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Need advice on someone who "mooches" off us
Sorry I'm always complaining about a certain inlaw..
Anyway FIL hasn't returned calls since June but he calls yesterday and "might stop by sometime this weekend". (He basically runs errands and then tacks us on so that he doesn't have to bring his GF here - nice).
What gets to me is FIL stays through lunch (or dinner). So then DH asks FIL if he wants some food, and then we order out. We almost NEVER order out to save money, but when FIL is here we spend at least $30 on pizza/wings/salad/soda or whatever. And my FIL never offers to help pay, because after loaning him like $5000 over the years, he doesn't have a dollar on him.
Anyway, I went on a tangent, but any suggestions what I can do? I don't even know what he likes to eat, nor do I want to be forced to go shopping for the small chance FIL shows up (but I think it may be my only alternative). I understand how DH basically has to offer, because it's not like we're going to start eating in front of FIL without asking him if he'd like something. I just don't want to feel so aggravated. Maybe I just need to be reminded he doesn't come here often (btw I have never been to his place).
Re: Need advice on someone who "mooches" off us
If pizza/salad suites him, I'd always keep that in the fridge. You can eat it anyway if he doesn't stop by but that way you have it on hand and it's a quick easy meal without spending a fortune.
And not to be mean, and I know you're in a tough spot but I really think something needs to be said to him from your DH. I just fear that as your kiddos grow, they can feel the tension and it's never fun, spoken from someone who was there as a child until my father stepped up and said enough is enough and cut all ties. It's not easy, but you have to do what's best for your family. I know you want to have their grandfather in the picture but I'd sit back and really think about whether or not that's best for him, given the situation and his behavior and the stress he seems to induce. (Sorry for the rambling but having been there, I see both sides.)
ehh.. IMO.. thats what family is for... I know you have your issues with your FIL and his behavior/money issues.. but there isn't too much you can do.. Its not like he's doing it every day..
Why instead of ordering out, didn't you just serve what you were normally eating for dinner?
m/c 1/2/08 and 3/12/08
Eve Amelia- Born 2/24/09. 6lb 9.9oz
Natalie Ruth - Born 6/13/11 7lb 6.6oz
Why don't you have a spaghetti night? Pick up some Pillsbury rolls or a loaf of garlic bread, a box of spaghetti, a jar of sauce, and maybe some salad. Jazz it up with some meatballs if the spirit moves you.
If your FIL can't be bothered to a) repay any of the money you gave him, b) include you in his life more than once or twice a year, or c) step up and act like a higher-functioning human being and father, then there's no reason why you should go out of your way for him. And I agree with the pp's, if your DH hasn't had a talk with him yet, it might be worth considering just cutting ties.
ohhh, good one! spaghetti I can always have on hand, and it is pretty universal!
The way I stock food is kind of strange b/c I am a vegetarian and I eat diff than most people, and DH is away a lot or I don't know his schedule, so I kind of shop last minute and tend not to have much on hand for other people. But some angel hair and a jar of marinara works great!
I actually don't care about having him as a grandfather.. he always promises stuff and always breaks those promises, and I do not want my girls growing up around that. And the sort of sneakiness and taking basically our entire kid's college funds as loans (that have not been paid back in 6 years) is not cool..
I see MelissaSue's point too.. I think the spaghetti is the best of both worlds because we can feed him without making it a big expensive production. Sort of like, we always keep our door open to him but until he starts paying us back (we are talking well over $5k), we aren't going to spend on him.
Nest Bio ~ ~ Baby Food Blog
When people stop by our house and end up staying for dinner, they usually get whatever we are making. If they don't like it, they can head out before dinner. It's not done in a mean way, just a "Do you want to stay for dinner? We are having [whatever is for dinner] and you can have some too." They are free to stay, or not. No great shakes.
since this is an on-going issue (like for years..) you should say something to your DH and leave the ball in his court to say something- if he doesnt then take it up with him...
and I agree with the PP- make what you would normally make- why go out of your way for someone you feel doesnt make an effort for you. Make it as stress free as possible on yourself and family.
honestly, I wouldnt continue to think about what your FIL does or doesnt do- you know his history with you and your LOs and his penchant for mooching food, money, etc...he's not going to change and you arent either...let it go and release this stress from your life- with two little ones- I'm sure you have more important things to concern yourself with...
FIL keeps saying he will pay for stuff.. like DH's education (yea, $80k.. that sounds like it will happen). He said he would buy DD's swingset but when we got there and it was ordered, I had to pay. He even wrote us checks for Christmas and the checks bounced. And get this, he invites DH to lunch, but DH pays (it happened on DH's birthday - yes, he paid the whole bill).
The only thing is, I do have to concern myself with it since we spend money every time he comes here for food. I make ridiculous sacrifices to stay at home and then we just go waste money on him. We can't afford stuff and then we go spend money
(But like i said, he can have spaghetti, so that part of it is resolved).
Nest Bio ~ ~ Baby Food Blog
I'm glad that dinner has been resolved. Money issues with family can get really messy. Unless YH is willing to talk to him about a payment plan, I don't think you're going to get paid back and it might be time to just let it go and resolve to not ever loan him money again, so that it won't happen again.
I obviously don't know the long history with him, but it sounds like he'd like to give you all gifts but when the time comes, he can't afford it; and I assume that he wants to spend time w/ his son and his grandchildren but maybe doesn't know how to do it w/o offering to pay. Does he have any reason to feel like YH or your family wouldn't hang out with him if he didn't pay for things?
If he wants to hang out with you, you could do things for free or low cost, expecting to foot the bill. If he wants to take YH out for his next birthday lunch, maybe they should go somewhere inexpensive or YH could suggest they do something else that costs less, like go for a hike or invite him over for whatever birthday celebration your family is having.