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What to do when politics go too far with your friends?
I know I've mentioned on here that one of my friends is about as conservative as they come (If you remember--as a joke, H and I gave him an Obama 08, plus another gift for his 30th a few months ago...and he got a kick out of it, complete with a photo of him flicking it off)
Even though we often joke and discuss in person, we've always tried to keep it respectful. But this year, things have been different and it's really starting to bother me.
At his birthday party, with most of his conservative friends, my friend went off on gay marriage and how evil it was and then looks right at me and goes, "Well, YOU support gay marriage," and it was like one of those moments in a movie, where everyone just shuts up and swivels their head and stares at someone like they've grown a second head. It was awkward and H and I just smiled and said our rehearsed line of the night..."This is a party, let's have fun. We don't want to talk politics." It didn't work and they all just went on and on about the evils of gay marriage while I excused myself to go get something to drink. sigh.
Since then, my friend has flooded my inbox with political links, articles and posts--all from conservative sites. I respectfully asked him to please stop and to respect that I've made up my mind on major issues and I'm not going to change. I also told him I respect his POV and have never sent him posts from liberal sites. He said okay, okay, I'll stop...but he hasn't.
Most of the time, I just delete but in the last few weeks, (coincidentally as McCain has dropped in the polls), the emails from him have gotten far more ugly. Complete with terrorist references, infanticide comments and the like.
Today was the straw that broke the camel's back for me...the subject was simply, "YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR VOTING FOR THAT COMMUNIST!" and it had a link.
Honestly, it just got to me. I have never in my life used politics as a tool to tell anyone they should be ashamed of themselves, let alone have I said that to a friend I have known and loved for 15 years.
His email went on to say I am probably breaking my parents' hearts voting for Obama, and that no self-respecting person with a Cuban background should be voting for him, bla bla bla.
I shot him off a terse email saying that AGAIN, I have asked him to stop and that I really felt he was close to crossing a line and taking this politics stuff too personally; that I try to put our lifelong friendship ahead of our political differences and I wish he'd do the same...
His response was "I am not taking this too far. You need to wake up and realize what you're doing."
I just have no idea what to do anymore. I just can't comprehend why it won't stop and why he doesn't seem to respect my feelings. Like I said--we've been friends for 15 years. Since high school. And I've been a good sport with the kidding for a good chunk of that time, but the vitriol lately...I just don't like it.
And I'm not making any headway with him in trying to make that point iwth him...any ideas?
Re: What to do when politics go too far with your friends?
I'd block sender on his emails until Nov. 5th. That's insane that he won't stop sending you those e-mails when you specifically asked him to. My mom's friend was behaving similarly, but she at least had the decency to stop when my mom complained about it.
Hopefully you can resolve it after the election, but I think he owes you a big apology.
my read shelf:
I wouldn't be friends with this person anymore. Not because he's of a different political persuasion than you, but because he's obviously disregarding your very reasonable requests and being more than disrespectful toward you. IMO, it shows that he doesn't value your friendship.
If I was drunk or feeling particularly saucy, I'd send him anti-McCain emails.
That is so tough. I have no idea.
Maybe try one more time to let him know that he's damaging your friendship? After that, if it continues, I would use that delete key and avoid any true contact until a few weeks after the election.
That really sucks.
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I wouldn't be friends with someone like that. I have plenty of conservative friends whom I love dearly. We're respectful of each other, same as we would be with people of similar leanings. Anyone that disrespectful woulnd't have a place in my life.
Especially about the gay marriage thing. If I'd been called out, I would have responded with "that's because I'm not a bigoted assshole"
I'm sorry umwife : (
If I were you I'd send back a short ultimatum type thing that says something like this,
"I know you think Obama is going to destroy the country, but you're destroying our friendship. For someone who thinks he "gets it" you are totally oblivious to how hurtful and annoying you're being. Nothing you send me will change my vote, but it will change my friendship circle. I hope our friendship is stronger than an election."
I was trying to word it in a way that lets him know you get where he's coming from and you understand why he's upset and worried, but also makes it crystal clear that's unacceptable and pointless.
Feel free to add that other conservatives you know (aka me) are ashamed that someone would resort to bullying their friends in order to make a political point.
I don't have a lot of advice, but I just wanted to offer some encouragement. My boss is Cuban (got out just before Castro got power), and she is not voting for McCain. She can't stand him. Her American-born husband is hardcore Republican, though.
Maybe you could send him an email about the meaning of friendship and that true friends don't try to shame each other. Good luck. Hope he stops being an asshat soon.
Thanks, everyone. (And Caden--I am so keeping your message on file. I may have to use it in the coming days after I give us both some breathing room!)
It's really hard for me to explain this friendship to people who don't really know us and the dynamics. A lot of my college friends look at me, look at him and are like, "But HOW can you two co-exist?"
Thing is--we really have known each other since childhood. Our friendship got stronger in HS; he was one of the few people there for my during my parents' divorce and we really regard each other as siblings--down to the disagreements. He's my "crazy uncle" in a way--only he's my age
I am trying to remember if he got this jacked up in 2000 or 2004. Maybe he did, or maybe this election, more than any other, is really getting to him. I'm willing to see if this stops after the election...right now, polls say he'd be on the losing end. He's never had his guy lose...I'm seriously wondering if that's part of this. Who knows anymore...
But I appreciate the advice and the suggestions...thank you. He just really, really got under my skin today!
I would say to send him a logical email, but imo its worthless. His logical side is not active right now. Ignore him, block him, etc. and wait to see him until after Nov.4th. Maybe a ways after. Then, see if his friendship is worth keeping.
Sorry you are going through this!
I like caden's sample script - I'd add that you will be deleting his emails until November 4th and hope that you can remain friends after that time.
I know there's a lot of people here who are very staunch in their beliefs and wouldn't stand for that kind of behavior. You certainly have every right to be hurt and angry about his lack of respect for you. My advice is to remember that elections bring out some scary beasts inside us all (as we've certainly seen on this board), and it's over in less than 3 weeks.
I've told you guys about my anti-gay marriage facebook friend. I really don't understand his POV at all and I've lost a ton of respect for him. But I know nothing I say will ever change his mind, and I'm going to just let him post his daily "yes on 8! Save marriage and our children!" status, roll my eyes, and let his whackadoodleness dig its own grave.
Similarly, my GFIL forwards some wicked nasty right-wing emails. After the "Muslims can't be good Americans" one, I set up a filter for his emails to skip my inbox and be deleted. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to sit politely across from him at the Thanksgiving table, let alone hold a conversation with the man.
Neither of these have gotten to the level of disrespect your friend is showing, obviously, but my point is that political vitriol is one piece of a person, a piece that unfortunately comes out like whoa during election season. Despite his conservative values, you've found plenty to like about him for the last 15 years, and that's all still there.
My uncle, who thinks Obama is literally a one-man sleeper cell and calls him the Manchurian Candidate, seemed to respond to the "for every email I get from you, I'm donating $10 to Obama" approach. So if you add that to deleting them, I bet he'll stop.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse