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DH says I'm not affectionate and don't initiate sex enough
I don't know what to do. My husband was very upset the other night because he's always the one that has to initiate sex. I just don't feel in the mood often, but I can usually go along with it fine when he initiates it. It's really the last thing on my mind after working all day, cooking dinner, cleaning up, and then doing school work all night. I tried to explain this to him, but he seems to think it's because I'm not attracted to him. I was about to initiate it the other night, but he was complaining about how tired he was and how he wanted to get to bed early. So I didn't.
He also said I never tell him he's handsome or show any signs that I'm even attracted to him. I am attracted to him, I just have problems expressing it verbally. Growing up I didn't really get a lot of affection, so it's weird for me to be super affectionate towards anyone. My DH is the opposite- he received lots of affection growing up and expects it. I've explained this to him also, but he can't turn off his desire for affection and compliments on his appearance.
Any ideas on how to handle?
Re: DH says I'm not affectionate and don't initiate sex enough
Check out the book "The Five Love Languages." I'm not tyring to be a salesman for the book, but it addresses these types of issues directly. You may be expressing that you love your H by cooking, cleaning dinner, or performing other acts that aren't mentioned above, whereas he's looking for something else.
The book reads quickly and easily and has examples that you can likely relate to. It will help you identify and take small steps to being more accomodating to what your H is looking for, and you may learn more about yourself and how you like to be shown that you are loved.
You would probably score a real win if you can get your H to read this as well.
umm...start showing more affection.
It doesn't sound like he's asking for a lot. Just mention that you like the new shirt if he's wearing one, or slap his butt when he's walking up the stairs, be the one to grab his hand to hold when you're out walking, when you walk by him to go to another room give him a kiss, if he's playing a video game go sit by him and show some interest, tell him you love him every now and then or pick out something you like about him "I love when you wear that" or come up behind him and kiss his neck.
It's really not that hard to show someone that you're attracted to them, it sounds like you just don't show it at all.
And with the actual sex, sometimes initiating it gets you into it.
Well, tell him what would put you in the mood. Let him know that cleaning up after dinner, or even cooking dinner once in awhile would allow you to unwind and get re-energized-but that's just the first step. Do you know what puts you in the mood? Cuddling? Him being romantic? A massage? There's nothing he can do if you can't even express to him what would make you more interested. Do you even know what would turn you on? If so, tell him!
I think his problem is the problem I have with my husband. My husband is like you, tired and not interested, but will sometimes 'go along fine with it'. Which makes me feel like he's not into me at all, especially when he doesn't seem to know what would help. Very frustrating.
Your husband probably wants you to actually want him, you know? Not just be all, 'okay, I guess we can go have sex''. But be like all, ''Damn your'e sexy, get in here...'' Maybe not exactly like that, but maybe a little enthusiasm would go a long way?
Also, you don't have to have sex at night after a long day. Have you tried waking up a little earlier instead and trying in the morning before you're stressed out?
I also read Love Languages its a good book I still havent figured out what DH is. You need to tell him about the other night when he was tired & see what he says maybe he would have been fine with you still going for it.
You could always consider seeing a councler or marrage councling to get on track with each other.
Your not the only one in that boat. I know its hard. Good luck!
Why don't you pick up the ball on this a bit? Invite him into the shower with you or get in with him. Let nature take its course.
Maybe you can leave your H a note on the seat of his car or tucked inside his suit or pants pocket.
All of this. Think about what makes you feel sexy. Compliments and feeling wanted/desired. Your husband wants that too! Also, if you act like sex is a chore its going to make him feel really lousy. Like, "if I were a better lover my wife would really be hot to get into bed with me, but shiit-- she acts like she is being condemned to death when I would like to make love to my wife. "
I would feel awful if my husband acted like having sex with me was some awful chore to be over and done with. Try to muster some excitement for sex and really remember the man you married. Get fresh with him throughout the day and work it. You will be surprised how often he is willing to do the same for you in and out of the bedroom!
You'll make it. Baby steps first: sexy notes around the house. A text in the middle of the day to tell him how he is on your mind and you want to jump him when he gets home. Grab his butt and tell him how much you love him. Be playful. Have some sexy fun with your husband.
Have fun!
Edited to add: I understand that you are tired from all the things that you have to do throughout the day. However, I'm guessing your husband works too. If you are the only one doing housework let him know that one of the reasons that you are just not up to it is that you are wacked after having double duty at home. Ask him to help you with half the chores. That way you will have a little more energy to devote to your "hot husband". You get two things out of this: help with the cleaning, and more energy to devote to your sex life.
I understand the not easily expressing your affection towards your H in words. My family was also one that didn't say "I love you" etc very often, but expressed it with actions. My H had a family completely opposite. So we meet in the middle. I express more verbally and he more with actions. Since we started planning on a life together its been really important to both of us that our family is more balanced than either of our nuclear families were.
We do what other people have said: kiss on the cheek as we walk by each other, swat on the butt, cuddle while we watch tv or chat about our days and help each other make dinner/take turns cooking.
I get that you're tired. Does your H know that? Does he know how to help you be less so? Does he help with chores? Have that conversation if you haven't and compromise.
I agree w/ the book. It is a really easy read and it helped a lot for me. I didn't realize that the root of a lot of our differences in thoughts was b/c we speak different "languages".
Wow.
Say you really liked tennis.
You like to play tennis with your husband and think it can be something fun to do together, but he's not really into it. He never really wants to go, but he'll usually go when you ask him.
Does that sound like a really fun tennis partnership?
It reminds me of eating sushi with my husband. Its not really fun doing stuff with people when they don't really want to do it.
I'm wondering why you said you don't know what to do? I think you do know what to do (sounds like he told you specifically what you could do), but need to figure out why you don't WANT to do it or why you don't have enough energy to do it and how you can fix those issues in your relationship.
How much longer will you be in school and working full time? Is he helping to pick up enough slack in other areas when you are so busy?
Sounds like some quick text messages and initiating sex would make him feel tons more loved (which is a good thing, right!?). I mean, you're going to have sex anyway, sounds like, so if YOU initiate and show some excitement, he'll feel so much better about your relationship. He probably waits for you to initiate, and then after so many days of getting nothing from you he gives in and initiates on his own.
I actually heard something about this on a Christian radio station, but didn't know there was a book out there. I'll definitely check it out. Thanks!
Yes. I am on the pill. I had a feeling that might hae something to do with it. Before I got on it, everything was fine with the sex drive. I was exploring the possibility of natural family plannin, but wasn't really sure how to go about it.
My husband and I have a problem similar to yours. I'm currently on the pill, have been for the last 6 years for my period. Tried getting off of it before we got married but after realizing how much my mood was affected (I was a witch when I wasn't on it) we decided I should go back on it. Not to mention how much my cramps hurt....
I find that even though I'm not turned on all of the time, he seems to appreciate that I'm willing to do things for him (in the bedroom) and get excited about it even if I'm really not that excited as I make myself out to be.
We also send eachother sexy texts throughout our days, give lots of back massages, cuddle, etc quite frequently.
I think I'll have to check out that book too to see if it helps with anything. If you find something that works for you let me know too! lol
I will totally jump on board recommending Love Languages. It's fantastic!
As for everything else...I'm on the pill and it's definitely lowered my sex drive and brought upon dryness. But...what helps? Initiating and lube! DH knows that he isn't the reason for my lack it. (I wasn't on the pill at the beginning of our relationship...and there weren't any issues with libido or dryness.) Also, I tell him that I love him and want him and want to do things for him and to him.
I spoke with my GYN about this and she recommended BC without as much estrogen (Micronor) or the Depo Provera shot. I'll be looking into those options as soon as I get my new health insurance cards.
But...one thing I can say...your husband won't turn you down if you initiate. DH has told me plenty of times...a man would have to be utterly and completely exhausted for him to be too tired for sex. Besides, the more you practice initiating sex, the easier it'll get. I had this issue for a while and it just took practice.
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* After 22 months and 2 failed IUIs, we finally got our BFP *
DS delivered naturally at 41w6d on 4/18/14
I read that book. It helped me out. My sister bought if for us when we got engaged.
I was going to suggest the same thing. This book did wonders for my relationship. I feel loved through touch (like snuggling and him stroking my hair) while my DH feels loved through me taking care of stuff around the house (like laundry and vacuuming). Before we were trying to love each other the way we felt loved. Now I know that him doing laundry doesn't mean a lot to me, but it means so much to him.