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advise me if this is my problem...
Last night I got a Facebook message from my brother telling me that the place he's working and staying at is closing down for the winter, so he has no place to go. He asked if he could live with me if he paid rent.
My first thought was "oh heeeeell no. Wait, just no."
There's no way he can live with us. First off, he's so unstable I don't even want him around my children. Second, we don't have the room.
I feel caught in the middle. Part of me is saying, "You do not have time for this. He is an adult and will have to figure things out on his own." The other half says, "You're his sister and he's really messed up right now. He has no one. You have to help him somehow, even if it's not letting him live with you."
Maybe I can make some calls to the Mental Health department? I know he had an intellectual evaluation done recently, but I don't know if anything came out from it. Then again, I'm dealing with so much already and taking on him is too much. Argh! I don't know what to do.
Re: advise me if this is my problem...
This is not your problem.
He's an adult; he needs to figure things out. You could give him advice, but you don't have to take him in.
You really need to put your children first. Just being in an environment with a "safe" but mentally unstable person can be so chaotic and stressful, it's really harmful for the kids.
I would see what services are available to him in his/your town/county/state. Sometimes they have job placement help, housing opportunities, healthcare. That is the way you can best serve your brother and your family.
GL!
Then you have your answer right there. No room, not safe for you kids. That's pretty cut and dried.
Tell him you're willing to help him find a place to live, but that he can't stay with you.
It's not your problem. Yeah, that probably sounds heartless but he's a grown adult and (assuming) they did find something on his evaluation he probably has a social worker he can go to for help.
You can't handle it, you don't have the room, and you don't want him under the same roof as your kids--there's your answer.
Maybe you can ask him if they assigned him a social worker and perhaps get him in touch with them? They might be able to help him find a place to stay.
I am astounded by the number of people on these boards who write for advice about relatives asking them to move in. What is wrong with people?! Not only would I not want to 'burden' one of my relatives/friends and put them in that awkward position, but I am an adult and could not compromise my living habits and rituals that I practice now by moving into someone else's house rules and stipulations.
You have pointed out some logical reasons - you have children & there's no room. THEN comes the clincher - he is medically unstable. You wouldn't even have to mention that part and I would still root for him not to move in w/you.
Yes, you are his sister - but your kids are your primary concern now. You have a family of your own. He is an adult and needs to seek professional help. If you want to *reach* out and help him, there's always offering a hand at helping him move his belongings and looking for a place to live.
As the pp said, yes, you are his sister. But your children and your family come first. Period.
I love my parents. Unfortunately they have not planned well for the future and I fear having to choose between taking one or both of them in or not at some point. But I know I can't. It would kill my marriage and therefore indirectly hurt my children. Nothing and nobody gets to do that. I'll twist myself into a pretzel trying to help them in absolutely any other way I can because they've earned that loyalty and support, and I'll want to do it - it won't be out of just obligation - but my house is off limits.
I'd say the same to the OP about her brother. By all means help him. Do that by loaning him a small amount of money if you can and he needs it (assume, however, that it's a gift and you'll never see it again!). Help him find a place to go, physically assist him with moving, invite him for short visits that aren't even necessarily overnight if he's close enough to come for the day. But don't expose your children to overcrowding and mental instability. It's not worth it, IMO.
Good luck!
Hands down there is no way he's moving in with me.My question was whether or not it's my problem to help him find someplace to live. Telling him that I'll help him is just one more thing I'd be taking on when my hands are full already. I don't know if I want to take it on. Counseling has helped me see how much crap I take in this insane effort to try to please everyone.
But I still I feel guilty not offering help because I'm his sister.
You FEEL guilty, but you are not guilty of doing anything. Very very important difference. It's okay to say no. It will surely cause disappointment because your family is used to you helping/giving them so much of yourself, but believe me when I say the world will not end when you say no to them. I've been there and the more you learn to say no and put yourself first, the easier it gets.