Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sex Help
My DH and I have been married four months. My sex drive (unfortunately) is much more constant than his. Once, we didn't have sex for 3 days, and so I decided to give him a suprise to get him in the mood. I lit candles in the bedroom, downloaded some sexy music, put on a good outfit and stripped for him. My DH is in his 20's and couldn't "get it up." I am trying not to let it bother me, but it did. This still happens once in a while. Isn't he too young for that! I feel like I'm not sexy enough, but I'm generally considered a good looking girl. I don't get it . . . help!
Re: Sex Help
If it's happening a lot he should get checked but it's not completely wrong for him to sometimes not be in the mood either. Maybe he felt the pressure to perform since you went to all the trouble, maybe he felt like it felt too forced, maybe he had just masturbated not knowing you were going to be doing this and wasn't up for it again yet. maybe he was gassy or stressed.
Talk to him about it but be gentle, it's not exactly a thing of pride for a guy if he can't get it up for his girl. 3 days isn't really what I would consider a super long wait though my guess is it's not a physical problem and not a problem with you, it's probably just stress/over thinking..
Thanks - we did talk about it a few days later, and he said he didn't know why it happened. He said maybe he got nervous because like you said, he felt pressured to perform, but I want to know other ways to get him "in the mood" that won't be pressuring him. I've asked him before what he likes, and his response is, "I don't know." I love my husband, but I feel like I can't "turn him on."
my guess is that you are turning him on but that his sex drive just isn't as high as yours. You said you waited 3 days without sex, that is not a lot. Does he initiate?
Everyone's different though, I know my H probably wouldn't get in the mood easily if it were too cheesy typical romantic (candles and music) or if and me strip dancing, but then again I would look like a chicken having a seizure if I tried that). On the other hand if he comes home from work and I'm in a school girl outfit or black lace he's on all over it.
If you don't want him to feel pressure though don't complain about not having sex or about whether or not you think he finds you attractive (assume that he does because that's probably the truth of the matter) and just focus on having fun. Talk about your fantasies and have him share his, that alone will probably get him in the mood. Then you can maybe try some of them, or visit the sex store together and pick out a toy that you can both try. There are tons of things to do to shake things up...just don't focus on the "omg we haven't had it in this many days, what's wrong with me/him/us".
This comment made me laugh out loud!
Additionally, in response to OP's comment on H not knowing what he likes, that's part of the fun of experimenting. There's nothing sexier in my mind than discovering for the first time something that you absolutely love at the hands (or tongue or what have you, wink) of your S.O. My fiance and I are still learning all about what we both like and don't like, and even though things are still a little awkward (we were both virgins when we started dating) the newness of it is part of what excites us. Try different things with him -- after asking if he's okay with it, of course -- and see what provokes the strongest reaction from him. It shouldn't take long before he finds at least a few things that really seem to get him stimulated.