Sex & Romance
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Is this normal?
Im very confused by my fiance right now. Out of everything there is to be worried about when it comes to marriage his biggest concern is sex. And what changes I should make. (Some of which I was like about damned time you caught up with me! While other touched subjects were WTF?) For me when it comes to this marriage I am wondering how well we will be able to pay things. Right now, I live with my parents and after paying all of my bills (and on time for a large percent of the time) I do not have much left for things I would want to do like going out to McDonalds for fries and a McFlurry. Is it normal for men to freak out over how sex will be after marriage or do I happen to have a sex-obsessed fiance?
Re: Is this normal?
If you are living with your parents and are barely getting by, marriage probably isn't the right step right now.
Are the two of you having sex now? Why is he so concerned about how it will change after you get married? What exactly does he think will change?
I need a little more info about what changes he's talking about.
Also, ditto PP that maybe you should wait to get married until you can afford to go to McDonalds.
I will ignore the obvious financial issues you have in your relationship (you can only pay your bills on time MOST of the time while living with your parents?) and just look at your sex question.
Sex will change after you get married. Since you live with your parents at the moment, you are probably having sex inconsistently, therefore sex is more charged and exciting. It will not remain so 20 or 30 years into marriage. It just won't. Not that married sex isn't great or hot, but it just won't be the same. Plus fitting sex in around kids activities and home repairs and errands won't be easy either.
If your fiance isn't mature enough to accept that inevitability then he isn't a good candidate for marriage at this point in his life. Sex does change, but an adult partner sees that and realizes that the frantic heat of new relationship sex is replaced by something sweeter and lasting and IS WILLING TO MAKE THAT SWAP. That is what it takes to be in a monogamous relationship for the rest of your natural lives.
Now you can negotiate non-monogamy into your relationship so that you can get newness and excitement from somewhere else, but that does take a level of maturity and communication that few couples really achieve. And your FI doesn't sound like a good candidate for that either.
Wait until you guys can live together and see how things look after one year.
And let me tell you, very few guys are so sex obsessed in their 30's. Plus, IMHO, beware that any guy who talks about wanting sex that much may not need sex as much as he needs the ego-feed or chemical high from orgasm. I was engaged to one of those guys. It wasn't pretty.
I think it depends on what his sex concerns are exactly.
But at the same time I think it's normal for both of you to be worried the things will change in the relationship after marriage and that's why you need to talk about what both of you expect after marriage honestly, and before you actually get married.
We went through a book like this before we got engaged (I can't find the exact one we got but I assume this is pretty similar: http://www.amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-Before-Married/dp/0071438033
We went through this book and talked about the questions they asked. It goes through things about sex (how often do you expect it) to finances (joint account? separate? what kind of dept to you have now?), family (how involved will parents be), chores (who should do what). It'll help get you ready and figure out what the other one really thinks about marriage. If he's afraid that sex will stop, it's a valid concern and you should find out what he would want sex-wise, and he should be aware of your thoughts as well, same with money problems, you need to figure out what you guys can actually manage and how long you should wait to actually have this wedding.