Oklahoma Nesties
BoyMom21
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
WWYD if your husband was a crappy dad?
I have a friend (she's going through a divorce right now) who, after they had their child, discovered her husband was absolutely worthless in the father department. The baby was planned, they both were excited the entire pregnancy, and then they had their child--POOF. He SUCKED.
He didn't help with anything--they both worked full-time, but she was responsible for baths, feedings, picking up/dropping off, etc.
Obviously this wasn't the only thing wrong in their marriage, but it contributed to their divorce.
So...if you had a baby right now and your husband wasn't into it...WWYD?
Re: WWYD if your husband was a crappy dad?
DH and I would have a serious talk. If that didn't help then counseling would be next. I just can't imagine though. Sorry your friend is going through all that.
I will admit that I do most of the work with M especially in the begining since I bf'd. But as she has gotten older DH has been more involved.
I think telling your husband what you need from them is key. I'm sure a lot of dads don't really know what to do--because the mother takes over and sees the child as her responsibility.
I've always let Tyler know what I need from him--and after a few days he just did whatever needed to be done without having to be nagged on. Being a father came very naturally to him though. All of my neighbors comment on how good he is with B.
Now if I can just get him to be more patient with him...Argh...
DH has this problem also. I have to remind him that she is only 18 months and does not understand yet. And that you have to physically get up from the couch and move her away from what she's doing instead of yelling at her. I does get me really upset that he will yell at her.
This has been something that we constantly argue about. Well...it's mainly me getting mad him for doing it and then him saying he's sorry and he will work on it.
In the situation you described, I'd leave my DC with DH alone often so he could figure out the day to day of what needs done. I'd also directly tell him the more planned things (e.g., "I need you to pick up DC M-T-W or R-F-Sa this week. Which do you prefer?")
Aside from talking to him about it, which seems like the obvious answer, I would spend more time working on myself as a mother and wife. It's impossible to change someone by nagging them about it. You just have to spend your energy on making yourself a better mom and wife.
What an awful situation
She should work on herself, since you can't change others, but if they are already in divorce proceedings...now just time to work on herself to be better for her and the baby...just to help with the pain of a divorce.
She does need to communicate with him, they will be sharing custody I assume. My DH really wasn't a great dad at all to my stepkids, which has lead them to not behave, be spoiled, etc. But with some pointers he really came through. I think he just didn't know how to discipline, but wow what a difference now. Granted, if we could enforce that on their mother it would be great! And really help us.
Just be a supportive ear/shoulder for her!
H wasn't over-excited or helpful with the kids at first. I think he was just afraid to break them and he wasn't sure what to do. I would find myself correcting him orf watching him with an eagle eye at first and had to realize that he loved the baby just as much as I did (almost
) and just becuase he did something a little different didn't make it wrong.
Now, he is great with the kids. They are head over heels for eachother and I love to see them interact.
When JJ was first born, H wasn't that big of a help, either. I think I didn't do a good enough job communicating to him what needed to be done. Just when we got to a solid balance point, H shipped out - so I know we'll have some work to do when he gets back.
I don't think H was overly excited about becoming a dad, but now that he's got JJ and sees how amazing parenting is, he's itching to have more kids. I think having JJ made him grow up a little more, which is great.
I'm learning how to be more patient with JJ, too. I know he's little and doesn't really get everything yet, and I have to remember that. It's gotten a lot better.
If H wasn't ready to handle the responsibilities of a child, then I would make damn sure that we didn't have one.
However, I know that if/when we do have one, I will have to communicate to H exactly what needs to be done, as he is not always intuitive about chore-type things. For example, if I scoop litter boxes, and they need fresh litter, I have to ask him to do it (so it's 50/50) or else he just sees lids off boxes and thinks, "Oh, those need fresh litter" and not make the connection that he should be the one to do that!