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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
XP: Alcoholism in family members
Because, really, I could use all the help I could get!
My husband had a HUGE fight with BIL over the weekend, over what ought to have been nothing (his Mum joining facebook) and it's been brought to
our attention (by his friends and family) that he's spent the last year drinking. Like, a crap ton. And, I mean
more than the average British person does... which is really a lot.
Have any of you dealt
with alcoholism with your relatives? My grandfather was an alchoholic
but died when I was young, so I don't really remember how my family
dealt with the issue. Is there anything we can do for him, even though we're on a different continent?
Crap. This freaking sucks.
Re: XP: Alcoholism in family members
(((hugs))) I'm sorry, hon.
SIL was (and still is, although she's better than she used to be). Aussies tend to drink fairly heavily (they make Brits look like lightweights), so it should tell you something that she was/is considered extreme.
Unfortunately, there really isn't anything you can do. I know it sounds trite to say that they have to be willing to help themselves, but it is true - it's an addiction, and an addict will do whatever they have to do to get what they want. You can express your concern, but that generally won't work unless they're already moving toward readiness on their own, and sometimes even backfires if the person is likely to get all "Oh yeah? Well watch this - I can do it if I want to!" (although it may help your peace of mind to know that you tried).
Sadly, Ben has resigned himself to the fact that SIL will likely die in a drinking-related incident (car accident, etc.) unless she decides she wants to stop. I know that sounds awful, but like I said - unless the person is willing to help themselves, there simply isn't much you can do.
I'm sorry Kaesha... I know how hard this must be for you and YH.
I come from a long line of alcoholics. My grandpa was an alcoholic, my dad was an alcoholic and my mom still is. My grandpa got help before I was alive but my parent's alcoholism is something I have witnessed first hand. I think the first thing someone thinks when you tell them your parent is an alcoholic is that they were a bad parent but I can honestly tell you that my dad is the greatest man I have ever known. My mom is a whole other LONG story so I'll just relate this to my dad's experience.
My dad was an alcoholic for a long time but he could be classified as a "functioning alcoholic". He used alcohol to deal with the stress and despite all his best intentions and minor interventions, he couldn't stop drinking. Instead all this did was push him to be more secretive about his drinking. It took an ultimatum and him actually recognizing he had a problem and needed to change to finally commit to quitting. He has been sober for over five and a half years now.
The biggest thing I can tell you - as frustrating as this will be - is that your BIL has to admit he has an issue. Along with recognizing he has a problem, he has to want to change. No one else can do it for him. The best that you or YH husband can do is be completely supportive of him when he finally does want to quit. Ultimatums may work towards helping he recognize he has a problem that is affecting his loved ones but with you guys being so far apart (I'm assuming he's in the UK), it would probably have to come from someone closer.
I wish I had something more helpful to offer but the truth is that it has to come from your BIL first and foremost. I'm sorry you and YH husband have to go through this. I'll be sending a ton of thoughts and prayers your way.
That's pretty much what I gathered. I think it's hard for him to see it - so much of English lad culture revolves around drinking, you know? I know his friends are all big drinkers too.
It sucks not being able to do anything.
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Alyson, I'm really sorry to hear about your BIL. Alcoholism runs in my family too, and drinking is a big part of Japanese culture as well, especially for the older generation. For my uncle, he cut back on his drinking only when there were grandkids in the picture, and my cousins (his kids) gave him an ultimatum. I hope your BIL will see what it's doing to those around him, and made the decision to do something around it.
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Hi my name is Lori and I am an adult child of an alcoholic, married to an adult child of an alcoholic and family member to more alcoholics and addicts than not. Unfortuntately, there's little you can do until the person with the problem decides they've hit bottom and want help. You can write or call your BIL and tell him that you love him and hope that he will seek help for his issues with alcohol before them become fatal, but again, this type of approach rarely makes the substance abuser "see the light"...it's really something they have to do on their own and hopefully before they kill themselves or someone else in the process. You might check out Al-Anon..it's for family and friends of alcoholics:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html
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