I hate love and marriage. I got married so I could destroy these things from the inside. - NoisyPenguin
It's a good thing my circle of trust is as giant as my vagina. That only leaves a couple people out. - Cali
I sort of feel like the bipolar aspect makes this different from regular ol' cheating. She's ill. If she is in therapy and working to straighten all of this out, I'd feel like an ass for dumping her for coming clean with you. I'd encourage her to be talking to her therapist about the affair and about telling her husband. Then, I'd try to let it go. I'd hate to lose two good friends over something that isn't really about me. IDK, just another perspective.
i struggle with that too fallin, but it is still wrong to not tell her H and it doesnt change how awkward it makes us eel.
and even if i could deal, mr. winged cannot and will not. he has always been closer to the h anyway.
Ick ick ick, I'm sorry, Winged. I'm inclined to agree with Fallin with regards to the mental illness, but part of that has to be taking responsibility for your transgressions and coming clean with her husband so they can take steps to fix it.
I guess what I'm saying is, for me it'd depend on her attitude toward it all.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
I'd definitely tell her this.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
I think this is key.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
This is the mental illness. You don't. I cannot tell you how many times I heard my husband say "you are not the same person I married. what's wrong?" over the past year. Now, I wasn't cheating on him, but mental illness, and especially bipolar disorder can change your behavior so much. It's definitely not a free pass for cheating on your husband, don't get me wrong.
So I mostly agree with Fallin. I definitely think you should talk with her and tell her what you said about him finding out from someone else. I would want to make it clear that if she wasn't willing to tell her husband and her therapist and work through it as a part of her treatment, then I wouldn't be able to continue the friendship.The nerve!
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that is a crappy situation she put you in, but if she tells her H and he forgives her will you and your H be comfortable hanging out with them then?
I think the ship has sailed.
mashed, we would still hang out with them. Obviously the nature of the friendship has changed and it is going to be awky at least for a while. But, we are their son's godparents. That whole thing is weird and foreign to me being a northerner, but for Lousiana people (which they are and my H is) it is a very big deal. You are considered family.We would not abandon our godchild unless we have to if she does not tell him.