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XP: Bridesmaid Drama (longish vent)
Have you ever decided not to participate in a wedding because of drama/expenses? I'm one of 4 bridesmaids in my friend "Eve's" wedding on New Year's Eve. The expenses have been high ($180 dress, $20 sash, $25 shoes) plus its OOT on a holiday so I'll have to pay for a hotel for 1 or 2 nights. I work with Eve and another BM, so we are planning her work shower together. The MOH is pretty angry that I won't assist with the cost of Eve's "main" shower with her family and friends. (None of which I know.) The MOH just posted her FB status as "I think its sad that some people are so selfish and rude" and I totally see that as a passive agressive response to my latest email to her.
I have been trying to be nice about it, but DH and I do NOT have much fun money right now. I think that planning 1 shower is more than enough considering Eve is having THREE showers.
The wedding is just stressing me out. Eve wants us to learn line dancing for the reception, go see a movie the week of the wedding, get our toes done, has mentioned us buying jewelery etc. Plus its on NYE and she is having a cash bar. Ugh! I feel that everyone is expecting a lot out of me and its just not what I had hoped for when I agreed on being in the wedding.
Sorry this is kinda random & long, but I just don't know what to do. I don't want to look like the bad guy but I just don't have the time or desire to deal with this random crap.
Caleb is 3!
101 in 1001
Re: XP: Bridesmaid Drama (longish vent)
I would just ignore the facebook comment, she may not even be referring to you. And if she is, who cares. Since you are planning the work shower I think it is fine it you are not involved with the planning/expenses of a second shower. Is there any way you can share a hotel room with the other BM who is your coworker to cut down on cost?
If the bride was going to pay for line dancing lessons, I suppose I would take them. If not, I might try to find somewhere I could learn for free, but I probably would not spend money learning how to line dance for a wedding.I am also not a big fan of line dancing/country music, so I probably would not do much dancing at the reception if that is all that was played. Is this for one specific song/number or is this for the entire evening?
I also think if the bride wants specific jewelry and a pedicure then she should offer to pay for them. What exactly is the point of going to see a movie? This also potentially seems like something the bride should be paying for.
I think cash bars are rude. I am not a fan of making your guests pay for anything. I say serve what you can afford.
Sorry it is stressing you out. I hope you are able to enjoy the wedding and not break the bank.
I suppose we could share a hotel room, but both of our husbands are going so it would be nice to have the privacy. BUT it would be bearable!
The MOH is a dancer so she would provide the lessons, and I think its just for a few dances.
The bride is a huge Jack Nicholson fan and wants us to see his new movie, then get our toes done in the same day. Like a big girls day out. I think this is separate from the bridal luncheon.
I agree cash bars are rude, especially on New Year's Eve.
I am hoping it all plays out to be fun and special...we'll see.
I have to say, I totally feel you. I'm on wedding #3 of being BM/MOH this summer and am so tired of have no time or $ leftover after attending all the wedding events. The last wedding's bachelorette party got completely over the top and I got pretty pissy about any little thing added after that. I tried to keep in mind, though, what expectations I had for expenses when I accepted the gig and tried to cut expenses where I could Dress (~$200), hotel, basic shower expenses, basic bachelorette party expenses, hair and gifts were all on the list of things I knew about when going into the process, so I really tried to remove them from my mind when considering other expenses. I said no to a few things, and I was worried how the bride would react. If she was upset, she didn't say anything to me about it, and it felt SO GOOD to say NO!
Financially, I don't think that what Eve is asking is all that much more than what I'd generally expect when participating in a wedding. For that reason, I don't think I'd be inclined to back out. Time-wise, if she wants to get together on 2 occasions separate from the bridal shower, bachelorette, and wedding (1 to teach the line dance, 1 to do movies/pedi), that would be too much for me and I'd just bow out of those events.
Did you know it was NYE when you committed to being a bridesmaid? If not, I can see how that added hotel expense would be irritating. That cash bar is annoying, but I'd probably just chose not to drink or just have one. Or bring a flask.
The
only other added expense I'm seeing is the movie/pedi. I invited my girls to get mani/pedis with me the day b/f the wedding,
and I've done this for 2 other weddings I've been in also. But each time, not all BM's came, and I don't think me or the other brides really cared. So I'd probably
just choose to bow out of that, I doubt it'd be a big deal. Of if you wanted to attend you
could do just one or the other to save costs. I think you can try and work around some of the other expenses, like shoe & jewelry by just using things you already have or borrow from a friend. Can MOH teach the line dance during one of the showers? Maybe she can post it on youtube or something?
It sounds like a lot of your irritation is stemming from the MOH, who I would just ignore. She shouldn't have planned a shower expecting others to pitch in, that's on her, not you. If you feel obligated to do something to appease her, I would just offer to bring some cupcakes or some sort of dessert that would be easy/inexpensive to make and call that your contribution. I would try and seperate your feeling toward the MOH/shower from Eve, b/c it's not her fault MOH is being a pill, you know?
Well said Terp!! You took most of the words out of my mouth.
I am also a little surprised that she's having a work shower. I'm definitely not judging by any means, I've just never worked in an office where showers of that kind were common--and when I got married, I invited roughly 20 or so co-workers, but didn't have a separate "work shower". Is that a common occurrence where you do work? I'm just curious if I'm the oddball!!
Try not to stress too much over it, and you said "yes" to being a BM for a reason--try to keep those reasons in mind when the drama gets high. She's probably a GOOD friend, so this is just a temporary sacrifice.
(Oh, and maybe keep your eyes open for Groupon's or something to help out with some of these added expenses!!)
Yes, and no.
A lot of the long term employees will have showers for big events, its not usually at work but at someone's home. This will actually be a double shower for her and another girl that is getting married. They are both supervisors and their weddings are about a month apart.
And I agree with the PP that a lot of my frustration is at the MOH right now, not at the bride. I have to remind myself to separate the 2 things, and I knew of certain expenses when I agreed to be in the wedding. The hotel was a "surprise" expense, we could drive home but its 2.5 hours away and I do not think I feel comfortable with that on NYE. We'll see about that.
Also, someone mentioned reusing shoes/jewelery - that was my intention. The bride required us to have matching shoes (our expense) and has suggested jewelery too. I draw the line there, if she wants our jewelery to match she's buying!
Thanks for all your thoughts, it's really helped calm me down!