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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Cannot STAND my husband's friends
So we live in an apartment directly above a good friend whom my husband went to college with. Things used to be really cool and fun when he was dating a girl I really liked (we're still good friends now); we used to actually do things together and have a good time (e.g., camping, roadtrips, dinners, etc). Now, he's with this new girl who's SUPER immature, loud, obnoxious, you name it---who basically lives there, as well as her younger, jobless brother who's squatting there too....and all of their friends who hang out down there are super young and act like it...one of them is 19 and still has his learner's permit! (husband and I are both 28). I hate to be a ginormous b!tch, but I cannot STAND hanging out down there! They're always doing something, and husband has no problem with them, so goes down to hang out all the time...(e.g., they're big into nerdy board games, video games GALORE and stupid TV shows that they think are hilarious but I think are SUPER juvenile). I don't know what to do; I'm sure they think I'm a giant B for never wanting to hang out for more than a half hour with them, but they're all super snobby and clique-y as well (hardly ever saying hi or inviting me into the conversation---not that I'd want to talk about the nerdy things they're discussing anyway). My husband is neither snobby or clique-y and is very easy going; guess these things don't bother him like they do me. I can seriously go down there and not be spoken to for over an hour by any of them. Should I just bite the bullet and make an attempt to learn to play these stupid board games with them (e.g, kind of role-playing/fantasy games...not dirty ones, hehe) and pretend to be G-Rated and stupid in order to keep things smooth with everyone? It's seriously like hanging out with a bunch of drunk, cackling 12 year old girls all trying to be in the spotlight. Anyway, just venting I guess. Probably should go down there, going to be forever branded as the stuck up b!tch wife. sigh.
Re: Cannot STAND my husband's friends
I would not hang out with them. They are your H's friends, not yours. In the past, H's friend (and his ex-gf) were friends of you AND dh. Now they are just dh's friends. That's ok. You're allowed to enjoy doing things aside from playing fantasy board games and playing video games.
As much as you dislike them, you are NOT going to be able to hide it when you are there. Even juvenilles know when people don't like them! They'll think you are more of a b*tch for going over there and disliking them the whole time than they'll think of you for not going. It should be easy for your h to say "Oh, hitchednmay isn't into video games." or "Hitched doesn't really follow MadMen - she's spending time catching up on the CSI episodes she missed."
Unless they throw a party or your h wants to go out with his friend as a couple, then I would not go down just to "hang out." I don't constantly hang with my neighbors. I don't think most two-family home occupants visit each other constantly.
And move at the next opportunity - - to a single family home or condo!
DH has some friends that I do not like, so I do not hang out with them. If he wants to see them he doesn't on his own.
Why not? That's exactly what you sound like. You expect them to do all the work while you sit high above them on your little queen b!tch throne, judging them for being born a few years after you and for having the sheer audacity to have interests that are different from yours and how dare they and the pearl-clutching and oh my!
Yeah, you sound like loads of fun. Stay home.
They have different interests - so what? Either don't go or start making an effort to be more open to different things.
And now I'll be waiting for the DD since everyone isn't jumping on the "poor you!" bandwagon.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I pretty much had the same thoughts as Ziti and ECB.
In general, if you don't have a good time at someone's party and it shows, do both of yourselves a favor and stay home.
Wow, your opinion of your husband's friends strikes me as extremely judgemental. Why do you resent them so much? If he likes hanging with them, that's his deal. If you don't like them, just stay upstairs.
Interesting that you are so concerned about THEIR opinion of you (e.g. - forever branded as the stuck up b**** wife), when clearly you have such a negative opinion of them!
If I were you (of course I'm not), but if I were you, I'd suck it up and go down there once in a while. I'd be pleasant and try to find someone out of that crowd that I could connect with, rather than sitting upstairs resenting them.
Wow, I'm new to this board, but there are some seriously harsh people on here! I think you ladies maybe need to take it down a notch or two when you're replying to posts. If you don't agree with something, I'm sure there is a nice way to say it! The idea of a blog is to offer support and advice in a constructive manner.
Hitch, I don't think that it's unreasonable of you not to want to hang out with these new friends. Just because one of your DH's friends has a new GF doesn't mean that you have to be best buddies with them. I understand your wanting things to go back to the way they were before when he was dating someone that you had a lot in common with. Those were good times and you're probably feeling a loss for them. Unfortunetly, people move on and friends go in different directions. Don't worry about what you look like to them, if you aren't friends, they probably won't notice anyway.
Why don't you try making some new friends that are couples so that you and DH have someone to hang out together with? That way you have your friends without DH, he has his friends without you and then you have the couples that you hang out together with? It doen't sound to me like he is pressuring you to become friends with the new GF and her friends, so I would just take a break and focus on things that you and DH can do together and then let him go and hang out with the downstairs buddy. Chances are the girls are just as annoying to him as they are to you, but he's a guy and doesn't have to have as much face to face contact with them as you are expected to.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I think you maybe need to spend, oh, an hour or two lurking here before posting so you can gauge the temperature of these boards before you appoint yourself the Nest Police and dictate how people are allowed to respond to posts.
And FYI = support is being told what you want to hear. Advice is what you need to hear. If you're looking for pats on the head and "there there, you just hang in there, girl, everything will work out fine," that's what your girlfriends are for, not a bunch of Internet strangers who have zero emotional investment in you.
And the idea of this website and these message boards (not a blog) is to generate ad revenue for The Knot and nothing else. Nobody is being forced to post here and nobody is being forced to read these boards.
Having the ability to look at yourself w/ a critical eye can be a really good thing in life.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It is sad that a person can't post a problem she may be having without being attacked.
I didn't realize that you needed to be police to be polite and kind. There are several ways of offering constructive advice without ripping a person to shreds. This is not the first BOARD (yes, you're right I used the wrong word, my apologies) I have been on - but it is the first board where there are a rampant group of bullies.
It's a shame as well because there seem to be an awful lot of nice, sensible women here as well. However, people who are looking for a group of polite people will be driven away by the nasty 'mean girls' who are posting.
Hitch, you did nothing wrong posting your concerns here. I'm very sorry you had to read some of the posts that came straight out of highschool.
There's nothing wrong with posting concerns here, no. There is something wrong posting "concerns" here and assuming that everybody is going to jump to your defense and tell you how right you are. Especially when the post you write makes you sound like an uptight, judgmental biotch.
And again, that's why it's always best to lurk for a while before posting. It's common sense and proper Netiquette. If you or the snotty OP had bothered to do that, you'd realize that rainbows and fuzzy puppies are found elsewhere. We don't blow smoke. If you don't like it, you don't have to stay. If you'd bothered to lurk, you would have realized this isn't the place for you.
As was stated earlier, if you only want to be validated, no matter how miserable your behavior or actions are, go to your girlfriends.
The thing is, is that we can only make judgments based on what other people share. So what you shared made you sound uptight and judgmental and snobby.
Your only evidence of how awful these people are is that they play video games, and watch TV shows you don't like.
Your point about them not inviting you into conversation started off as being valid but then you straight away said, "Not that I'd want to talk about their nerdy stuff" which again makes you sound like an uptight, snotty ***. I'm guessing these people pick up on how much you dislike them and so don't bother to engage you.
So you can go on feeling all hurt and wounded that no one said, "poor you, how horrible your life is." or you can consider that maybe you are being a pain in the ass when you visit these people and do the right thing and stay home.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I guess I read the OP different than some. It sounded like a vent of a frustrated wife, not so much a snob.
The people who hang out there and their personalties aside, I don't know many married 28 yr olds that want want to hang out regularly with people that much younger who are single. It's more about different priorities and interests than being a snob. If my husband wanted to hang with a bunch of people just out of their teens all the time I think I might have an issue too. Also, it would be hard if the poster is friends with the Ex GF, loyalty is a tough thing to figure out in situations like this.
Also, I am a new poster, so I guess I will be told I have no right to say, but the responses do seem harsh. I am a member of a few other boards, none of them feel the need to name call when they give advice.
Someone said " And FYI = support is being told what you want to hear. Advice is what you need to hear. "
I have been "lurking" prior to posting btw, and I guess still I don't get it either because I never saw any advice....just criticism.
If the OP had said, "DH is good friends with Downstairs Neighbor and has been for years. When Downstairs Neighbor was dating a girl I liked, we hung out a lot as couples, and she and I got to be good friends ourselves. Downstairs Neighbor is now dating a girl who's much younger than he -- and we -- are, and now instead of a crowd that's in their mid- to late-twenties being down there, it's a bunch of college-age kids who aren't into the same things we're into. I don't like hanging out with Downstairs Neighbor anymore, but since he's still DH's friend and DH doesn't mind the new crowd the way I do, I'm in an awkward place and afraid of being perceived as stuck-up because I don't go down there very often," she would have gotten totally different responses.
All the extraneous information about what losers they are and the gratuitous references to the nerdiness, stupidity, and puerility of their interests is what earned OP the flames.
Then she needs direct her anger where it belongs -- with her H who insists on hanging out with barely-legals, not the barely-legals themselves. Based on what the OP posted, they've done absolutely nothing wrong... unless you consider not falling to their knees and kissing her ass and loudly thanking the deities of their choice that she deigned to grace them with her presence the minute she walked in the door an insult.
You didn't see the multitude of posts advising her to "stay home"? Because that is perfectly cromulent advice.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
That's the TIP / Relationship / Family Matters board way of saying "I have every right to be a b*tch. And if you call someone on it, you don't deserve to be on the board!
Yup.
OP, maybe they are immature - most of them are quite young so that's not surprising. And maybe you don't like them or want to hang out with them - your choice. And maybe your H spends too much time down there - a valid concern that you should talk to him about.
But you sound like a b!tch, so it's harder to feel sorry for you.
huh...interesting thread
lots of b!tch!ness
too bad I don't have time to "spend, oh, an hour or two lurking...so you can gauge the temperature of these boards"
pffttt!! who's got time for that?! I'd rather live my life in the real world.
I may not have spent a ridiculous time "lurking", I have (only) spent a few minutes every week.
I don't think spending a good chunk of my life on here, so I know the inner workings of all the posters, is a good enough reason to be rude.
Hah! I guess that's the beauty (or ugliness) of anonymity on the web... you can act any way you want.
Too bad it's ugly here.. This message board could have better things to offer.
Lame! yet still entertaining! Thx ladies for the laugh!
I had the same problem with some of my husbands friends. They were extremely rude. Basically, we missed a couple of back yard BBQ's and they were all bent out of shape. However, my husband and I no longer enjoyed ourselves when we went to these occasions. Aside from my one friend, everyone else at the gathering would ignore us. I didn't get invited to the girls bridal shower. The other friend's wife was always making snarky comments and posted one aboute me on facebook. I tried to befriend her by IMing her and she ignored me. Then at out mutual friends insistence I invited this couple to our wedding and neither one showed up and theny never apologized and never sent a card or anything. This was after we apologized for supposedly snubbing these people for not coming to enough of their BBQ's. And after they continually ignored our invitations to come to our home.
It hurts when you try to put yourself out there and people are rude to you or completely reject you. I guess the other posters ignored the part where you said that no one would talk to you for over an hour. My thinking is that you don't share the same interests and it's a struggle to connect with these people. It's hard not to have an attitude when you have been slighted by people.
I would say a conversation needs to be had between you and your husband about the way you feel. That you would like to try and meet other couples who share both of your interest. That you don't share the interest of your mutual friend's new girlfriend and don't enjoy yourself when you go with him to that apartment. That you would like to spend time with him doing something you both enjoy and as a couple you should both agree on how much alone time you want(i.e. when he can go hang out with these people if he wants to and you are going to do something else), how much private time you want to spend together as a couple and how much time you would like to spend socializing with people other then your neigbors in the apartment downstairs.
Well, you are being a stuck-up *** if you're coming down on their nerdiness and insulting their games while saying you've never tried to learn how to play. They probably are a hoard of annoying asshats, but it's just as likely they seem that way, and don't talk to the new person, because they're socially incompetent. Which, sure, is a perfectly good reason not to make friends with them if you don't care about them enough to work around their hangups. And why should you? Make some individual friends and stop bringing your preppy attitude into the dungeon. You'll not miss one another.
Nerd pride!
My recommendation would be to invite your husband to do an activity with you where you will meet better people; then you can hang out with them instead of a bunch of teeny-bopper-wanna-be's.