Sex & Romance
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Virtually sexless marriage
I've been married four and a half years. During that time, my wife and I have had sex exactly five times.
I've tried gently coming onto her, asking politely, begging, pleading, planning romantic evenings, even suggesting that it's hurting our marriage... nothing.
Before we got married, she said the relative lack of sex was due to a fear of getting pregnant. Now she says it's because of her body image. I tell her that I still find her attractive, but she apparently doesn't feel comfortable with her body.
What's a guy to do?
Re: Virtually sexless marriage
How many times have you had sex with her BEFORE you were married???
If the number was not great, you should have moved on, if sex is important to you. As you can see, marriage doesn't make a spouse into a raging and hot sex machine.
I would sit down with her and strongly suggest that she get a complete and through medical checkup.
It's probably high time she's had one...you too -- get yours also. It's good for a matter of your general overall health.
She needs to be candid and frank with the physician.
Certain health conditions that can cause a lack of libido or no libido are hormonal imbalances and thyroid problems: both are very easily corrected.
If there's no underlying medical reason why she's not in the mood for sex, there's something else going on. (anybody who's overweight will tell you it's tough to lose pounds; then again, I know of a few people of size -- both sexes -- who are self confident and happy. And have no lack of companions of the opposite sex)
I am guessing you're in good shape, you have good hygiene and you do what you can to make the bedroom scene as romantic and exciting as possible. If you're not doing any of the afore mentioned, get going.:)
If nothing pans out after the checkup, it very well can be that she has decided the sex department is now closed for good. Sad but it happens.
It could also be that she is asexual or has a very very low sex drive. Nothing will ever change that.
It's up to you to determine where to go from there, after the checkup and other attempts to see what's what with your lack of sex life.
And if she's still not heeding what you've said about the lack of sex hurting our marriage, that's a blatant disregard of what YOU want. Make up your mind and you decide what you want and where to go from here.
Why have you tolerated this for so long?
Yes, it is acceptable to divorce someone because they refuse to have sex with you.
First off, ditto PPs, but also:
Have you tried asking HER what would turn her on? Not a single one of the things you just listed would put me in the mood. DH cleaning the kitchen and taking out the garbage turns me on more than a romantic evening out, hands down.
This seems pretty late in the game, but if you really open up the communication, it *may* be something you are able to salvage.
Don't worry, I'm working on it.
Get it on!
Early in our relationship we "fooled around" a lot, but once we started actually having sex (about 2 years in), it tapered off. I don't know if it's a coincidence because she started gaining some weight around that time, or if she was genuinely afraid of getting pregnant, or what.
Of course!
No and no.
Don't worry, I'm working on it.
Get it on!
Um yar, seriously! Life is too short to not have sex! At the rate you are going and if nothing changes, if you stay married for 20 more years you will only have sex approx 20 more times in your lifetime (faithfully with your wife). Total. Ever. Just something to think about!
If it turns out she's got a thyroid condition, wow, she's literally playing with fire. The thyroid is important for heart rate and other vital functions.
You need to have it hit home that she needs to see a doc and stat. You can tell her to go but you won't be able to make her do so and if that's the case, it's another story altogether.
This is really passing the buck -- before you were married, pregnancy was her fear and that's why she wasn't putting out? In case she hasn't heard the newsbreak, the pill has been around since 1960 and other alternative birth control methods, like the diaphragm and condom, have been around a hell of a lot longer than that. Who's she kidding?
It's very well possible that she may never have been interested in sex -- and if she's using pregnancy to pass the buck, along with her body image "problem", she's trying to take you for a ride. That's fraud and unfair to you.
In her defense, her mom got pregnant at least once -- possibly twice -- while on the pill.
So she says...
If she was afraid of getting pregnant, she could have used hormonal birth control *and* condoms. Or she could have used NFP and avoided sex during fertile times. She could have used a non-hormonal IUD and condoms.
If she wanted to have sex with you, she could have. Even with a deep seated fear of pregnancy.
If an adult truly loves their partner, they will want to have sexual intimacy with that person. If that adult has a low sex drive, they feel badly about not being in the mood for their partner. Look down this page and read the postings from women who are feeling bad because their sex drive has disappeared or sex has become uncomfortable. These women are bothered by the situation and are looking for answers. These women make appointments with doctors. They care about their partner's needs and they want to get to a healthy sex life.
They don't let their husband beg and plead for a bit of attention.
Perhaps your wife was raised in a religious household and is having a tough time transitioning to a "sex is now OK" head space. Perhaps your wife was sexually abused and is not mentally capable of a healthy adult sexual relationship. Perhaps she is a lesbian who married a man because she couldn't acknowledge her own sexuality. It is impossible to know because she won't talk about it, won't deal with it, won't TRY to work with you to get to a normal/reasonable/any sex life.
It is time for marriage counseling or divorce ultimatum.
If an adult truly loves their partner, they will want to have sexual intimacy with that person. If that adult has a low sex drive, they feel badly about not being in the mood for their partner. Look down this page and read the postings from women who are feeling bad because their sex drive has disappeared or sex has become uncomfortable. These women are bothered by the situation and are looking for answers. These women make appointments with doctors. They care about their partner's needs and they want to get to a healthy sex life.
They don't let their husband beg and plead for a bit of attention.
This exactly.
Most of all if your wife even cares at all, she will listen to you and do her ultimate to make you happy. This is a given, not an option.
Something was never right here with your wife. She can't go pinning the rose on a fear of pregnancy. She can't pass the buck and go "oh now it's my body image."
Apparently she is full of excuses. And that's not a good thing.
Everybody has given her good advice. Hoping you'll follow it.
If, after the checkups, the no-holds barred talk with your wife and other things that were suggested, there is still no ante-ing up sexually from your wife, I strongly suggest you file for an annullment. Life is too short to waste on somebody who doesn't care about her partner, either on an emotional or sexual basis --- and I also suggest therapy for you. You need to know why you played the good guy for so long and put up with a wife who didn't give 2 figs about emotional support for her H. GL.
In her defense, her mom got pregnant at least once -- possibly twice -- while on the pill.
Hm, so? My mother was number eight of eleven kids and got pregnant herself five times while on every form of birth control possible. I, on the other hand, have endometriosis and will be lucky to conceive at all. You can never know...
Wow, apparently one of the reasons everyone here got married was because they were expecting sex. She better give you sex or threaten her with divorce??? Seriously people? Jeepers.
Well, let's just say having no sex in your marriage is bound to cause some problems. I am hoping there are other reasons you married her and perhaps she is doing well as a wife in other areas.
One question I have to ask is because of the lack of satisfaction on your end, have you strayed away and had an affair or are you into porn? If you answered yes to either, that could be an issue. Maybe she knows and tha'st why she doesn't want sex. Or maybe she is with someone else.
I say these things to spur discussion with your wife, honest ones. But do not assume the worst of people. I mean, maybe like others have said she has a medical thing or else she has a very poor self image. In which case, it may help to seek out a counselor individually or as a couple.
I am all about working things out. It is a hard thing to deal with. The less sex men have the more they want it. The less sex women have the less they need/want it.
Just make sure you are still letting her know you love her, even if you aren't getting sex, hope something helps.