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I want to hear about your experience with toxic relationships and when you drew the line.
Dh and I are expecting our first child this December and I think its prompted me to do a bit more thinking and reflection on the current friendships and relationships we have.
I have a few "life long" friends, people who I've known for many many years. One of my friends has been in crisis mode for the past 3 years. It seems like I have been giving moral support and trying to boost her spirits since it all began. After three years its just become draining... I feel like our friendship is one way at times. Another one of my life long friends also seems stuck, he got divorced several years ago and has become somewhat self destructive. He fishes for attention in very immature ways, texting about how hes "really drunk and going to drive home now" or how his blood sugar is in the 300s but hes gonna finish up his six pack. (I've told him that I think its disgusting he drives drunk and that if I knew he was doing it I would call the police.) DH and I refuse to pick him up when hes drunk because of some pretty immature behavior the one time we had to.
Anyways, its not as difficult in the second situation to put my foot down, but with my girlfriend I'm having trouble drawing the line. I want to hear your experiences on when you knew to draw the line in a friendship. When someone elses constant depression or crisis got to be too much, and how you handled it... were you able to save the friendship?
Re: I want to hear about your experience with toxic relationships and when you drew the line.
Well, let me just say, if you are hoping to "save" a friendship from toxicity you have to know, that it is not possible from only your end. It isn't always possible if both of you are trying.
Let me give you some examples of toxic people and how I have dealt with them:
My SIL is like an enemy to me. We are always on different sides of everything. And if you don't agree with her, she will insult you into a fight. That is very toxic, but when she got engaged to my BIL she said "Let bygones be bygones." So I forgave her for everything, and we started fresh, she even invited my husband over to their house for a nice weekend. We had to leave, very sourly, after only spending less than 24 hours there because they were the same rude, insulting, argumentative, prideful people. We have not spoken a word to each other since that day, even though we have been to many family events together. We simply cannot talk to each other without resentment or anger becoming apparent.
My H has a friend that is just the most fowl mouth, woman hating, hypocrite in our community. We knock head more often than not but after I say my piece I let go of all of the resentment, and let him be. Although he does not let go of the resentment, he has to deal with it because I am with his best friend, and I am usually connected to whoever he is dating, wanting to date or other people he wants to talk to. I don't think there will ever be a time that we see each other, have a plenty conversation, and leave a thank you note for the pleasant evening. But as long as my friends want to hang out with him, and my H is his best friend, I will invite him, talk to him and hang out with him, because he is a necessary evil for my social life. And anytime I draw the line, and he has crossed it, I just don't talk to him until I am have dealt with my issues with it, and I let go.
Lastly, I have a friend which is beyond co-dependent. All of her friends are strong, bossy, and needy people, including me.
With that said those relationship strain everything in her life. I have watched her health go down, go into debt, her lose jobs and friends all over her co-dependence. She never had time for herself, she was always getting diapers from her niece or going to fix her dad's car, or spending over four hours coaxing her depressed single friend off the edge. She would end up with five hours of sleep a night, working two full time jobs with no extra cash to spare to support her family, and babysitting/cleaning in her spare time. When she does finally find a day once or twice every three months to go see friends, she has to come late, because of something, and leave early because of something. One night, after she canceled plans for the fifth time in a row, I had a heart to heart with her about how this lifestyle was killing her and she wasn't even having fun doing it. She knew I was right so she started to change it. She has one job now, she hangs out with her friends on the weekends, and she even had enough time to get a boyfriend that she didn't have to neglect all the time. She still has so far to go but we are both honest about it, and we respect the others feelings about it now.
As you can see, I have both try and it fails, one tries and it kinda works, and both try and it works well. Does that help?
Well it seems like you have tried your very best to save these friendships. Why do you want to keep trying if these people, for the most part, just bring negativity into your life?
Now that you are having a child, you don't need people like that around you or your baby. You tried your best, you've helped them all you could, and it seems you are the only one trying. It's not worth it.
Your family and the true friends you do have should be your priority.
I had a friend who needed constant "mothering." I felt sorry for her b/c her mom had passed a few years earlier, and I suspect that is why she acted the way she did. Many other friends also took the role of mothering her.
The other friends married and had kids, and became aborbed in their own families (a healthy choice for them), and my friend couldn't cope. When I got married and had a baby right away, she often pressed me to do things I had done when we were single (visit her, even though it was a long flight, etc.).
I didn't cut ties with her - we are still friends - but we are no longer as close. She needed to build friendships with people who were closer to her. I think they are less of "mother" figures than friend figures - so all in all it is healthy for her.
I don't feel guilty for the way things turned out, and now that my kids are getting older / more independant, I may be able to see her more, but I think it will be a healthier relationship b/c I stepped back, which forced HER to be more independant, and I took care of my life and family first, so I am in no way resentful of her.
I had a friend who was very close who was only calling me when she had relationship issues (which was all the time) and she had a very skewed and unhealthy relationship w/ her (now) husband/men in general. I drew the line when she skipped out on my wedding and didn't even call to tell me she wasn't coming. It was over some money/husband crisis..... anyway - I realized then that I was constantly being there for her and giving advice, mental energy, and moral support and it was all just a big part of her drama. She didn't want her life to get better she just wanted to spiral out of control. When she skipped my wedding I realized just how one sided the friendship truly was. She couldn't be there for me on the biggest day of my life - yet expected me to drop everything every time she was upset and be on the phone for 2 hours.
I didn't have to cut her out, honestly - I just stopped having the time to dwell on her problems and since that was what she wanted from me, she moved on all by herself. She just needs friends who listen to her complain. Once I stopped doing that she stopped calling me.
I only have so many hours in the day -- that's how I look at it. If someone's draining my energy with their crises and is basically treating me like a free therapist, I step back.
Some friendships just run their course. You can try to maintain the friendship on your terms, but if your friend isn't willing to accept your reduced role in her support system, you're going to have to accept that.
My very close circle of friends is like family to me - I'd drop anything or do anything for them.
This was all fine and dandy while we were in college, but then after college I started to realize that they were "unloading" on me. I had the time and energy but not the money. I kept these friends anyway because I thought it was the good friend thing to do.
Then, some years later, my life fell apart. I was back in school, Dh went through two layoffs in two years and a major debilitating back condition all of this while we were planning a wedding/shortly after we got married. Only one of them made an effort to check in with me frequently. The others made repeted demands on me either emotionally one "But I just need this to be about MEEEEEE" or physically "You have to do this _____ for me". This is when I didn't have time, energy or money. I started to say no.
Maybe it was because I saw the wedding as the start of the rest of my life or maybe I finally got fed up with being treated like crap, I don't know. I realized that no matter what I did or how good of a friend I was to them, they weren't reciprocating back to me. It wasn't about tit for tat, rather I was going through the toughest time in my life, and they weren't there for me. at.all.
I decided to let them go. I am still friends one with them on facebook and I will send all of them a Christmas card, but that is about it. For me, I am so much happier now because they aren't draining me emotionally or physically. Was it hard? Yes. I debated for months and months and months. The only thing that DH would say is that he would support me in any decision I would make.
I wish you the best of luck in your decision.
I had always thought I was blessed with a normal MIL. But it turns out, my very small amount of contact had saved me from her "best".
DH, DD (19mo) and I flew cross the ocean to visit with her for DH's father's family reunion (FIL is dead, but the extended family still has a reunion that MIL, who was divorced for 20+ years, still goes to).
MIL started with her very passive agressive comments almost from the minute we walked into the door. Now, I put up with most of them because I was shocked at first, because she was always so warm to me. I just chalked it up to menopause or something.
But at the reunion...she crossed the line. We got to a BBQ and there were tons of kids and dogs around. DD was way to distracted to eat outside, so I brought her in (DH came inside for a bit of this) to eat. She ate pasta salad, tomatoes and 1/2 of a large hotdog - a GOOD amount of food for a 19mo.
We go outside, where MIL proceeds to ask me if I have fed her yet. For teh first 2 times she asked, I nicely told her that she had already eaten and was fine. Then the first time she tried to force feed DD (and got frustrated when my very independent child wriggled her way out of Gammy's grasp) I nicely reminded her that she was probably full.
Then I just started to ignore her comments. Until the final straw. DD was getting cranky because it was 2 hours past her bedtime and 8 hours since her nap.
I said something to the effect that DD was crankypants because she was tired.
Infront of EVERYONE, my MIL loudly proclaimed "Are you sure its not because she is starving?"
NO ONE DISPARAGES MY PARENTING SKILLS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!.
I calmly, firmly and loudly replied something to the effect "MIL are you implying that I either neglected or purposefully starved my DD?"
She hemmed and hawed and said something about how she didn't think I fed her.
I replied "MIL, I know that I told you at least 3 times that I had already fed DD."
At this point, DH stepped in and disfussed the situation for his extended family's sake. But then took his mother to task when we got back to the hotel.
I do not believe that you should allow anyone to be directly rude or be libelous about you to other people - even family or inlaws. By not calmly standing up for yourself, you are tacitly giving them approval to continue - even if you have your DH/DW/etc try to interceed.
And I will not remain with someone who would not allow me to defend myself.
About 10 years ago my best friend worked with a girl much younger than us. She started coming out with us to parties & stuff with our friends on a regular basis, but she was actually pretty fun to be around so I didn't mind her hanging out with us. But all of a sudden BFF decided that this kid was too needy and if she didn't sever the ties she'd end up becoming the girl's "mother," and started avoiding her more often than not. I wasn't sure what had happened, other than the girl had come out of the closet and began a LDR with a girl out of state and BFF was tired of hearing about all aspects of their relationship.
It was then that I knew what BFF was talking about, because the girl then latched on to me. She lived on her own yet quit her job so she could take trips to see OOS GF and couldn't pay her bills. She asked me to pet-sit for a weekend then would decide to stay a week. She asked me to be a reference when she bought a new phone (F that!). She'd ask me for money (F that, too). And she'd CONSTANTLY cry to me about her relationship with OOS GF, the fights they'd have, the verbal abuse from GF, and how GF cheated on her with a guy. I couldn't listen to it anymore. I told her she needs to dump the abusive biittch, then suck it up and move back home until she found a job and caught up with finances. I also told her I was not a therapist and that I couldn't deal with her problems and finances when I had my own to deal with. Eventually I just had to stop taking her calls and she finally got the picture. Then I turned around and sarcastically thanked BFF for dumping her on me.
I can actually look at this from both sides.
I have been that needy friend. And looking back, I was probably very demanding and very disrespectful of my friend's time and family, and didn't consider how what I was doing (calling her relentlessly, IM'ing her all the time, texting her, etc) was affecting her life. The friendship was formed when things were good for both of us, and when things started to change for me, she was there for me, completely and totally. But at some point, it became too much for her and she asked me to back off. I didn't, and eventually things hit the fan. I'm still not sure where we are right now (she's my friend on FB, but I have a feeling she's blocked me 'cause all I see from her are "she's friended this and that person/she's changed her profile pic" kind of messages) but for the past few months, I've been at peace with whatever she decides. Yes, I'd love to maintain contact with her (to a smaller degree), but it's her call right now. And I respect that, something that I didn't do before.
I have also had that needy friend. She was a very large girl who was always complaining about body aches, knee issues, diet and health related stuff, and the fact that she couldn't find a man to be with. At some point, all my suggestions about joining Weight Watchers, a gym, going for a walk, etc just became pointless as she wasn't listening to me anyway and clearly wasn't doing anything, and I stopped returning her calls. I got a few hang-ups, a few "hate mails" in my email and she finally disappeared. I worry about her at times, but I know that I'm better off without playing the part of a broken record. I can see her POV and her need (see above paragraph) but just like my other friend, I feel that I have to look out for me first.
Never noticed the parallels in those situations before. Thanks for bringing them to the forefront.
Typing this out was a very good learning experience for me.
Only one friendship ended after I got engaged - that being the OOS friend mentioned above. She wasn't happy that I wasn't continuing to live like a single girl, couldn't stand my DH (nor did he like her at all) and was upset that I chose him over the clubs and the trips and the gallivanting. I always tried making alternate plans with her when she came to town but since they never included alcohol or staying out all night she shot them all down. It all came to a head when she was in town for her birthday & I couldn't make it out to watch the M game at the bar w/ her & her other friends because we had to help my BIL/SIL move (which that didn't even happen but I ended up spending that entire day with BFF and her family at her grandma's funeral) and she decided we couldn't be friends anymore. It was too bad - she was a fun person but I also saw her true colors when she had her tantrum about how she should have come before my DH because I knew her longer (really???). I guess it was a good thing she ended it before I had to, because I also hate confrontation.
Since I used to be involved in theatre, a lot of my friends were, well, drama queens. I won't pretend I never am one, but not to the extent that two of my best friends were.
The first was my best friend from theatre school. We were incredibly close. Too close. After graduation we lived in different states, and yet I was still her go-to gal whenever her life was falling apart. Which was every other week. And always because of a guy. When I told her what she wanted to hear, I felt like a bad friend, because I wasn't being honest with her. When I was honest with her, no matter how tactfully I tried to do it (usually telling her things like "you need to focus on loving yourself and not some guy if you want to be happy" or "I hate to say this, but it sounds like you're rushing into things again"), she would fly off the handle and try to "punish me" by not speaking to me for months at a time. Then she'd have another crisis and suddenly she was calling again.
After awhile it seemed like all we were doing was fighting. So I ended it. I told her I loved her but I could not deal with our toxic friendship and had to let go. She, in turn, told everyone she knew that I was a horrible, snobby person and that I'd said I hated her.
Well, when I got married two years later, she heard about it from a mutual friend, and wrote me a short, bitter email: "Hope you don't get divorced." I didn't want to get into it, so I sent her an equally brief email: "Thanks, me too." With a smiley face. Just a couple of months ago (three whole years after I ended the friendship) she sent me a much longer email to let me know how angry she was that she wasn't invited to the wedding. A year after I got married, she was still dwelling on it! So I wrote back, reiterated all the reasons I had ended the friendship and that inviting her to the wedding would have been inviting that toxic friendship back into my life, told her I loved her and I hoped she was well, but that I would never, ever again respond to an angry email from her, so please move on and let it go. She agreed to do so, though somewhat peevishly.
My other friend was also a drama queen. We actually had a pretty reciprocal friendship and were both there for one another (though I did spend probably more than my fair share of hours on the phone with her trying to calm her down and convince her not to hurt herself). But I began to see, after awhile, that while she was a very good friend to her friends, she was pretty much a total b**** to everyone else. And if I didn't stand behind her when she was screaming at or insulting someone else, she'd give me the silent treatment (always the drama queens and the silent treatment. Sigh).
When I met my husband, I started spending much more time with him and much less time with her. We just kind of stopped contacting one another. She never came out and said she resented it, but I know she did. She did turn down the invitation to our wedding after all (though a month before our wedding she called, once more, about some drama with her roommate... "I don't know who else to talk to.") I still occasionally post a note to her Facebook wall or text her to say hi and I hope all is well. She usually doesn't write back. But I'm okay with that!
Sometimes, especially when you have a new family to focus on, it's just better to let the old toxic friendships die. Most of the friends I spend time with now, outside of my family, are women who, like me, are married with young kids. They share my values. We rejoice in one anothers' joys and sympathize with one anothers' sorrows. We give each other suggestions for recipes and parenting tips. My life has changed and my friends are the ones who understand and embrace that change. I feel pretty darn lucky for it!
Its hard to make that decision about ending a friendship. You have to evaluate your friendship with them. If they aren't that important, then forget them. Never allow them to be your priority, and only be their option.
Until recently, I realized that I unconsciously played the victim card all the time, and sometimes I would say this person did this to me, and they did that to me. I feel the reason why is because I don't have much of a backbone, so when someone does something to me, the only way to escape it is by talking about it, because I can't handle the situation myself right then and there. To them, they probably just thought I was always negative. I am a bubbly ditzy blonde that says whatever comes to mind. I wouldn't ever offend anyone, not even if the deserve it. Now, I have lost my closest friends that I grew up with, and my friends from college never really talk to me anymore. I feel they got tired of always hearing that. So I only have my husband to confide in. I feel like people at work think I complain all the time and everything else, even though I never looked at it as complaining, it was just me letting it out. I feel so alone, and I don't have anywhere to turn. I've tried reaching out to old friends but they've moved on and our too busy, and I've tried hanging out with new people from work, and such, but it isn't the same as to what I had. I feel like people just think I am crazy, and I make stuff up, but I don't know. I don't know if my friends just got tired of it, and started blowing me off, but if I would have known I was like this years ago, it would have saved me from a lot of heartache. I would have rather had someone be straight forward about the situation, then to sit there and think that people don't like me, people don't want to be around me, and all the other hundred crazy things that go through my head.
Now, I have to work with what damage I built at work, and so I just try to stick to myself, and work on only saying positive things..I have to be careful because I feel I am borderline depressed. I refuse to go into depression again, I'm stronger then that, but there are days, that I'd feel more comfortable living in a cave then being in this crazy mad world. I wish my friends never just dumped me, because that was the worse thing for me to try to deal with in my life. Just make sure this person doesn't need you, and that leaving them isn't going to damage them any further. Because leaving them, would make me wander what kind of friend you are? Thats what said about my friends, that they were selfish, and weren't really a friend to begin with...
Hope this helps
so true...I agree!! well said! I am trying to distance myself from peoples "issues" and suggesting they see a therapist, bc honestly - I am not as qualified as a therapist to give advise and suggestions. I have to separate myself bc I don't have the time for it anymore!
"Just make sure this person doesn't need you, and that leaving them isn't going to damage them any further. Because leaving them, would make me wander what kind of friend you are?"
A friend who knows when it's time to let go, for her own sanity, is a strong person who is true to herself. Not a selfish friend. Good friends aren't there for others to cling to and suck dry in their own need. Good friends are there for you to share life with. If there is no real sharing, it isn't a real friendship to begin with.
I've been through several girlfriends over the last few years that take me for everything I'm willing to give and never return the favor. Unfortunately finding sane and solid girlfriends seems to be such a challenge. I don't know where those girls hang out.. but it must be quite the place. I'm a very athletic and activities orientated person but I never seem to meet normal people. Or perhaps when I do, I come off desperate for a good friend I set off a "nutcase" radar lol.
The Problem and the signs:
Anyways In line with the topic of what to do, I've had two friends recently that I have been trying to cut it off with. Both of whom are toxic and provide more drama then the entire Gossip Girl series. It started to take such a toll on my personal and work life.. When all of a sudden I realized they needed me not I needed them. For a test I stopped calling them with my problems, because they never listened. And took notice of times and reasons for their phone calls and when they wanted to hang out. And how often they would bail on me. I quickly realized that these ladies were leaches and only called me when they had a problem and only hung out when they had an alternative motive. It definitely made me feel like crap to realize I didn?t have any good friends, no one to call for a coffee or movie or for a ladies night out. And feeling that having ANY friends is better than none? while this theory has lasted a few years I?ve finally gotten the nerve to say screw em! I?d rather do things alone then have to drag people out or listen to their drama all the time
The Solution
Stop calling them. Don?t get back to them right away and see how long they stay around. One friend, due to my husbands suggestion (and begging) I completely dropped. Deleted her off facebook and my phone.. she ended up texting me two months later when she probably needed me.. she sent me a nasty text about how could I just delete her (and her friends) off facebook and blah blah.. well I just didn?t respond to the text. If I ever run into her.. I?m just going to say I deleted my account? and changed my new phone number due to an old BF harassing me.. or really stick up for myself.. J The other friend, well she?s still sort of lingering.. I really like her.. but shes not a good friend and such a taker.. my husbands been encouaring me to stop calling and trying to get together with her, and hes been really trying at doing things with me or just encouraging me to do things by myself. And just hope that a new girlfriend will come along. (which they have) Its amazing when you stop putting up with peoples BS and start sticking up for yourself that that?s when you get respect and the girls worth your respect will come along! Being overly nice and understanding really doesn?t get you anywhere.. At the end of the day its you and your family first, anyone who makes you feel guilty over stupid things and causes you too much drama just isn?t worth it. Life is too short too stay in high school mode when it comes to girls.
Hope this helps!
I've been thinking about doing the journal thing myself. Your valid point only motivates me more to try. My husband and I usually go hiking a lot, or we walk alot with the dogs in the evenings. But we just got married in July, and we moved, and well you know life gets in the way. We actually haven't been hiking at all this summer. Everytime we try to commit to it, there is something that comes up. Totally not fair, but we set ourselves this Sunday to go out of town and go hiking all day. Hopefully, doing something for once that I enjoy, will be the mental relief I need. However, I think I need to pick up something else myself, that I can do aside from him to do for me! Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for your comment, its means a lot!
Thank you!
Hello, very similar thing happened with my friend. I hadnt know her too long and should have seen the warning signs (constant bitching about other people, constant negativity and despair etc) but at first, I thought she was just going through a rough patch. She was single and in her mid 20s and still sleeping with just about any hot pair of pecs that gave her attention.
I tried having a few chats with her, especially after one incident where I found out she was sleeping with a real loser and I warned her that he was not 100% there. On her birthday, he was rude, insulted me, spilled red wine all over her newly renovated floor by a mutual friend who was there and she didnt make any efforts to wipe it up. So I did as our friend looked hurt. The 'Loser' in question hurled abuse at me... So I quietly slipped away and left the party. The next day she was abusive towards me and said I had ruined the party.. Perhaps I just value my furniture because my hubby and I work HARD and it's expensive. We also know how much effort it takes to decorate. Several months later, the 'loser' I had a hunch about was arrested for sexually assaulting his girlfriend, getting violent during the assault and forcing her to drink GHB... nice.
There were many other incidents, and call me snooty / whatever but I decided that now I am married I just dont need this girl in my life. She went onto date a friend of mine who she treated like crap and would call me to vent all the time. I told her to stop it repeatedly. I guess I felt sorry for her as her parents died when she was only 16 and she's all alone in the world. Then she began cheating on him... MY friend...
I cut her off. I have written her an email explaining why, but I havent yet sent it. Cowardly? Maybe but I'm not even interested in what she has to say anymore. My life has changed now and I need positive, supportive (friendship is a 2 way thing) people in my life, not people I dread seeing.
Make a list of all your friends and shorten it where you need to. Would you tolerate this behaviour from a partner? No. You would dump him.
Good luck!
My sister uses a great/somewhat cheesy metaphor about life and the people in it, but I think it is a good policy:
You are on center stage in your own life. You have your immediate support group cheering you on from the wings and the front row. Then you have those friends and acquaintances that are a few rows back, but still there for you. Then, you have people who are still in your life, whom you keep at arm's length (the last rows of the theater.) Finally, you have the people who you just don't need in the theater at all, who fall under the "toxic" category.
I've never been someone who creates or participates in drama unless I absolutely don't have a choice. I pride myself on being a good friend and live by the notion that "My family are my friends and my friends are my family." My small group high school girlfriends and I have been exceptionally close for 11 years. However, one of those girls inexplicably turned on me in the past year, and I have since become her punching bag.
Initially, I tried to smooth things over, until--after a year of constant criticism of me to our mutual friends on her part--I realized that it just wasn't healthy for me to hold on to. She didn't come to my wedding, claiming that my wedding would be "perfect whether or not I was there." That was the final straw for me. I wish her the best, but she is definitely not in my "theater" anymore.
I think that the friendships women have with each other is a really remarkable thing with ups and downs, tears and laughter, joys and heartaches. However, if anyone in your life doesn't wish you well, isn't happy for your successes, or isn't a shoulder for you to lean on, it's time to re-evaluate your investment in the friendship. For me, I found that my anger and bitterness towards her was starting to consume me. I've decided that life is too short to feel that way towards someone. I wish her the best in life, but am so much happier without trying to "make it work" all the time, if I may quote Tim Gunn.
Best of luck to you!
My friend since the 4th grade is definitely a "toxic" person. Our friendship has always been a little one sided. Our conversations are always about her, her, her. I understand that when you have a lot going on in your life it can be overwhelming but an occasional "hey, what's going on in your life?" is nice. During high school she would basically forget about me for months at a time because she found someone "cooler" to hang out with. There's more examples but i'll keep it short. Now, she's been together with an abusive alcoholic drug addict for about 5 years and I hate him. He's scum. She's also an alcoholic with terribly low self-esteem. But 3 years ago I was nice enough to allow her to bring him to our wedding (or he wouldn't let her go!). Last year she calls me for my birthday, and of course we talk all about her and her boyfriend, and she finally mentions why he was in jail for like 5 years or so before she met him. Turns out he's a child molester! Yes, that's right! And she knew this the entire time she was with him! And she suspected that it might have been his own daughter! I had to end it now. I was so angry that she could be with someone like that. The thing that I was most angry about was the fact that this man was at my wedding where our nieces and nephews were!!
P.S.- She is still with him as far as I know. I doubt she'll ever leave him.
Lestes09,
From the posts that I've read from you, I understand that you've been through some really hard times and were REALLY hurt when your friends dumped you. I agree with you that they should have taken the time to talk to you about how hard it is to have a friend being constantly negative since you didn't recognize that. I only halfway agree with what you said about us having different definitions of friends. I don't believe that not being able to handle a toxic friendship means you are weak-I think it means that at a certain point you have to realize that you aren't doing anything but enabling harmful behavior in your friend, and/or recognizing that for all of the effort that you've put into the friendship, you aren't doing any good and are actually hurting other relationships in your life (such as not spending time with DH because you're on the phone with your friend all night every night) and you come to the realization that you aren't living a healthy lifestyle and you aren't helping your friend. In your case, where you said you just needed to vent to someone and you were okay, I think that's different. My husband gets to listen to me vent all the time, but at the end I say "Sorry-I just needed to get that out. I feel much better now" and he realizes that that's all I needed, and we can move on to talk about different subjects or go do something.
On a more general note:
When I moved here, I became friends with 2 people who were dating-K now one of my best friends) and T. We did a lot together. I started dating and am now married to K's nephew (1 year younger than her). K started to feel unhappy with their relationship and broke up with T. DH and I felt awful because we were best friends with both of them and thought they were really happy. After they broke up, I spent literally HOURS every night talking to Tyler about how unhappy he was and how he didn't understand what she was doing and how he knew she loved him, etc. At the same time I was working full-time, starting grad school and trying to find time to spend with DH. Right when I'd get off the phone with him, he'd call DH and talk for another while. At the same time, I was talking to K trying to discern how she felt about everything, telling her what T was saying, etc. After about a month they got back together and K broke it off again permanently after about a month. T started doing what he'd done the first time but after a few months he started saying horrible things about her (out of anger-none of which were true), posting really embarrassing tidbits on facebook, etc. and justified it because "nobody would know who it was referring to" which wasn't true because we all know about 50 of the same people that we associate with frequently (a singles church group) which consequently also ruined her chances of getting any dates in said group. After several long months and having said everything many times over, I finally decided to be honest with him. I felt like I'd been walking on eggshells around him and hated that. I told him that what he was saying about K and doing to her was humiliating and hurtful and that I was concerned that he was going a bit off the deep end. He went absolutely crazy and told me that I am the worst friend there could be-not even a friend and said some really hurtful things to me and to others. I apologized profusely but began to realize that he was manipulative and emotionally abusive. I talked about this with K and she said that was a huge reason why she broke it off with him. He'd been trying to get us to manipulate her back into the relationship! I never said anything to him about it after that, but apparently he's decided that I'm not worth keeping as a friend because he hardly keeps in touch anymore. Fine with me! K is dating somebody else now who treats her great and she's much happier. He was still a groomsman in our wedding but it took him a long time to decide-I think he did it for DH. DH and I relish our time not spent on the phone all the time listening the same thing over and over for hours and I don't mind one bit that he thinks I'm a terrible friend.
I had a bestfiend from high school...we graduated in 2004...and was always there for her. She would call me crying and needing someone to talk to when she would get in to it with her boyfriend or when the exboyfriend would get a new girlfriend. i felt like i was always trying to be there for her and make her life easier. when i got married she was my maid of honor and complained about having to spend any money at all (she lives at home with her parents and has NO bills). when she got a new boyfriend she would quit calling and never go out with the rest of us. then when they would break up...who did she call, yep me and trying to be the best friend would help her get through it.
Once i got prego my bestfriend slowly disappeared. she quit calling and asking me to do anything. i believe it was due to the fact that i couldnt go out and drink all the time anymore. she started to hang out with another girl and would go out with her all the time and post pics to facebook and talk about what a good friend this other girl was and how much fun they had all the time. when i was about 6 months preg she planned a girls trip to cancun for right after my due date and didnt invite me (not that i would go but an invite would have been nice) then she planned a canoe trip for the weekend of my due date!! not kidding! then when i confronted her about it she said "dana this baby is important to you and your husband not necessarly important to everyone else." DONE! that was the last straw and things have been very different from that moment on!
My life is now less stressful. I dont have to try to be anyones friend. the friends i have are great and want to be there for me and my family. all i can say is there is one phrase that my mother said that has stuck true
"once your married and start having babies your friends will change"
they do and its for the better, embrase the friends that dont make your life full of drama!