Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
adult dealing with parents recent separation
They were perfect.
I had the family life every one wanted. My friends always told me about their parents fighting, and I never took my parents relationship for granted. I knew I was lucky.
I put their relationship on a pedestal, and I modelled my own relationship, and new marriage after theirs.
Yesterday my parents sat myself, and my brothers down to tell us they are separating.
My dad has always worked long hours, and my mom says she has been lonely for almost her whole marriage, and needs some time and space to figure out what she wants and needs. She is moving out Thanksgiving weekend. My dad says this came completely out of left field. He is so in love with my mom still, has done everything in life to try to make her happy, except apparently the one thing she needed most, which was just be home more.
I was brought up to respect my dads work ethic, and it was hurting my mom all this time.
This has left me beyond confused, angry, upset, and scared.
I have been with my husband since I was 15, and now at 25 we have been married just 6 months. I have always respected that my parents were together from a young age, and made it work...
Now I feel like my entire world has come crashing down around me. Everything I thought I knew, I am questioning. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy in my marriage right now, but this has me wondering... how do you really know, that you can stay committed for LIFE. Its so long.
I don't even consider divorce an option. When I married my husband, it was for good. So the fact that my mother, who I have learned everything from, can leave my dad.
I am so lost.
Looking for adults whose parents separated later in life, so I don't feel so alone.
Re: adult dealing with parents recent separation
I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. *hugs*
How do you know if you can stay committed for life? Part of life is that you can't tell what the future brings. There is no answer to this question.
One thing that you and your husband can do is focus on the feelings you have for each other every single day. And communicate. Listen to what the other is and isn't saying.
I don't know anything about your parents, but if your dad is saying that he had no idea this was going on, my guess is that they weren't communicating and/or listening as well as they could have been.
If there's any good to be found in this situation, you can use their experience as a teacher for your marriage: communication is key.
My parents divorced after 31 years of marriage; when I was 30.
I get that you are upset and it is making you rethink some things that you took for granted.
But the order of magnitude to which you are placing on this makes me think that you should schedule a few sessions with a family counselor.
Take these lessons and apply them to your own marriage. Don't make the same mistakes. If your spouse is complaining, expressing disappointment, listen to him and respect it. If you feel hurt and resentful, communicate your needs to your spouse. Don't assume your marriage is divorce-proof and strive to stay connected for the rest of your marriage.
my parents divorced when i was 18, it was UGLY.
a few things: NO marriage is perfect, model your marriage after no ones-just do the absolute best you can for dh and vice versa. their marriage is not NOT yours.
i had a lot of therapy after my parents divorced. i suggest that you get some as well. it will allow you to separate your marriage from theirs in a healty way and deal with what's going on with them.
one more thing-it's THEIR marriage, not yours. don't get too involved in the particulars.
change your user name unless you want the entire planet emailing spam to your office.
I think you need to be realistic about your expectations. Nobody's perfect. No marriage is perfect. And idealizing your parents and/or their marriage isn't healthy for you or for them -- they need the freedom to be falliable human beings with their adult children and their adult children need to learn to love them in spite of and because of that.
You may need some individual counseling to help you cope. Your expectations and your dreams for how their involvement in your married life would be are now completely different. It's okay to grieve the fact that you won't be one big happy family at holidays and that your parents won't be together if and when they're grandparents. It's natural. You just can't get stuck there, though, and you can't keep fixating on the fantasy of "my parents had the perfect marriage."
Don't let them draw you in to any sort of taking sides or to telling you too much about their marriage. You need to set healthy limits for yourself, and getting sucked into the details of their separation and divorce is not going to be good for you.
I'm very sorry that you're going through this. My parents divorced when I was 18 and it was very difficult for me to deal with. I, too, grew up thinking my family was perfect, the marriage was great, etc. And with the timing (I was about to move away to college), I felt like I was losing my home, my family, and every aspect of my reality. It sucked.
I agree with PPs that you should take this as a lesson to communicate openly with your husband so if you have any concerns, you can deal with them as a couple so nothing will ever "come out of left field." I also think you should get some counseling for yourself to help deal with this transition and loss. And definitely stay neutral -- if one parent tries to complain about the other to you, or get you to take sides, nip it in the bud and set boundaries. My mom was very much a "you're with me, or you're against me" person and her repeated attempts to get me to take her side permanently damaged our relationship for the rest of her life. Keep out of it, trust me.
Congrats to both my TTC buddies, Amberley18 and sb2006 on their beautiful babies!
Trust me when I tell you that I know what you are feeling. Two years ago my parents came to visit me a week before Christmas to tell me they were separating after 30 years of marriage. Merry Christmas right? It looks like you and I had the same sort of parents growing up. My Dad always worked a lot and my Mom always did everything for him and took care of me and my sister. The difference is that my Dad was cheating on my Mom. Their divorce was final the week before my wedding a year ago. It truly does feel like your world is crashing down. I felt like my entire life was a complete lie. I didn't know what was true anymore. Did they ever really love each other? It was so hard because I modeled my life and how I wanted marriage to be like....after them. I honestly believe that when you are an adult it is much harder to adjust to parents not being together than if you were a child. At least when you are a kid you can learn to live your life without your parents together. If I told you that you get used to it I would be lying. I still cry sometimes when I think about it, and it still hurts to know that my life won't ever be the same. It does however get easier.
Cherie