Cleaning & Organizing
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
DH won't help!
H and I have been married just over a month; a week before our wedding I got laid off at work. (I'm a nurse for crying out loud!) After a few weeks of filling out job application after job application, I've finally landed a position at a local hospital and will be starting work very soon. But since I have been the only one home 24/7, I have been the one doing ALL of the house work (he won't hardly put his dirty clothes in the hamper or his dirty dish in the sink... its not rocket science). I'm sure he's going to continue this crap even after I start back to work... and I am NOT going to work 40-50+ hours/week AND do all the housework.
Any tips on how to get him to help without having a knockdown-drag out argument?!
Re: DH won't help!
I tell DH what needs to be done, and try to give him a specific time-frame to do it in, and make sure that he knows I'm working as well, as in, "DH, can you clean the kitchen counters and mop the floor while I take care of scrubbing the bathroom?" Once he does it, I let him know that I appreciate it.
He's much better about noticing when things need to be done and when I've done something than he used to be.
What kinds of conversations have you had about division of labor at home or what living together would be like before you got married? I'm guessing from your age that maybe you are both 22ish, lived at home, then lived at college, and maybe never lived on your own before, or not for an extended period of time?
Some of this takes time to figure out -- especially as newlyweds, but it takes conversations, not knockdown-drag out arguments. You guys have only been married for a month, and will have lots of issues in your future you may not see eye to eye on that just need to be discussed.
Good luck!
I am 22; he is 21, still in college and works part-time. We lived together about a month prior to getting married, but our separate home lives with our families were pretty different. I had to be self-sufficient and do my own laundry, clean up after myself, I worked and bought my own food and paid my own bills. He worked, but for play money (his parents paid his bills and gas); his mom cleaned his room every Saturday and picked up after him daily. I knew this would be a problem from day one.
We don't have knockdown-drag out arguments; I'm just saying I don't want to get to that point. But he is far from the conversational type. It is almost like pulling teeth to get him to talk about anything "serious." Discussions we have had about chores/house work include what he expects of me/what I expect of him and pretty much just common courtesy.
Prior to being laid off, I would come home and he would have the dishes done and maybe have done a load of laundry, I wouldn't have to pick up his dishes or pop cans/bottles. Since I have been home, its like he thinks I am there to be his personal maid. (I haven't had all the free time in the world though- I have had to volunteer work hours to get my nursing license, I have babysat and in the past couple weeks have had several job interviews.)
All I ask of him (even when I go back to work) include- putting his dirty clothes in the hamper instead of leaving them all over the house in the floor; putting his dirty dishes in the sink instead of leaving dishes on the table or glasses on the nightstand; take the trash to the trash bin; and pick up his messes- ex. he will leave his school notes scattered about the living room floor and doesn't want me to "mess them up." I will, in turn, do the laundry, dishes, cook and clean/vaccuum. Its just not possible for me to do *everything* when I go back to work (I start Oct. 4th), because I will be working about 60 hours a week, on night shift and likely 16 hour shifts at a time.
My DH had a similar homelife to your H. His mom was a SAHM. She did everything around the house, while his dad handled everything that needed done outside. His mom would have their breakfast ready before school and dinner on the table at 6pm every evening. She did their laundry, cleaned their rooms, and picked up after them. DH was in the army and spent a year in Iraq, so I know he's perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He lived in apartments for a few years in college and managed. Since we moved in together, he has started to rely more on me to do the housework. I've made it clear to him that expecting me to do everything around the house while working full-time and going to grad school full-time is not realistic. I ask him to help me with different tasks around the house. For example, I know he won't wash the dishes, but he will do laundry. He'll also vacuum. I always ask if he can do at least 1 load of laundry and vacuum on his days off. This usually isn't a problem.
I would sit down with your H and just explain to him that you will not be able to do everything on your own. Explain that you understand his schooling and PT job will take up some of his time, but you still expect him to help out. Maybe work out specific things he can do to help out. That way he knows exactly what is expected of him.
I do the laundry - I'm picky - but I only wash what is in the hamper.
After his clothes layed around for a while and I didn't pick it up and they didn't washed, he got the hint.
I've done the same with dishes and cans he leaves out. I just don't pick up after him. When he runs out of room to put new ones there, he gets the idea.
"I'm not your mother..."
Haha, clea I do the same thing. Currently there are ~3 pairs of jeans, several t-shirts, and two hoodies laying on my husband's side of the bed. I am not touching them! I did laundry yesterday and asked if he had anything he'd like washed.....he said no, so I didn't do it. We have a small washer/dryer so the clothes on the floor will be their own load....if they ever make it into the hamper! :-)
To PP, my sister gave me this advice. Don't ever say, "Can you do xxx FOR ME?" Because he's not doing it FOR YOU, he's doing it b/c it's his house too, you are a team, and you work together to make your house nice.
Clea-- I've been leaving his things laying, instead of picking them up... I thought he was getting the hint! He DID pick them up and put them in a tote for me to take them down to the washer. I guess that's a baby step!!
JLSimon-- Your sister has a pretty good perspective! Great point... because its not the "womans" job, he lives here too.
I'm just getting so frustrated at the fact that its OK with him that his crap is everywhere. He was wanting to invite some friends over this past weekend, and I was like- NO, this place is a wreck! His school notes are still scattered all over the living room floor, there are two Pepsi cans on the end table, and an uncapped Mtn. Dew bottle sitting here by the computer. My goal for this week is to have this place clean, top to bottom before I start back to work next week... It MAY be the death of me.
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Hooboy, have I ever been there! The thing that finally worked was when he found me in tears over it, to be quite honest. In his head he understood that we were both making the messes and both working, but because of his upbringing it just wasn't getting through. When he found me in tears, I told him that he had to make a decision - either we could sell this house and move into a smaller one, and I'd be a stay at home wife who would cook and clean and take care of the house, or he needed to step up and do his share because with him doing nothing I was basically doing two full time jobs. I think I may have thrown an "I'm not your mother" in there too
but that was really more about how his mom didn't work outside the home. Her job was to be a stay at home mom and take care of everything, and if that's what he wanted from me that was fine but I couldn't do both. He realized how upset I was and he's stepped up.
He also shared some great wisdom with me - he, and many men, just don't notice when things need to be done unless it's really bad. For instance, he stepped over a laundry basket full of clothes for THREE DAYS before I mentioned it. His response? "What laundry basket?" So now I tell him what needs to be done and when - "I put clean clothes on your side of the bed, please put them away before we go to bed" or "The bathroom needs to be cleaned before dinner" etc. It does help.
The big thing is you have to communicate with him. Do not expect that it will happen by magic. He's not a mind reader, you have to tell him directly what you need.