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Friends separating...any advice? :(
Saturday night my friends and I went out for a girls night for literally the first time EVER. We usually always go out as couples b/c we are all married and met each other as couples. So we casually ask my friend, we'll call her Jane, what her husband was doing and she started acting super weird. We said come on Jane you are being really strange tell us what the big secret is.
She finally tells us that "Jack", her husband, didn't want anyone to know yet, but that they were in the process of a separation. He has moved into his parents' house and she has stayed in their home. The reasons are basically issues that have been going on for a long time that they've tried to keep under wraps, though many of us have noticed some of the things.
My other friend asked her if he changes would they be able to work it out, and she said something that just broke my heart: "The thing is...I just don't miss him. I feel like I can breathe for the first time in months." 
All I want is for her to be happy. I hope they work this out, but if divorcing is what will make her happiest then I will support her of course. I've told her all the standard stuff -- we're here for you, call if you need anything, etc.etc., but is there anything else I can do? I don't want to be too pushy about "helping" if she's really okay, but I don't want her to be alone, either. She has ZERO family here so we're really all she's got.
I've never dealt with anything like this before so any advice for me as her friend, or that you would share with her if she was your friend is appreciated.
Wow, sorry so long- thanks for reading if you did!
Re: Friends separating...any advice? :(
How sad! I've not faced this situation before, but this situation sadly reminds me that although I am still in "newlywed euphoria", there are other couples out there facing the difficult task of ending a marriage - something I'm certain neither one of them ever thought that they would do...
I would just say to do as you did - let her know that you are there for her, and once they go public with the separation, be sure to ask her out to things, and check in on her, which I'm sure you are already doing now...She may seem to be fine now, but I'm sure that once the dust settles, and all is said and done, it will hit her that her marriage is over, and she will probably need you and your friends more than she realizes...what a sad thing for her :-(
That is a shame they are separating, but like you said if she is happier then that's what is important. If you're concerned she's lonely, why not invite her over to your house for dinner on occasion, or to watch a movie/sports, etc. I think an invitation to hang out, and do more girls nights out would be a great idea.
My friend who I recently found out separated needed some help sorting out her finances and because I'm really good at budgeting money I helped her figure out what she needed to try to cut back on and whatnot, and look for a part time job online to help supplement her full time job. That's what my friend needed, however your friend may just need some company.
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The only thing that I can think of for you to do is to try and schedule more girl nights or random calls here and there to check in on her. When I know things are difficult with my parents, I will try to find ways to get my mom out of the house just so she has a break from it all.
I know someone else who is separating currently and for her being kept busy and having company is key. I'm sure everyone needs something different but planning girls nights or just grabbing coffee with her is nice.
My mom's BFF passed away and my mom was food shopping at this little green market in town (this place is the size of a typical living room) and she saw her BFFs husband food shopping and he bought one pork chop and he said to my mom how pathetic and sad am I buying one pork chop so my mom told him to buy two and cook one now and freeze the other....but then she invited him to have dinner at my parents house and he was grateful for the company and not to have to cook for one. I know its a different situation but reaching out is always helpful.
Wow - that's so sad. But what a strange comment from her about "being able to breathe". It sounds like she's better off separated.
But anyway, I had a friend end her engagement last year, and I think the one thing she need the MOST was to have someone listen and validate her feelings (doesn't everyone??) Allow her to spend as much time as she needs talking about it with you - it might be a little, it might be a lot - but let her dictate how much she needs. Keep us posted..
Thanks for the advice, as always. My challenge is going to be finding the happy place in between making sure she knows I'm here and inviting her to do stuff so she's not alone, and being overbearing to the point where she's offended like Margaret mentioned. This is the type of girl who will always try to be strong and do it herself before she asks for help, no matter how many times you tell her that help is readily available!
Gonna be a long road for her but I know she'll get through it, no matter what the end result is. I know that I squeezed DH a little tighter when I got home from our girls' night, though!
They need to try counceling....honestly. They made vows together, and they need to talk it out and remember why they married in the first place.
I have had a friend at work that 1 week got in a big argument with his wife...and the next week they were divorced and seeing other people. .... come on !
they made vows and that should mean something. The only excuse for divorce in my oppinion is physical abuse. Mental abuse/ cheating...can all be worked through over time with counceling. good luck to your friend.
The only thing I can say is to just be there for her when she needs to fall apart or cry or even jump for joy. It's a tough situation when you're friends with both of them.
"Jane" is have the same issues about children. They were actually trying because she has some medical issues that essentially give her the reproductive system of a 40+ y/o when she's only 29. As soon as she really realized/accepted the severity of their marital problems, they stopped, but she has had to come to terms with the fact that she may realistically never have kids -- at least not naturally.
DH is going out of town next week so I'm going to invite her for dinner - it's a start!
and for what it's worth, I would totally divorce DH in a heartbeat if he cheated on me (he's well aware of this). The rule is we stay married unless one of us cheats or beats!
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