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Difference in our view on sexuality and sensuality
I've been married for a year and half, things are going very well for our relationship and we've always enjoyed a healthy sexual relationship. However off and on in the past year my husband has gotten frustrated with me and told me I am not doing enough to arouse him or turn him on. I was expereinced before getting married and have tried everything that I know how to do, ie kissing, touching, biting his skin, nipple, and b.j.s, none of which ever work, and only are an annoyance to him.. It has now gotten to a point where we are getting incredibly frustrated every time we go to have sex. He says that I am not doing enough for him, and I have tried to do the one thing I know he likes, which is caressing and touching his balls and *** but unless I do that in a very very certain way that doesn't even work. He's very angry and says I am selfish, and have never done a single sexual favor for him (though before a month ago we were having sex every day).
We have both discussed trying differnt positions and have even done so, but that doesn't seem to get a very positive respone out of it. I have suggested we take more time for foreplay (and no not just for me, because i am really tired of it be one sided, not that i am not trying everything i know how to do) I want to spend more time trying to figure out why all the sensual spots that I know are there don't seem to do anything, and am trying to practice on how to handle jerking him off right, or in a manner that he approves of. I have given him a b.j. but he treally dislikes them, and I am starting to get really frustrated myself. Before we got married, I had other experiences and was very good at pleasing others, and trying to get things to positive, and yet no matter what I try with my husband it doesn't seem to work.
I know that we need to work out whatever sexual problems we are having because it can be damaging to our relationship, and I am trying to ask him what he likes before just the handling of his junk but he has no response because he had never had any other expierence. This origionally was never a problem for us, and I am worried that our dissastifaction is going to make us grow apart. Please can anyone help, I really want to figure out what I can do to do better.
SarellaNoel
Re: Difference in our view on sexuality and sensuality
It's really hard if he's not communicating his likes to you. Every guy is different so it's not really a simple fix if he doesn't even know what he does want. I do think it's really lame of him and counter active for him to keep telling you that you don't do what he needs and that your selfish, him putting you down is just going to discourage you from trying anything new, he really needs to give you the good stuff that you can do to please him instead of only focusing on things that he doesn't like.
Is he just having trouble getting hard and blaming you? Is he masturbating a lot on his own, this might make it harder to get aroused with a real partner.
Have you thought about sex therapy? It might help you communicate better and figure out each others sexual likes/dislikes and really get to the bottom of what is going on with him.
Really though this sounds more like a him thing than a you thing.
This situation is just the symptom. There is something tha has upset and changed his sexual confidence or identity. I'm sorry to say that he seems to be questioning your sexual compatibility, at least in his mind. Try to talk to him about sex and what arouses him,...be aware that he may have had a particular experience outside of your marriage recently (perhaps accidental or completely unplanned) and this has made him see your physical relationship with a critical eye..........
..............It's often recommended here, but this time I agree,...counselling soon!
How long have you known him? Is there any chance he's gay? Having an affair? You sound like you are trying really hard, and he's getting angry in return. He's placing blame on you for something that sounds like his issue. Seriously, unless you are biting him, I doubt you're giving head "wrong".
I think the big issue here is his anger with you. This is something you should be able to talk about and work together on. If he's having issues getting or staying erect he needs to see a physician. If it's not a medical issue you should see a counselor, someone who specializes in sex therapy. Something is going on here, and it has nothing to do with your hand job technique.
This is NOT about you being unable to give pleasure; this is all his problem/hang up. He only likes it if you caress his genitals in one, very specific way? Not the norm. He can't tell you what he likes? Not the norm. He's trying to make YOU feel bad when this is all his issue.
You two need counseling to get at the root of this problem.
My thoughts exactly! At first I was thinking "Well maybe she should try things like outfits or visual stimulation" but then you went on to talk about how he is saying you are being selfish, and that he isn't telling you directly what he likes...something else is up with that! And honestly it can be as simple as he's having a libido problem and instead of admitting it, he wants to blame you because he's embarrassed. Sounds like he should see a doc, I don't know any guy who is in a happy relationship that is turned off by anything their women do. As my DH says "As long as you don't walk out of the bedroom wearing a diaper and baby booties...I'll find it hot!'
My thoughts exactly! At first I was thinking "Well maybe she should try things like outfits or visual stimulation" but then you went on to talk about how he is saying you are being selfish, and that he isn't telling you directly what he likes...something else is up with that! And honestly it can be as simple as he's having a libido problem and instead of admitting it, he wants to blame you because he's embarrassed. Sounds like he should see a doc, I don't know any guy who is in a happy relationship that is turned off by anything their women do. As my DH says "As long as you don't walk out of the bedroom wearing a diaper and baby booties...I'll find it hot!'
My thoughts exactly! At first I was thinking "Well maybe she should try things like outfits or visual stimulation" but then you went on to talk about how he is saying you are being selfish, and that he isn't telling you directly what he likes...something else is up with that! And honestly it can be as simple as he's having a libido problem and instead of admitting it, he wants to blame you because he's embarrassed. Sounds like he should see a doc, I don't know any guy who is in a happy relationship that is turned off by anything their women do. As my DH says "As long as you don't walk out of the bedroom wearing a diaper and baby booties...I'll find it hot!'
Your H is a douche! Why would you want to have sex with a man who is so selfish and disrepectful?
You need counseling to find out why you are with this jackass!
Nextt time he tells you, you arent doing enough for him, give him a kick in his a$$ and ask him if that is enough.
He was that blunt about it? Cheez...what a total douche.
My strong hunch is that this is a cover for a whole other issue that he's trying to cover up. You've done everything for him -- what more does he expect from you?
I'm sorry, I usually try to be positive (especially since I'm new to these boards) but this guys sounds like a douche!!! Not because he is voicing his issues and concerns about your sex life but because of this... "He's very angry and says I am selfish, and have never done a single sexual favor for him (though before a month ago we were having sex every day)."
And to this..."and am trying to practice on how to handle jerking him off right, or in a manner that he approves of. I have given him a b.j. but he treally dislikes them, and I am starting to get really frustrated myself"
WTF?! In a manner he approves of?? Wow