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I need to fix it with my husband
So last month my husband J- and I engaged in a devil's threesome. 
It was something we talked about for a long time. We laid out certain ground rules based on our perceived comfort zone. There were simple things like no kissing and no anal penetration with the second guy. J- wasn't comfortable with anything he felt was intimate. More like the second guy was a living sex toy.
In the heat of the moment I sort of disregarded the boundaries. It felt good at the time, but now J- is seriously jealous. I know that this is my fault but I do think he should take some responsibility for putting me in the position. I've tried to talk to him, I don't know what I can do now.
Re: I need to fix it with my husband
how is it his fault? did he request the threesome? i mean, i get that you both equally agreed. but there were boundaries that you both set forth. how would you feel if the third person had been female and your H had disregarded the boundaries that you both had agreed upon? would you feel a bit jealous if you had watched your H kiss another girl after he had agreed not to? if you wouldn't be jealous, then i suppose that is your leg to stand on moving forward.
i'm not sure what you can do at this point. i suggest lots of communication and no more threesome's.
Well frankly there's a lot to fix!........
As we see here every day, the main tenet of sex in marriage,...in fact, marriage itself, is communication. You communicated, negotiated, and sorted it all out, and THEN you went freelance and disregarded it all anyway!!!??.....
I'm all for creative and unconventional sexual solutions and adventures but this is going to take some 'putting back in the bottle'...........if you 'communicate' with your husband now to try to put this right he KNOWS it's valuless because you'll probably do your own thing anyway.......
Exactly what did you do to cross the line?
His idea.
Why am I not suprised it was your H's idea?
Frankly, I'd examine why your marriage *needs* this type of *fix*.
It started out with me giving gentle little bites to both of the guys and the second guy leaned down and started kissing me, we hadn't laid out our boundaries with him, maybe that would have helped. At first I thought about pulling away, but he was a really good kisser and I got really into it. After a bit I could tell that it really bothered J- so I stopped. I lapsed in judgment a few other times and kissed the guy again.
But I think what really did us in was while J- and I were having sex the second guy was playing with me and started stimulating my backdoor. I was enjoying it when it was his fingers but then he mounted me and that hurt so my eyes welled up a little. After that J- was undone.
I mean the threesome ended with us all satisfied, but after that the attention shifted. I was paying all my attention on J- trying to make things right, but J- was ignoring me and focusing on the other guy who I don't think noticed the shift in dynamic and was spreading his time between us.
I don't know if that makes sense. The big thing that bothered me is despite trying for ages to make anal sex work between us J- and I have never been successful at achieving pleasurable penetration. So after the other guy tried I think J- was trying to get back at me, because he had anal sex with him and was very emphatic about how much he enjoyed it.
It just all sort of went south. What was supposed to be an enjoyable experience for all of us turned into a clusterfluck of one-up-man-ship.
Do you think if we focused more on achieving the goal of enjoyable anal sex together it may salve the jealousy?
It just all sort of went south. What was supposed to be an enjoyable experience for all of us turned into a clusterfluck of one-up-man-ship.
Holy. Yeah, this is why threesomes are a bad idea. Things can go very wrong and ruin your relationship. You broke the rules that you'd both agreed to, he has a right to be upset. You should've discussed that with the guy as well to make sure he knew as well.
So to get back at you for breaking the rules your husband had anal with the other guy? Wtf.
It's going to take a lot of communication to fix this. Counseling. You both messed this up, you're going to have to work together to fix it. And not just in the bedroom.
Call me crazy, but I'm thinking if you have to lay out all these boundaries to not be jealous, then maybe a threesome isn't for you?
Maybe im missing something here but i cant for the life of me understand WHY kissing isnt allowed but fkking is? I dont get that? he can stick his prick in you but not put his tongue in your mouth. makes no sense to me.
As for your H having anal with this guy before...was this with you are before you?
lmao
that is exactly what I was thinking...the whole prostitute thing..but I still dont get it! *** ok tongue not......hmmmm
How come you don't find it disturbing that he had anal sex with that guy?
Yes --- did you know he is bi? if not, you know now.
lol..gay sex, bi sex, ehh its all just sex to me...doesn't confuse me as much as this no kissing rule..lol
it sounds like OP waswell aware of her hs sexuality.
There is a whole lot going on here that needs fixing. I personally do not mess with threesomes of any variety. It is just too messy with too much at stake & a high potential for fvcked-up-ness. Exhibit A is your situation, OP.What exactly needs fixing? It seems like you all got what you wanted (sexually at least). If you are just NOW focusing on emotional needs (after this mess) its a little late. Better late than never, I guess...
I would focus on getting your marriage sorted out before making things more complicated with any more group sex adventures.
J- and I have always been hedonistic. We met in the Power Exchange in SF. Neither of us are bound by conventional sexual partners. But, after J- and I got together we both kind of faded out of that lifestyle. This was our first venture back as a couple.
I didn't think that kissing was that big of deal, I was the one who suggested it. It was meant to be a connection I maintained with J- and J- alone. The big issue was the anal sex. J- really enjoys it, but I've never felt comfortable with trying it with any of the partners I've had before him. He really wants me to like it as much as he does.
Then we move into the realm of where sex was used not as an expression of pleasure, but a means of vengeance and that sullies the whole thing.
One of you asked what is is I wanted to fix, I'm not sure I just don't want it to be strained and uncomfortable like it is now. Just because we all got a happy ending, doesn't mean it ended happily ever after.
1.) If you don't like Anal Sex then you don't like anal sex. You shouldn't ever have to suffer through an uncomfortable experience just because your husband likes it. You aren't into and probably won't ever be into it the way your husband is. He is just going to have to accept it. You gave it a shot, and didn't care for it. I don't like brussel sprouts and my husband does. I gave them a shot, and didn't like them. I won't ever love them the way he does. He is over it. I don't see how this is any different. You still have sex with the man and seem pretty accommodating. Everyone has to make sacrifices in this life (in and out of the bedroom) your husband is just going to have to deal.
2.) One way to prevent awkwardness with your husband is to quit having sex with other men. It sounds as if the affinity that each of you has for the other was damaged by this encounter. To me that is a sign of a healthy, loving relationship that was subjected to unnecessary strain. You both thought you could go back to your old patterns that each of you held prior to being a couple. Your relationship has changed (marriage and a period of exclusivity) and so it is not wise to think that you go back to the old patterns. Old behavior will not produce old emotions. It just complicates the now-evolved relationship that you & your H have now.
3.) I am being up-front with you about the fact that it sounds like neither of you are 100% comfortable with an open-marriage type situation. It sounds like he is feeling possessive and weird about the experience. I think you should talk to him about it.
Good luck. Most definitely maintain some monogamy for a little while. That way you don't have anything gumming up the works or setting you back in the relationship/sex department while you and your husband work this out.
Motzie,
I'm almost positive she meant that her DH stuck his peen in the other guy. That's the only "revenge" that makes sense. She won't let her H stick it up her backdoor, the other guy managed to stick it in her backdoor during the threesome, so her H went after the anal he's always wanted by sticking it in the other guy's backdoor.
I mean, if he's badgering her about anal, it's not because he wants her to strap on something and go to town. I think that makes him the analor, not the analee.
Which reminds me of Arrested Development, when Tobias gets his business cards made for his joint degree in analysis and therapy, and his business card touts him as an analrapist.
Agreed Donny. That was my thought.
(pssssst...I'm just amused by the whole thing, I was hoping the OP could shed some light on how that ended up happening)
Oh, that and MUD, muddymudmud at the use of bound by conventional sexual partners, hedonistic, sullies and vengeance.
J- was the penetrator not the penetratee. As for shedding some light it was a natural progression. Some stimulation, plenty of lube and go time.
I'm using phrases like bound by sexual partners, et all, because I want to sound proper. I'm working hard at not sounding like a cheap erotic novel or like an uneducated cumslut.
I realize I might be trying too hard, but as open as I am in the bedroom, I'm not much used to talking about it and I think that is reflected in my phrasing.
This post not only captured my attention, but made me think about how I would feel about introducing another sexual partner into MY marriage. So much so, in fact, that I discussed it with my DH, M. I, personally, have absolutely no desire to have a threesome-period. It's hard for me to imagine being that sexually attracted to or that comfortable with any other man. Nevermind the complications that could potentially arise from such a situation. But I was curious what M's view on the subject would be.
He was absolutely appalled at the thought of another man having sex with me. He further added, that even if he could stomach the notion of me being with another man, he would never go near another man himself-he's just not into that. He also adamantly denied having any interest in having a threesome with another female and further explained, that while he wouldn't judge couples who choose to have more open relationships and multiple sex partners-he personally believes that part of our vows to love and honor eachother as husband and wife is to be monogomous. He said, and i quote, "I would never want to share that special and intimate part of our lives with another living sole!"
I'm not going to lie-I was absolutely thrilled by his answer! It's a very nice feeling to know that my husband is satisfied enough with me and our relationship, that he doesn't need anyone else. It was also extremely satisfying to know that he doesn't want to share me or the special connection we have with anybody else.
Obviously, our lifestyle choices aren't for everyone. DH and I came to the conlusion that we are not as open as you and your H, xaniax. But perhaps, you are not as open as you originally believed also? If both you and J are struggling with the aftermath of having this threesome, if you stuggle to even speak about it, maybe you need to rethink just how open you are willing to be in your relationship. IOP, having a threesome while you are single and unattached is completely different from engaging in one while you are in a serious, committed relationship. You said yourself, that you and your H drifted away from that lifestyle when you got togehter. I'm guessing there was a reason for that!
Time to have a discussion with DH, revisit the topic of your open relationship, and lay out some new guidelines that you are both comfortable wtih. I'm sure that you two can move past this awkward situation. Best of luck to you!
I totally agree with smock smock-you were not to have anal, you let the guy mount you, your eyes welled up and then later on you implied second guy didn't finish anally. So, being hurt, your husband mounted him and finished off in him. He was hurt and jealous of what you let another man do to you IN FRONT of him. Probably angry, although you both didn't let second guy in on rules of the game, and you better believe he is going to say it was great doing the other guy because he was hurt. What can you do-some serious counseling and don't do 3some again. One thing, and I may have missed this-did you and your husband finish in front of this guy? If you didn't, I assume it is because your husband was hurt and wanted to make a point. Please tell me all were using protection so there are not other problems.