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Difficult FIL Situation
I feel like my husband and I are in a difficult spot...
About a year and a half ago, we moved into the house my husband grew up in. His parents are divorced and have each re-married and neither wanted to live in the house they used to share, so they gave it to my husband.
However, my FIL is not in a happy relationship (he and his wife fight a lot) and several times, he's come to our house needing a place to stay (sometimes, if we're not home, he picks the lock and lets himself in!). This past weekend, he and his wife got into another fight and he's been staying at our house since then. I don't mind helping out, but I feel like he's very critical of our lifestyle - we eat out too often, our house is messy, our cars are too messy, we keep too many lights on, etc, etc. It drives me crazy!! I always try to maintain a clean home, ESPECIALLY while he's around because I know if I don't, he'll make a comment about it, but he's so messy! He leaves his trash around or doesn't flush the toilet and if I don't clean up after him, he criticizes the cleanliness of our home. Even though it's HIS mess!!
And now my husband wants to invite him to move in with us permanently (until we can afford to buy a home of our own) because he knows he's not happy with his wife!! I feel, and I know my husband feels, guilty because they DID give us the house and that helped us out IMMENSELY and he wants to return the favor, but I don't think I can take living with him. I've mentioned to my husband that we could give him the house back and find an apartment or something on our own, but he seems to think that would be a waste of money when we could all just live together. I haven't lived with my own parents in over 4 years and they weren't NEARLY as critical as he is.
P.S. - there is a cultural difference - FIL is from Mexico - he expects the woman to maintain the house-keeping and I take it personally when he makes comments about the cleanliness of our home
Re: Difficult FIL Situation
HELL NO - do not live with this man. Get your own place if he needs to leave his wife and is set on moving back in this house.
And for the record, if your ILs gave the house to their son they would have signed the appropriate paperwork and changed the title. They may be letting you all live there rent free but you don't own the house and your FIL is showing you who he thinks runs the household. Your DH needs to get on the same page with you and your DH needs to have a conversation with his father.
Since it sounds like you just live there and not own the house...
Give FIL back the house. Find an apartment and continue to save for a house.
I would tell FIL the only circumstances that would warrant him leaving messes then complaining about the mess would be if both his hands were broken and that I could arrange that if he wanted.
I don't care if he's from the planet Zenon, that would not fly with me.
I think if you and your H started insisting FIL cleaned up after himself, then he wouldn't want to stay with you anymore.
I'm guessing they didn't actually give H the house (ie, transfer the title into his name) but they are allowing you to live there while you pay the taxes, insurance and utilities. Is this accurate?
If you don't own the house, you tell FIL that you prefer he didn't move in, but you can't really insist if he owns the house. Then you need to get your own apartment.
If you do own the house, you make it clear to H that FIL will not be living with you, or you will go get your own apartment and (ex)H & FIL can live together.
Regardless of the living situation long term, I would not tolerate FIL criticizing me in my home and I would insist my H speak to him. I would not tolerate FILs behavior in my home and I would not let FIL ruin my marriage. Does your H feel the same?
Yeesh! The cultural aspect isn't just at play with the housekeeping issue. Since Hispanic families place such an importance on respect for your elders and the family unit, which includes what most Americans consider extended family, he may see it as disrespectful if you don't accept him into your home. He also might not see it as your home, but as the family home.
The first hurdle is convincing your husband it's not a "waste of money" to deed the house back to his father and the two of you find someplace else to live.
My husband would have two choices: live with dad in the house or live with me somewhere else and dad keeps the house.
I would tell my husband I'm not living in an environment of constant complaining and nagging over housekeeping. Nor am I living with my inlaws at this point in time.
I understand the cultural differences, I married outside my culture also, but we compromise our two cultures. We don't have a rigid observance of one over the other. Your husband can't have it all his way on this. Giving the house back to his dad is more than generous. And your husband has to understand why you shouldn't be expected to "suck up" his father's attitude just because his mother did. Or point out the fact that maybe his father's difficult attitude isn't that easy to live with, since his parents are struggling to cohabitate.
Good catch casmgn! Yep, I completely read that way too fast.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't care what the background is of this man I would NOT be waiting on any man especially one that was not my H. Why do you think you have to clean up after him? If your H thinks you should then both of them can live in the house together. Move out with or without him. Your life will be hell if you stay and you have the power to stop this train wreck. Adios to that mess.
Its very nice that you were given this gift and benefitted finacially from it. However, strings were attached. Obviously.
Adults work and pay for the things that matter to them. It's all not "a waste" because it's not free. Adults pay for housing and then have to freedom to live as they please.
I had an apartment for years and it was the happiest check I wrote every month. Was it a waste when I could have lived for "free" in the attached apartment at my parent's house (that used to be for my grandmother)? No chance. Best mooney spent EVER.
You don't have to live like that and I suggest you don't. You don't have to get permission from your DH to see what apartments meet your needs and suite your lifestyle. When you have real choices, you can have a serious discussion about moving.
Just realize ONE important aspect to the move. Your FIL may not want to live on his own without a female family member to berrate into cleaning up after him. He may not like the idea of a move at all. And all becuase he likes to b!tch and complain and be a bully. Keep THAT in mind when you run up against his piss poor attitude about the move.
omg do not let this old cooter live with you permanatly! (sp??)
the picking the lock thing omg again!
no no no no no
This exactly. OP from what you are describing it really sounds as if your FIL moving in will more than likely damage your relationship with H. So you need to sit down and have a discussion with H. Let him know that you and he living with FIL is not an option regardelss of how much money you save. You cannot put a price on your marital relationship.
If anyone ever picked the lock to my home to come in without my permission, I would give them the choice to either leave of their own accord or leave in the back of a squad car, and that person would not be welcome in my home again!
That, compounded with the sheer rudeness of FIL critiquing your housekeeping = a man that should not be welcome to sponge off you and your H because he can't get his act together. This is not acceptable in any way.
I agree with the PPs. If your H insists that your father move into the house, let H know that he can live with you elsewhere or live with his daddy instead.
This is exactly what I would do if it were me. Living with a third person is hard enough but when it's a parent and said parent acts like this, oh HELL NO...
Yes. I put my foot down to a similar type situation when DH wanted my MIL to move in when we got married (she refused to meet me and ignored me bc I am a different race and culture.) Even if extended family is part of the culture as it is in my DH's case, living with an IL that would cause you distress or undermine your marriage should NOT happen.
Crisis may be averted for now, but this could happen again and it is clear where your H stands on having family live with both of you. Now that FIL is out of the house I think you need to sit down and have a talk about your expectations with family living with you.
Also, your FIL may be rude and crass with the things he says to you, but your husband is being worse for not sticking up for you and putting him in his place. Make it a point now to get your H's expectations because neither of you are on the same page right now.
Boy, I didn't read all of these comments but my thought is that since the house was given to him by both his parents in the divorce, you can not simply give the house back to his dad. I don't think his mom would appreciate that because that basically means he won the house in the divorce. To avoid this, I would get it appraised and make him pay your mil half of the amount. If she wants to give that money back to you guys, that's her business.
I understand the cultural differences, but while yes I think you can bend on some things, you both need to be in agreement of a parent living with you. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, it's purely a personal choice, but it will cause a huge strain in your marriage if you can't come to a mutual agreement. i also think you would have no problem having a discussion with your husband about the way your FIL makes you feel. Regardless if this is cultural or not, your husband needs to step up and defend you.
But before another day goes by, change all the locks! And make sure they are good, sturdy deadbolts. And make sure no one gets a key except you and your H.
What you mean is 'the crisis has been put off til the next big fight'
You and H need to sit and decide what happens the next time Daddy fights with his wife and you come home to find him ensconced on your couch, chips and wrappers all around *cue Daddy's comments about how the house used to be kept up better*