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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
XP: co-parenting/step-parenting
i posted this on blended families but if any of you have any thoughts, i'd be interested in hearing them as well. i just don't know how many of you are in a similar situation as i am. i think i have one of the oldest kids on the board! : )
http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/42831861.aspx
thanks for reading and your thoughts. parenting is tough sometimes!
Re: XP: co-parenting/step-parenting
I'm sorry you're going through this. I am not a mother, nor a step-mother, nor did I have that situation growing up. So take my advice with a big huge grain of salt - it's more support than anything.
Can you talk to his father about equaling out the expectations? For instance, if your son is required to do the dishes at your house, but not at his dad's, could you come up with a universal "chores list" that applies to both homes? It seems to me that having different expectations in different homes would get frustrating for a kid. Maybe having a more consistent set of expectations is possible??
Good luck with it either way - it's clear you're a loving mother and want the best for him. Don't sweat it - remember, he's 12. And having been a 12 year old, parental conflict is normal ;-)
Just like you my only experience is that I was raised in a blended family. Not surprisingly, the results were very similar. Although I didn't spend 50/50 between my parents, so I think that is where my main difference lies. I spent enough time infrequently with my Dad that I looked forward to a break in the rules and discipline, but absolutely knew that the standards placed by Mom were for my own good.
I think that you handled it remarkably well in deciphering the attitude and reasons behind his words, but are still open to hearing if there is a legitimate reason that he does not feel welcome.
[Edited to Add] Your post also reminds me of a situation that I continued after my parents divorce. For months I blamed myself for their divorce, at the age of 6, and my thoughts were consumed by what I could have done to "save" them. My Mom finally asked me how it could possibly be my fault and I couldn't think of a single answer.
I know it's a stretch, but it reminds of your situation in that your son has probably had these thoughts mulling around for awhile, until the very thought that he is unwelcome is his only justification. As soon he spoke the words and you questioned HOW he feels unwelcome, I think he now realizes that they were just that, thoughts.
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I know Sky doesn't have another home to go to, but I will say that with Sky being 12 years old also, it's an interesting age. They want their independence, but at the same time, they need the supervision.
I guess as far as chores, with her I have had to resort more to a give and take situation. If I wash the dishes, will you please put them away? If you sort the laundry, I will wash and hang it all. If you pick up the floor of the big stuff, I will vacuum. If you take miley out this time, I will take her next time.
The attitude partially comes with age. I know Skylar will have days where she misses Dad and is extra irritable, but she is getting more and more surly. So we try to spend some time each day I get home from work so just talk about out day. Then we cook supper together and do our chores and then we both get some alone time or movie time for us to watch. (too bad she is into horror movies and I don't do horror! lol)
It's a tough age. But it's obvious you are a very caring parent who wants all the best for your son. You shouldn't have to relax your rules to help him adjust better. You have always had these rules and he knows it. He is at the age he will test the rules. If you let go on this, he knows he can get away with it even more in the future.
He sounds like a pretty good kid from what you have said here. Just make sure to keep the lines of communication open in all directions and don't take "sides".
marcyth, the 4 of us parents did recently talk about expectations at each house and they are pretty similar. dishes and picking up after himself, bring down laundry to the laundry room and putting it away when it done, keeping his room picked up, helping with household chores as asked. i just think that when he says "no" flat out, which he sometimes does, the repercussions of that are different at each household. we all agree that it's not acceptable but have different approaches to how we deal with him when he goes down the path of defiance.
i just think that i am more rigid and his dad is more softspoken. but i don't know that for certain.
and FWIW, i just got off the phone with his dad and told him all about it and he said, "just to be clear, i don't think we're any easier on him." so maybe i'm wrong about that. either way, i asked and he said he'd be there to listen if my son wanted to open up and i asked the he loop me in if he thinks there's any substance to it. his dad thinks that he's just getting to the age where he understands that he can sort of "pit one household against the other", you know, work the system. he didn't think there was really any merit to what DS said. he said, "we have some of the same struggles at our house." so, at least it's not just happening at our house.
and, i just want to say that i could NOT be more thankful for the relationship i have with his dad and stepmom. they are both such great, open, warm people. it makes co-parenting SO MUCH EASIER when we are all on the "same side." i am so so lucky. i cannot imagine having to deal with a difficult child AND a challenging relationship with his father.
thanks for the thoughts and advice thus far ladies!
Hugs to you, Lily! My thoughts come into play only as the (adult) child of a divorced home. The big difference is that my parents did NOT get a long at all and made things quite difficult for themselves and my sister and I.
I do have a 14 year old sister, though, and I'll say... my dad and stepmom are fantastic parents. They have always been encouraging, they enforce rules but never seem unfair, they are supportive and helpful.. they are all of the things I wish I had growing up, but didn't due to mostly custody issues. My sister is horrible, though. Horrible. I think it's the age. She started being a beast around age 12. She is disagreeable. She thinks everyone is being unfair and is out to get her. She talks back. She waits as long as humanly possible to do anything - from clearing the table, handwashing (no dishwasher in my parents house!) the dishes once a week, sweeping and swiffer wet-jetting the floor once a week, she takes her time with every single thing. She always says "Mom I need xxxxx (new jeans, shoes, makeup, $20, picture frame)" and when my parents tell her she can't demand that she need everything, she gets huffy and says she hates it at home. So... I think some of it IS the age. Of course, that doesn't make any of it easier to deal with.
Things you may have tried, but might help head off some of the frustration which has your son not feeling comfortable.. say things in a way that makes it feel like the ball is in his court. "Parker, will you clear the table by 7:00 pm so I can load the dishes before bedtime?" - and then give him until 7:00 pm with no other asking. If he hasn't done it by 7:00, then talk to him about it. The "owning your own feelings" statements that Joe and I learned in marriage classes - "When you don't do the dishes, it makes me feel like I didn't communicate my expectations. Could I have asked you in a different way so that we don't get frustrated with each other?"
Maybe a good old fashioned family meeting needs to happen? But in a way that is non-threatening to Parker. Let him pick the time (within a 1-2 week period) and let him pick the snacks, or a fun activity to do after the meeting. Tell him - we love you and we want you to participate in our family, but we are sad that you said you don't feel welcomed. Could you explain why you feel this way? and then LISTEN. Listen to what he says and come up with a plan for him AND you and Lars to solve that problem. Whatever you do, try to not feel defensive and closed up when he says why he doesn't feel welcome. I'm positive that you can do this - just from what I know about you on the internet, of course, but you are a genuine, caring, giving person. You are raising what will most likely be a very outspoken, independant (all in a fabulous way!) boy, who will eventually become a man and will realize that he might have been a touch unreasonable with you all. I think, to a degree, all kids are the way he's being. I know I was, I know my brother was (he's already getting better at age 17), I know my sister is in the thick of it.
ETA: I read the other post and all the other suggestions, and I have to agree with the picking your battles comment someone made. My parents have told me before that they have to do this with my sister, because otherwise it would feel like they are nagging over every.little.thing. It certainly has helped with dealing with her, because she isn't on pins and needles all of the time.
Good luck... keep me posted!
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I think that there was some great suggestions on your original post.
I think that you are doing great things. You have a great relationship with your ex and his wife and you all communicate really well.
I don't think that you should slack on any of the rules you have at all. At 12 years old, most children do not want rules and think that things are unfair. Honestly, I think that he has a great family with reasonable expectations from all parties involved.
I have raised two daughters pretty strictly. They would go back and forth between their father's house and mine. The grass was ALWAYS greener in the other parents house. No matter which house they were at, they wanted to be at the other house when it came to responsibilities and rules. I was the strict one, and I actually regret now, not being even more strict on some things. When my daughters were teens, was the hardest years of my life. (that probably doesn't make you feel better) SORRY! They made it through it and they grew into great adults.
My only real suggestion is to give him a time frame to come up with a few things that he thinks he would like changed. You can always negotiate from there. I think that would give him a sense of responsibility knowing that you are open to his suggestions of changes as he gets older.
this is all great advice ladies. thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond.
i agree about the idea of giving some options to him and sort of giving him control within reason. it makes sense to me and i understand it. lars, however said, "i will not have my life run by an 11 year old." so, clearly he doesn't agree with this. he thinks by giving parker choices, he's letting him be in control. he thinks that we should ask parker to do things and he should just do them with no back talk, no negotiating.
in an ideal world, i totally agree! but i don't think that this is how most kids operate. i'm i being to lenient or is lars being unreasonable?
i just don't think at 11, kids have the attention span or attention to detail that adults do.
i am currently structuring a spreadsheet of responsibilities (with input from lars) so parker has a visual, written list of things he needs to do each day and can mark them off when he's done them. that way he can't say "i didn't know i needed to do that". i'm hoping this alleviates some arguments in our house. my plan is to post one list on his bathroom mirror and one on the refrigerator. what do you think?
parenting is hard work!
Lars sounds just like my H. He kind of thinks of parenting in black and white. It isn't that way ever IMO. If it was only that easy.
I think that Parker needs to be able to trust you and depend on you. They also need to feel that you listen to them, as much as you hope they listen to you. You will always be the parent, and you will always have the last say in everything, but mutual respect is very important too.
I am a very firm believer in rules, but I also feel that there are some things that you should meet half way on. Even if they are only little things. I don't think that you are about to let your son walk all over you and run the household. You have to stand strong on some bigger issues and be a strong parent, but if there are other things that you can agree on mutually, then he knows you listen and respect him too.
that is a GREAT way of putting it. spot on. i never ever say this to lars but i feel like because i'm parker's parent and i've parented him for 12 years, i know when to push and when not to. pick my battles, you know? with just 2 years of parenting under his belt, i don't think lars has mastered some of the nuances. he's doing phenomenally well as a step parent but we call all get better and learn more, myself included. it's just hard to balance standing together as parents and also trying to teach lars that not every single battle is worth fighing. of course, he thinks i let parker get away with "everything" so... *sigh* we keep talking about it and trying to find something that works.
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I am not a parent, or a step-parent, but as a teacher of 12 year-olds, thank you for sending him to bed at 8:30. I was annoyed what others said on the post about the bedtime. Kids need sleep ESPECIALLY if they are involved in extra-curriculars outside of their "job" ie: school.
Though you could maybe offer to change him to 9:00 if he shows some responsibility, like not being asked to clear the table or other chores, but he does them of his own initiative.
I agree with Anita, that a co-family meeting may be in order, just to make sure you and your ex are on the same page and that Parker knows you're on the same page, so no trying to snow anyone.