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Help! Husband never wants sex...
Hey Ladies,
I have a problem with my husband. We've been together for 3 1/2 years, married for 14 months, and he never wants to have sex anymore.
It started about 8 months after we began dating, when that lusty 'gotta have you now' feeling begins to fade. We kept it fairly regular though; 1-2 times per week. Now, though, we're going for 2-3 MONTHS without having sex. I ask him quite often why he doesn't want to, and he always says something to the effect of "I'm just so tired" (he's a diagnostic technician so I can understand that). Or, my personal favourite, he'll say something like "We're so emotionally/mentally intimate already... I'm content with that."
I don't know what to do. I've tried toys, lingerie, new lubes, porn, jumping him, and even stooped to the ultimatum once or twice. Am I putting too much pressure on him? I'm not asking him to boff me on a constant basis, but having sex more than once every quarter would be nice! Help!!
Re: Help! Husband never wants sex...
When that was the end of the lusty sex department 8 months after you began dating, you should have bidden him adieu.
Something was wrong right there; my guess would be he lost interest in the relationship and sexually and emotionally checked out but kept having sex with you anyway. This isn't good.
I don't think it was the wearing off of the infatuation phase of your relationship, either.
And if you were wise you should have checked out when he did but the horse is out of the barn.
A guy who is crazy about you can't keep his hands off you - and not just in a sexual way. And at 31/2 years this shouldn't be happening.
It definitely shouldn't have been occurring at 8 months in, either. At that point, you also should have gone with your gut about how you felt about this situation.
You don't marry somebody who you are not sexually compatible with; doesn't sound to me that you ever were.
Granted, there will be times when a normal couple has ebbs and wanes in the bedroom but something sure isn't right with this picture.
For some strange reaason he's stayed with you instead of breaking it off and going his separate way. Maybe he pursued marriage because "it's the thing to do" or "we are together X months so marriage is next" -- why did you marry this guy? I'd be interested in hearing the reasons.
It's also possible the equality in the relationship shifted at 8 months, but my guess is that he checked out.
I don't know if having a blunt and honest read-him-the-riot-act talk would do; like I said, he checked out of this relationship months ago. YOu're going to have to decide where you want to go from here. Good luck.
ETA: I side eye this and big time; what about what YOU want?? This is a blatant disregard for you:
Or, my personal favourite, he'll say something like "We're so emotionally/mentally intimate already... I'm content with that."
Again, how about what YOU want?
I'm willing to bet somebody will suggest he is gay or merely has a low low sex drive or it's medically related but I'm certain this is a relationship that ran its course months ago. About 2 and a half years ago, to be exact.:(
I am sorry you are having such trouble. Looks like you're a nice woman wo is in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Maybe he should see a physician and get checked out.
It could be something physical.
I think counseling might also be good for the two of you.
Exactly the answer I knew somebody would give.
His performance itself was fine when they were dating - and then blammo that was it. So it cant be hormonal or some other physical problem.
Organic problems don't have a husband saying "I'm content the way we are" or that other sugar coated downright insulting "reason" the OP's H gave her.
It may also be that he has decided the sex department is closed and wants all the benefits of being a married man: wife to go home to, wife that adds stability, "house with the picket fence", etc...but not any type of normal level of sex and intimacy.
He works 12 hour shifts and then has a 45 min drive home... plus the 45 min he spent driving there.
His days off rotate. So there are times that is works 6 to 9 days back to back; with him being gone so much and working night shift it's really hard.
I am currently working days... we spend a ton of time just catching up on each other and trying to work our way into being on the same hours on his five days off that most of the time we don't have time... That or one of us is fast asleep right when we are getting started.
But we are pretty good at have sex a few times a month. Most of the time we have the long periods that we are both working for about 14 days and unable to get on each others schedule. But when his days off roll around we almost have sex everyday.... we didn't used to because of how busy we were.
We tried making "plans" to have sex, but something about that felt really weird. But, it does a have plus side....
Ask him if he is willing to make plans to have sex once a week... if you do that it leads to you wanting to have sex more and the plan goes away and the sex just comes back.
I have to say I have never really believed the " we are connected enough as is " line
Porn, toys, and new clothes really don't fix the problem... but I don't think you are putting too much pressure on him. A month without sex is a long time for a couple.
And if he is saying the bond you share mentally is enough you guys really may need to see someone and talk together and found out what the problem is. It can lead to you feeling bad about yourself and that really isn't fair.
I think there are a few things you need to think about though:
Is he masturbating?
Because if he is too tired to have sex but not too tired to masturbate I think you need to seek help... on the other hand if he isn't maybe he really is tired.
Is he depressed?
this can often lead to a lack of sex
Could he be depressed and not know? He could just be feeling down on himself for some reason. It's hard to want to have sex when you can't feel good about yourself. And it doesn't mean that day to day he isn't acting happy. Something could be going on emotionally that he isn't totally aware of or willing to admit
Can you tell him how it makes you feel personally and emotionally without getting upset?
It could help if he knows that maybe it makes you feel like you aren't pretty (just an exp) or that you need the emotional connects that sex can give you.
Has anything major changed in your life? like maybe a baby or more work? or even less work?
When you do have sex is it "good/great" sex? Because if the emotional level of the sex has also changed I would say there is a problem.
What about on his days off? Do you work? Can you guys not plan for sex on the days you both share that are off days? or is he still " too tired" ?
And just remember sometimes people do go through dry spells... but that dry spell should be those 2/3 months and then you are back on the game not 2/3 months and one encounter and then yet another 2/3 months. I hope that helps.
Kristi and Kerry June 21,2008
I wouldn't ever plan sex...I've done it a few times with mine and it turned him off. You don't have to be on the same schedule to have even just 10-20 minutes with eachother. But I agree with Tarpon Monoxide on this one..That is definately not good!
Thank you! I've been suspicious for a long time that he was dealing with anxiety and/or depression, and encouraging him to see the doctor - I'm calling his dr.'s office today and scheduling him an appointment. He doesn't 'take care of it' himself very often; maybe once or twice a week. I really do think he's exhausted and dealing with a medical issue that he hasn't had checked out before. I know he is stressed out because of his job (other peoples' lives are literally in his hands) but he's not managing it well.
Thank you all so much for your input and web-support. It's so awesome to have a sounding board that's impartial and honest
I doubt very much if this anxiety and depression, like I said -- this has been going on for 2 1/2 years, according to your report.
He probably won't go to a doc and if he does, he'll get a clean bill of health -- and too many docs are too quick to medicate. That's my opinion.
You'll have to ask yourself if YOU are happy in a relationship where the sex is lax. And if you are not, consider moving on and finding a guy who meets your sexual expectations. You should have moved on after 8 months when this guy's interest in sex seemed to go poof.
Could he be gay?
Doctors are a very good idea in this situation, I've had guys previously with all problems listed above, depression being the worst kicker. But it seems if he's giving that line of "we're so mentally intimate already," he's really just trying to give a better reason for not wanting to. Definitely fatigue or medical problem would be the first to check out, next would be a relationship counceler to see if there's something emotional that he hasn't been communicating. (Too much porn or masterbation could easily have someting to do with that as well)
Maybe instead of trying to get him to have sex, just try to get him really relaxed... set up a bath when he gets home or lay him down for a good massage, with no pretense of sex, this way you can be intimate without so much exertion, sometimes it can get him in the mood even if previously his answer was no. Then see if there's any way of having sex (though I'm sure you've already tried) that doesn't require so much effort on his part, like you getting on top. (and btw, practicing body movements for sex can be done on your own time as well, that you can get it mostly there and perfect it with him).
If none of this works then maybe it is time to evaluate your relationship (or see if there are any extra women you don't know about). Never take a relationship to the chopping block until you've exhausted all other resources. Sometimes it's surprising what can come back to life when you thought it was gone... Obviously he loved you enough to marry you so unless he's and INCREDIBLE d-bag, I think he deserves the effort
And it looks like you think so too 
This is happening with my husband right now. I would have his testosterone levels checked. I kept thinking there was something wrong with me or our relationship... turns out his testosterone is EXTREMELY low. He is seeing a specialist next month and we are hoping this helps.
So before people freak you out with the maybe he is gay, or having an affair comments... I would talk to him about seeing a doctor