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Calling for some bestie nestie help!!! (long)
Hey y'all. I found out this week, that unbeknownst to me, we are in SEVERE and dire financial straits. DH has been sneaky snaking little trips to Wal-mart for fishing stuff, truck stuff, boat stuff etc, along with opening a credit card in his name that has already been maxed out ($500 - he said it was for emergencies, but we haven't had any per se). We have separate checking accounts, so all of his paychecks go into his account, and my measily disability check goes into mine. With it, I pay my truck payment, all of Bug's diapers/wipes/clothes/toys/insurance, etc, and 90% of all the human food and animal food for the house, trying to save as much as I can. DH is responsible for utilities and everything else. He is supposed to be responsible for food as well, but when we get to an empty refrigerator, that is where I step in.
I created a budget on a calendar some time ago, so all the bills would be paid, on time (preventing late/service fees, etc) leaving x $ a week for extras... savings/fishing/playdates/out to dinners and what not. What I have found out this week on top of everything else, DH has been moving stuff from the pay week bills were assigned, to different weeks, making them late or at the point of disconnect just so he can play/buy whatever.
The phone was disconnected Wednesday. I called thinking something was wrong with the internet when it asked me for a password, and found that tidbit out. I had no idea. Now we owe $30 extra as a reconnect charge.
I had some savings, not much, but a padding, but it is now gone. My dog got sick and had to be put down. Pigs, with problems delivering which could have killed mama, costing more to raise the babies by hand, vet bills for my crippled horse, and the icing on the cake was blowing out a ire and replacing it last week. Back story... I had several hundred thousand saved up after the sale of my dad's house/life insurance etc. It meant a lot to DH that we purchased this place, outright. On paper, he had me convinced that by doing this, we would be ok, and at least $1000 a month would go back into savings, so we could a) start building by 2011 or b) move a new double wide by 2011. We should have a barn for the animals/storage/hay by now. We should have $24k saved by now at the very least. I used every last dime I had purchasing this place, permits, clearing land, septic, power lines run, water lines run, fences, moving the trailer... everything. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT. He kept telling me to trust him. I did, and now look.
We go out to eat maybe 2x a month. I need a break from the kitchen every once in a while. (I cook 3 meals a day, everyday for Bug. Don't judge 
He eats my cooking, not the restaurants' so we save there) Up until 3 weeks ago when all of this started to dawn on me, DH went fishing at least every other week. He uses a full tank of gas in his truck, and a tank in the boat each time... plus new lures/bait. He also uses my truck, which I fill up with gas on my payday to pick up/drop off my SD every other weekend, not refilling it. Most of the month, Bug and I sit here at the house, alone, with no gas, no fun time, because we can't afford it. As a family, we usually go 'play' one day a month, like to the zoo or something, but usually our day out is going to the grocery or target.
What I am hoping and praying for, is some ideas. I need ideas, or websites or budget friendly dinner ideas from all of you who budget. We planted a garden this summer to save, but DH planted at work and I guess forgot about it... we got 2 cucumbers from it. Hunting season is around the corner, so at least we will have meat in the freezer again soon. DH rarely brings fish home when he goes out.
In 2 weeks, I can wean the piglets and hope to sell them at the sale. I have contacted DirectTV and lowered to bare minimum. Same with the phone. Cells can't be lowered anymore. I have the basic req on mine, but DH 'has to have internet, etc. Car, insurance, child support, those can't be jiggled.
Please... anyone? I need ideas in a BAD way!
Re: Calling for some bestie nestie help!!! (long)
Oh Brandi, I am so so sorry. Your situation is horrible. First of all, it sounds to me like Drew is a huge part of this problem. I hate to say it and I hope you won't hate me for bad mouthing your husband, but what he is doing is NOT right. He should be thinking about his son first, nothing else. Not fishing. Yes, he might be the one earning the money, but it doesn't entitle him to make his family suffer because he can't sacrifice his fishing.
First of all, it's a very good thing that you have separate accounts. I may have read this wrong, but don't put any money in YOUR budget for his fishing or in fact anything for him. Think solely about yourself and Bug and what you guys need to live.
I would strongly suggest that if you have both a landline and cell phone that you get rid of one of them. Do you really need both? As long as people can reach you. If you choose to get rid of your landline then get rid of texting or web on your phone if you have it. It'll save a lot. Google Voice has just been implemented for anyone with a google account and you can make national calls for free. I highly recommend that. Why does DH have to have internet on his phone? If your name is on the bill, remove it if he doesn't need it for work. If it's an issue of his phone having to have a data plan, downgrade the phone.
Do you really need tv? I would maybe considering cancelling your tv service too - if you're struggling that much, it would be better to have the money for food than for tv.
Eating out 2x a month is not a lot at all, so don't think about being judged for that. You're right, you need a break from cooking every once in a while. And it's so heartbreaking to me that you're not able to go and do things with Bug because he leaves you with no money or no gas. Do you have a local library that has toddler mornings that you could go to? Maybe see if there are any moms groups around that don't require a membership.
I'm not great with money saving tips, so that's all I can suggest, but honestly, I think it's come down to more than that. Your husband is being irresponsible and there's no excuse for it. I honestly can't tell you what I really want to say because it's not my place but I wish things could change for you.
I'm here for you if you ever need me.
((hugs))
No, I don't think you are bad mouthing him at all. I agree completely. He is all for himself and gets mad when he doesn't get his way. A few weeks ago, I told him to enjoy his fishing trip, because it would be his last for a while. It is my boat, so I can actually do this. Tomorrow is his b-day, and he is mad at me now because I told him this morning no about going tomorrow.
I agree about the separate accounts. I just can't take that chance. His cell requires a data/internet plan (it's a blackberry) and mine is basic, with the exception of a $5 text plan. I could drop that, yes, but I communicate more by text than I do by talking on it.
Dropping the TV (even though we have more recorded movies than anyone could ever watch back to back in a year) would cause serious disaster. That is his back up... fishing shows. I would do fine with it and it would save 80 bucks a month without it.
I do have to give him a little credit. For the last 2 weeks, he comes home from work and plays with Bug. Actual interaction without the TV. Granted, you probably don't want to hear about the conversation that led to that dramatic change of events, it was a rough week. But it got my point across on the importance of being a father to his son (and daughter). Actually, the boat got taken away at the same time he changed, so that is probably why he is so mad abt not fishing this weekend.
I have spent a lot of the morning on the phone and writing everything down so I can process it. So far, I have been able to drop $122 total from bills alone, not to mention re-adding coupons to the tight grocery budget that I follow. If I can find some low cost meals that will help. So will ideas for lost cost family fun. It's just going to take some time for me to sort thru this all, and if I have to I will sell this place. Luckily, it belongs solely to me as well, so DH wouldn't have much say. I told him this would happen 2 1/2 yrs ago, and it did. I have asked him never to lie to me, and that is what he has been doing, and he digs himself deeper in them every time I catch him and call him out. I can't stand a liar more than anything else.
Thanks
I'll keep you posted! Gotta get Monkeybuttbugman out of the high chair...
I ditto everything that Caroline as said.
I do a budget for my money (G and I have separate accounts and it works for us). In the budget I know where every penny is going. I actually have the budget done for the rest of this year and next (and I add in flexibility). I bring my lunch to work, we eat at home as much as we can, budget in blow money, budget in credit card payments, car payments, etc.
Is there anyway to get your name on his accounts? G and I have separate accounts but our names are on each other accounts, so I can get money out of his account and he can get money out of mine (we have never done that, but we have the option). I wouldn't put his name on your accounts. At least if your name was on his account then you could possibly pay things and check balances. He will probably fight you on that though.
I would also make sure your name is not on that credit card and since you paid for the land and all that I would make sure that your name is on there and possibility not even his name. I know that sounds mean but you got to look out for yourself right now, since he doesn't seem to care (please don't hate me for saying that).
Like Caroline said maybe try to get rid of TV (use DVD's and the internet to watch TV if you need to), though I think you said your internet is hooked up to that and being by yourself all the time that is a lifeline for you. I know you are in the boonies but will your cell phone pick up there all the time? If so, could you get rid of your land line? or if your internet is through your phone then probably get rid of TV for a while.
Eating out 2x a month is low so I wouldn't take that out of the budget.I know our local library here has storytime and so that is an idea. Is there a local food ministry around? There is something around here called "Angel Ministries" or something like that where you can get a big box of food for like $25. If you could get assistance with food that would help.
I know it will cost a little bit of money but is there a Sam's or Costo's around that you can go to and buy things in bulk, so that at least you will have things in bulk and might not have to spend so much every month?
I don't really have any budget recipes as we eat a lot of hamburger meat, spaghetti, manwich, chili, soup, pancakes at our house.
Don't be afraid to ask if your electrical company, gas compnay, etc helps people. I know that around here they have those kinds of programs. You can't get it every month, but if you got it one or two times that would help.
Would there be anyway for you to get on assistance? I know that might be a last resort but it is there and I rather see someone who needs it on it. Even if you just got assistance to help pay for Bug's diapers and food would probably be a big help.
Sign up for coupons, sign up for grocery coupons, the money matters board has great advice so you could search posts there for other tips.
I think the "trust me" is getting old. What would he do if you put your foot down and said that he can't use the truck, etc?
Please don't hate me for saying this either but he is a grown man with a family and it is time to step up and be a man. I know that I don't know you guys situation and have not gone through what you are going through and I might not a right to say that, but I feel it is time for him to grow up. Buying stuff like that everyonce in a while is fine, but to put yourself in a place where you are hurting financially is not right.
G buys things, but we know that we have the money for it and if we don't then we don't buy or we save. We have saved for this trip next week and we know that we would be hurting if we did another procedure right now that is why we are not doing anything and hopefully when we have more savings built up we can try again.
Brandi please know that we are here for you and if you ever need to come to Tennessee you and bug are more than welcome to come and get away for a while.
Hugs times a trillion
Since I was long winded and took so long you had already posted, so some of my stuff is void.
I know that boat is yours but I would be so tempted to sell it so that he wouldn't have an excuse to go buy stuff for it.
I am glad that he is spending time with bug but it is sad that you had to have a blow up for him to realize that.
I am also glad you got the place in your name.
There are not a whole lot of low-cost family stuff around here so I am not sure. I think at the zoo here it is cheaper to buy an annual pass so that could be an option. I have a season pass to Dollywood and go about 3-4 times a year and one visit pays for itself. Don't know if there are any amusement parks that are kid friendly that you could get an annual pass. I know annual passes are money up front, but usually if you go there more then once it pays for itself. How close is the beach? That is sorta low-cost.
Boat for sale! Boat for sale! Seller Very Motivated!
the boat - not worth much. no one buys this time of year. In all honesty, I bought it so we could enjoy as a family, and sooner or later, Bug will be old enough to enjoy it a little. Believe me, I am very tempted to sell it. Or burn it.
The closest Zoo is an hour 15 away. It is cheaper to get a season pass. Will probably do it beginning of next year because they run Jan - Dec, so I would waste $ by doing it this late in the season. Not to mention, gas to get there =/
No amusement parks around here -
The beach is an hour away, low cost, yes, but I have no shade, and that concerns me with a kid that won't keep a hat on his head to save his life.
Thanks! Great ideas... keep em coming!
Well you know how I feel about Drew, so I won't even say anything about that.
Ditto what the other girls said. I have a whole bunch of blogs that I read about coupons and stuff, so I will send you a list of those.
I also agree about the assistance programs. At least for a while to help out with some of the food/baby items.
I think you need to start paying the bills. DH should be allowed only very little money. The way we have it in our house is that DH pays all the bills from our joint account and I put so much money a week in there (as does he). I have access to it so I can see what is going on and make sure things are good - not that I ever do. I trust DH with the bills, he is more anal than I am.
I know you love all your animals and stuff but is it worth it staying there and paying that much money?
I know you live in podunk, so I don't know what is around you but I ditto the library. Are there any parks,museums, etc near you?
Baby #2 - D&E - 10/1/10 @ 19w2d - thanatophoric dysplasia confirmed.
Charlotte Lillian will be forever in our hearts.
Baby #3 - Little Bean - natural miscarriage - 1/17/11 @ 5w5d
Brandi - I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. That has got to be so hard, and I know it has an effect on the whole family, on so many different levels. :-(
My advice is to cut out everything that is not a necessity to day-to-day life, and cut back on what are day-to-day necessities. Some examples:
- Get rid of 1 of the trucks (both if you can, but that may not be practical) and get a more fuel-efficient car.
- Go without TV. I know it's nice to have, but nobody neeeeeeds it. If you keep internet, Drew can watch fishing stuff online.
- Eat at home, buy things on sale and freeze them, make meals in bulk and freeze them.
Some of the most inexpensive meals that I make involve rice. My favorite is a simple chicken spanish rice:
2 cups brown (or white) rice (prepared, so 1 cup uncooked)
1 can rotel tomatoes
1 large can chicken or 2-3 breasts
1 can cream of chicken or cream of mushroom condensed soup
1 chicken bullion cube
Cook rice according to package (you can use some juice from the chicken to sub for some of the water to cook the rice in), and add the Rotels and bullion cube to the boiling water before the rice goes in. Once the rice is ready, stir in the chicken and cream of condensed soup, and voila! It's delicious, and reheats very well!
Thanks for the suggestions. There is a lot of info there, and too much for me to quote and answer.
I have found a few good budget recipe sites so I will browse them. I will be taking over the bill paying, but unless DH stops the sneaky spending, there will be bounced checks and more fees. Yes, I am a co-signer on his acct so I can write checks, check balances, etc.
!st and foremost, my child comes first. He will eat, have shoes/clothes that fit him, clean diapers. I think I am thrifty with it (up & up brand, clothes that mix and match for different looks, I don't buy toys every month... etc)
I have a chart started, and I remember someone on here using envelopes with cash for stuff like play and gas and groceries. Who is that and can I get details? Sounds like something that might help a bit. I know in the past on a play day I have taken cash only and said we can only spend this much, and it worked. If I hand DH an envelope, and tell him to make it work... maybe, just maybe...
I will keep plugging along, and any other ideas are welcome. I do not hate anyone for their honesty, nor will I be angry for saying what they think. Right now my husband is not my favorite person in the world either, and believe me, the thoughts going through my mind are probably way worse, as I haven't touched anything else about what is going on. A few of you know, but we'll say my marriage isn't all puppies and rainbows. I will try to make it work, until I can't, and then like a friend of mine today suggested, I will harvest his kidneys and sell them on the black market...
(For those of you who do not know me as well as the rest of you... THAT'S A JOKE!)
Thanks again
and thanks for let
I think selling his kidneys might be a great place to start!
I don't have much to add that pp haven't already said. Have you ever seen $5 dinners? http://www.5dollardinners.com/ You might find some good recipes on there.
Just a question about his fishing....what the heck does he do the entire time if he comes home with no fish?! Is he really that bad at fishing??
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great site! Thanks Carrie!
He kind of sucks at fishing... so he catches a lot of trash fish like blues and lady fish and catfish... not real yummy to eat. When he does get lucky and catches the good eating stuff, they size regulations are too strict =/ I could tear up on a redfish or sheephead. I never see those come home =(
I think Lauren was the one who did the money in envelopes. I plan to do this as soon as DH finds a job (right now we spend so minimally I dont think that is would matter much).
LIke Bev said, cut the TV. You can watch so many shows on the internet now a days ( Hulu.com Surfthechannel.com Casttv.com TVduck.com )
Have you thought about switching insurance companies, to get a lower monthly payment? We have been looking around in the last few weeks and plan to change companies by next month.
I havent read all of the responses...but have you thought about making him put his paycheck into your account every pay period, and you putting a small perecentage of spending money back into his account once things get back under control? He needs to learn a lesson here, and this might be the only way.
Im so sorry you guys are going through this, and that he is a total sh!thead for doing this to you guys. ((hugs))
I am so late on this post but I wanted to respond.
First, I am so sorry you are having to go through this! Noone should be faced with this.
Second, maybe you can post your budget on here and we all can figure out ways you can cut back on your spending.
DH and I use a cash envelope system (we follow the Dave Ramsey plan and went through his Financial Peace University course). It works really well for us. You start by writing out all of your major monthly expenses (mortgage, utilities, etc), and deduct them from your monthly income. Then deduct other categories, like groceries, clothing, health needs, entertainment, gifts, etc. The other categories are different for everyone. For those categories, you pull the cash out of the bank and put each chunk into an envelope. At the end of the month, when the envelope is empty, you're done spending. This works well for us with groceries. The idea is that you "zero out" your budget every month (this includes payments toward debt, money to transfer into savings, etc).