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Am I a "bad" wife?
This was a reply to someone else's blog, who was asking nesters how many times they have sex. I was reading "6 times a week" "once a day" "3-4 times a week", etc... and I decided to confess, bring it out in the open:
For the past year or so I've "suffered" from total lack of a sex drive. Seriously, it's ME not him. He could have sex three times a day (except when his favorite team is playing! haha) But me? I could do without it! Seriously!
This month we've had sex once.
This
is where you gasp and think I'm an awful wife. I know, right? Ugh... This is NOT ordinary, but "ordinary" for us is once a week, TOPS. (4 years ago it was more often, though) We
cuddle and kiss and hug a billion times a day, and every night... but
the actual act of SEX just doesn't excite me at all! I used to like it! I
think it's boring, and kind of painful, honestly. I don't like the
cleanup and I am way too tired at bedtime. When we do have sex, it's mid
morning or mid afternoon. (Which really limits the work week) AND we don't have any good excuse! We have our own house! We don't have kids! We are young!
I'd like to get it to once a week, but I feel like I'm making myself do it, and that sucks.
....help?
Re: Am I a "bad" wife?
I don't think your a bad wife, for DH and I, we are lucky and i say lucky if you can fit once a week in. We don't have children, we have our own house, but we both have jobs and other responsibilities. I wouldn't feel bad about your situation or try to compare what others do. Everyones is going to be different. If both your husband and are fine with the # of times that is fine. There is no good/bad here. Just when one person is unhappy and then that leads to issues. Just keep your communication up with your husband. What we do is plan weekly dates and if that leads to sex great, if not thats fine. We are only human and if either of us is too sore, or whatever, we will just do something else.
As for the painful sex, are you on BCP? Was it always like that? I had pain a while ago, it was caused by hormonal BC. Maybe try more foreplay? Bring some toys into the mix and talk to each other what you both want. I know many times if I am stressed and overly worked I won't want sex either..try talking things out.
I understand where you are coming from. I don't think you are a bad wife at all. I have some of the same issues. I really enjoy sex when we have it and get in the mood a lot, but by the time we get our dd to bed and wind down for the day, I'm too tired. I can go weeks without sex and it doesn't bother me. I like it, but I could do without it. Sounds terrible, I know.
However, it is essential for our hubbys. Plus, that is how they show their affection a lot of the time. I'm trying to work on us being more romantic and not really "scheduling" time for sex, but scheduling time for us to be intimate so it can lead to sex.
Hope that helps some. You aren't alone!
Are you on BC? I was on the NuvaRing before we got married and my sex drive was non-exhistant!! It was like I had to force myself to get in the mood. I had to go off of BC because I got blood clots, but the plan was to go off of BC after the wedding anyway, and my sex drive has dramaticly improved!
If not, I've heard that if you try to schedule it in for a certain time every week that can help. Good Luck to you!!
You aren't a bad wife at all! we have sex 4 or 5 times a week usually. Sometimes I'm not really 'in the mood' but I love my hubby and do it for him. As long as you guys are happy and show affection that's all that matters I think. There isn't a rule book to everyone's sex life. Each couple is different! Just be vocal about your feelings and concerns to him and get his opinion on a regular basis.
Best of luck!
Did something happen that caused the change in sex drive (more stress at work? tired?) I mean -- there was a phase when I went from a job that required 9 hours a day to a firm that required 13 and weekends ...I was totally drained, it made me resentful, and it totally impacted my relationship, to the point it almost caused us to break up (and we've been together 6 years). We got a counsellor, I switched jobs -- (it was no way to live!) -- and now we are married and happy.
It's a little strange that you used to like it but now think it's boring. Is there something about your relationship, or how you feel about your husband that makes you not "into it" ... and I hate to be crude, but do you actually "get there" when you have sex? If you don't -- I guess I could see how it's boring, but if you do, you still don't enjoy it?
I don't want to be the jerk on the board, but a healthy sex life is an important part in a relationship -- you might consider seeing your doctor to see if there's a reason for your sudden decrease in sex drive (meds, etc) or see a therapist. If you start withholding sex, or feel like you're grudgingly agreeing to sex, it could really start causing a rift in your relationship. Not now, but possibly in the future (sorry, I don't want you to freak out -- just being honest). Not to overreact, but ask for an opinion now, see what you can do. Nip it in the bud.
You know, I've asked like THREE gyno's about this low sex drive problem and they all just looked at me and said "maybe you're stressed, there's nothing you can really do about it." which gets me really pissed off because men can just pop a pill and be totally ready for it, if they have a problem, but I can't just pop a pill to "get hard" and ready to go! This change has been gradual, too.. not like all of a sudden I lost it. I changed birth control twice to try to correct it and it hasn't made a difference. And NO I don't come during sex, only with a vibrator and I mean I have used it together, and he doesn't mind but I prefer to do that alone. So sex is like... "ehhh that was kinda fun" for me. I wish someone could just give me answers! Maybe we need to see someone? Like, a sex therapist?
Do you feel like your H sort of rushes into sex before you're emotionally into it?
It's still early, but there's some evidence that Wellbutrin helps a woman's libido. Ask your doctor.
As others have said, this is only an issue if your husband wants it a lot more. That said, it sounds like if you guys never had sex again, and he was OK with that arrangement, you'd be perfectly happy to do that. So there has to be a problem here if that's the case.
As a man with a normal libido, it's very hard for me to put myself in your shoes. Men tend to treat sexual arousal as a necessary condition for romantic love. Thus, if my wife isn't having sex with me, the implication is that she doesn't love me (at least, not romantically). I've read enough posts on this board such that I'm pretty sure women feel differently about it, but that doesn't mean I understand that point of view. I guess what I'm saying here is make sure you give your husband complete information as to what's going on with you physically, so that he doesn't start believing you just love him like a good roommate. Once he starts thinking that way, he'll start believing it, and eventually, he might not love you back. Good luck.
to be quite frank, I don't think you are a bad wife but you certainly are a neglectful wife. We wives are the only source of sexual gratification for our husbands (or should be) and when you deny him in this way you are setting him up for all sorts of temptations as well as sending the message to him that you could care less about his needs.
Sex is connection. It doesn't have to always be mindblowing but it should be fairly regular. Think about what message you are sending him.
Imagine him deciding that he didn't want to come home late every night, or have dinner with the family, or help you with the "honey-do" list. What message would that send you? You would begin to feel unloved. Well I bet he is feeling that same way.
Your conscience is telling you something...listen to it.
spend time exploring your sexual relationship. Stop viewing it as a duty and start seeing it as a way to connect on an emotional level. Your relationship will improve significantly if you start investing time in enriching your sex life. Fall in love all over again. You both deserve to be satisfied and you have the opportunity to make the first "move." Go for it!
? BFP Chart ?
If it's that much of a chore to do it then it must be boring...you need to get some outfits or get your DH and sit him down in front of some porn.
Sex is supposed to be fun, people. Not work.
Too many posts to read through. You are not a bad wife. At least you recognize it and would like to see things better. My 2 cents, every now and again, if he wants sex, just have it. I have been finding this true and saying it to others. The less sex men have, the more they want it. The less sex women have, the less we want it.
I know people out there are screaming saying I'm crazy and hey, maybe it's not everybody. But men and women are wired differently. Some days I will turn my husband down, but if it has been awhile, I realize that's the problem. So we have sex and then usually the next time we are up for it, I'm asking before he is.