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Can you keep things from your H?
Winged's post made me think. Wondering if I would have told. I'm not sure I would have. I had a friend who cheated on her FI back in the day. Now married with 2 kids. Granted, her H and mine aren't close. But we've all hung out (they're now living out of state, so we don't GTG much now days). Still, I never told D. I don't want him judging her. It was a horrible time for her. I felt for her. So am I an awesome friend or a foffed up spouse? Or is the situation too different from Winged's to compare the two. Just has me thinking. I don't have a couple that we're friends w/ where D is super close to the guy, so I can't totally relate for purposes of predicting what I would do.
Rambling aside, my point is, I don't feel the need to tell my husband everything. Is this why some people put me on the divorce list?
Re: Can you keep things from your H?
I tell mine everything, but it is mostly out of a lack of anyone else to tell. I guess.
but, that post was odd to me in that I can't see taking someone else's personal choices so...personally.
I guess I just assume that my friends (however few) make their own choices, and if they come to me for support, I'll offer it (or admonishment, should circumstances warrant...) but I don't think someone else cheating on their spouse would ruin my relationship with them...or maybe it would, and I just can't get into the mindset...
I have only had one friend who I tried to be there for when she was having marriage problems (which she dealt with by being a cheating whorebag). After a little while, I saw it was affecting me. I became snippy with Mr. Spiderman (this was before we were even engaged) and even accused him of being a cheating cheater. It was just because I was watching someone else be so two-faced to someone they were supposed to love, so I started thinking everyone was that way. I chose to walk away from the friendship for my own sake just about the time her situation got really ridiculous.
Throughout that time, I did tell Mr. Spiderman tidbits here and there. Just like she had to unload all the details on someone so she wouldn't burst, I had to unload on him because keeping it to myself was becoming too much to hold in. He wasn't friends with her or her H though, so I don't know if I would have wanted preserve her reputation on the off chance she'd stop being such an ass to her H.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
I think Winged took it so personally because she's very close with both the friend AND the husband. I imagine it'd be a different ballgame if she weren't close to the husband. Because instead of JUST having the knowledge that your friend is a cheating whorebag or that your friend is being cheated on, you have both. That's gotta be tough.
Using examples here (THAT ARE NOT AT ALL TRUE), if Christin told me she were cheating on D, I'd be able to listen/be there for her more without being affected because I've never met D. If Bethie told me she were cheating on Tim, I'd have a much harder time because, while Tim and I aren't BFF, I've hung out with both of them enough that it would bother me to know my friend Tim's wife was running around behind his back.
BUT I WANT TO REITERATE THAT NEITHER BETHIE NOR CHRISTIN ARE WHOREBAGS.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
I totally agree with this part. In fact, in this situation I'd have a really hard time not telling the husband, which I think has more to do with why Winged and her h might have to back away from the friendship than just being bothered by her friend's decision as someone alluded to earlier.
As a good friend of the guy, I would have a REALLY hard time looking him in the eye when (not if) he finds out that he was the last person to know what was going on.
I think this is the key here.
I can keep some things from Brett. But in this situation, I wouldn't have.
The nerve!
House | Blog
John and I tell each other pretty much everything, but that's always been the nature of our relationship. We like to talk about things together . . . okay, I'll just say it. We like to gossip together. Almost every day, he'll ask me, "any gossip?" It doesn't go any further than the two of us, and we enjoy it (though typing it out makes me feel kind of petty. tell me your secrets! we don't gossip in a "mean" way!)
however, I am firmly under the belief that a married couple can keep things from each other and not be sent down deeevorce row. Couples are still people individually with loyalties to their friends, families, etc. as well. I don't think that one way is right over another.
Yeah, in this particular situation I would have told Zane because, like others have said, it's something that affects his friend and his relationship with said friend.
If one of my friends was cheating, and Zane barely knew her and didn't know her H, I would not feel the need to tell him as strongly.
There a very few big things I keep from E. My mood and actions affect him, so if something as big as what Winged got dragged into had happened to me via one of my friends--yes, I would tell him. Even if we weren't close to the other person in the couple, because the issue of infidelity would bother me too much.
Now, let's say I found out a friend of mine was pregnant, but she wasn't telling anyone and i only found out by accident--that I wouldn't tell E until it was time.
I think Moo hit the nail on the head. I think it depends how close you are to each of the people involved. I can think of a few people who I would definitely keep a secret for, and others I would spill about to Twan right away.
There are a number of things I don't tell my husband. Like when I smoke a cigarette with Christin. Or other things that I don't tell anyone, ever. I don't think I've hidden anything that would impact our relationship. I don't even think there's anything I hide, just stuff I fail to mention.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
in winged's situation, I don't know if I would tell my H. Part of me would definitely want to, but on the other hand I wouldn't want to put him in the same position my friend put me in. I'm sure it would be difficult to keep from him though and would probably break down and tell him eventually. Either way, no good can really come from it.
yes, all of this! Vinny, we're like the same people.
we also don't keep things from each other like if he smokes a cigarette while drinking or something (he quit in February) . . . or if I spend too much money on something he finds frivilous (since I'm supposed to be paying down some old debt and saving some monies). We might get a little peeved at each other about whatever the other did, but we understand that we're both adults and it's nothing to blow up out of proportion or anything. This makes our relationship better than Twan and Fent's. LOL
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
this is so true . . . :::runs to check H's cell phone records and email:::
i really was just joking anyway. like I said earlier, you have a right to be an individual and do what you want w/ your friends without having to "come clean" to your H like he is your father. Of course this doesn't apply if it directly affects him (like cheating), but that's a whole other ballgame than a simple harmless white lie/omission.
I had thought about not telling, but I know this will come out eventually. probably sooner than later. I would hate for Mr. Winged to find out that I knew but didn't tell him.
yes, this is why I said I would probably break down and tell him eventually too. I kind of hate your friend for putting you in such a position.