Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My MIL problem (sorry, it's long)
Nearly 2 weeks ago my MIL was kicked out of her home because her elderly boyfriend smelled oil in the basement and was having trouble breathing. She called 911, cops came to the house (which the BF owns), they saw that the oil tank had ruptured and the basement floor was covered in oil. The cops condemned the property, The BF was sent to the hospital and my MIL was kicked out of the house.
Since then the cleanup of the oil and all that entails has been very slow. the oil is out of the basement, but now we have to wait for the soil testing to find out how much of it and the ground water has been tainted. We don't know when or even if the house will be inhabitable again. The tank rupture was entirely the fault of the BF. It's 50 years old and he is a stubborn miser who refuses to spend money on anything, including his home. The BF is now in a rehab center and dying.
The worst part for DH and I is that my MIL is living with us for almost 2 weeks now. She is manic depressive and we've already seen her ugly mood swings on display. She is a pathetic case because she loves her mental illness and feels no responsibility to try and get it under control with talk therapy and meds. I've tried to help her for the 3 years I've known her -- finding 2 psychiatrists both of whom she fired for being "verbally abusive" and spent many hours talking and trying to reason with her about the benefits of working to get well.
Now we have her under our roof. DH has an older brother but he abandoned the family years ago because he couldn't handle his mother. She has no other family in the area to turn to, but she's driving me crazy. DH and I have no privacy and she just hangs around the house all day and night watching tv and eating pint after pint of ice cream. She also follows me around the house alot which is bizarre.
DH is very conflicted. He feels a responsibility to his Mom and won't desert her. But he knows she's seriously ill, destructive and that a blow up between us and her is inevitable. He also resents the lack of privacy.
I don't know what to do. The jury is still out on the fate of the house and we don't know when we'll have an answer. My MIL has a next door neighbor who has been a good friend for years. I had a thought that we could approach my MIL and the friend to see if they could live together temporarily. The friend lives alone, has a nice home and understands my MIL's problems. But maybe it's too much of an imposition, even if we offer to pay monthly rent to keep her there? I tend to think it is. BTW, when she moved in with us, DH and I made an agreement that this living situation was temporary.
Please don't flame me, ladies. This is a very stressful situation for H and I. I don't mean to sound heartless, but living with my MIL is soon going to be unbearable because she's sick in her mind and refuses to control it. all I want is to have my normal married life back and my MIL living away from us in a decent, safe home.
Re: My MIL problem (sorry, it's long)
I'm so sorry you and your husband have to deal with this. I wish I had an answer for you.
I would start looking at what resources and social services might be available. She's refusing treatment and isn't able to care for herself, I'd like to believe there are some alternatives.
Can she be temporarily hospitalized until she is stable on a therapy / medication regimen? Maybe once she's stabilized, she'll accept, or choose, treatment?
How old is she? Does she qualify for senior or low-income housing? Can she afford to live on her own? Is she CAPABLE of living on her own?
If she is capable of living on her own, then try and find her a new place. Contact your local mental health agency and see if they can find a place for her, or put her on the list for senior housing (which could take years!). Also try the United Way (which can be an umbrella for many different agencies).
There are probably MANY alternatives to just throwing her on the street. BUT - - your H and your MIL don't seem like they are going to do anything to move her into her own place, so you'll have to do a lot of legwork on your own. If you can find suitable housing for your MIL, then it will be a lot easier for you to approach H (and later MIL) and tell them "look, this isn't working for me. There are X, Y and Z resources available, and mom needs to take advantage of them."
I don't think you are heartless. I would not like to live with a mentally ill person, even if it was my own parent! It's stressful.
Is there any way she can get into a fixed income housing program -- lots of towns uses them mainly for seniors but they are also for those who are not seniors but live on fixed incomes -- and have a live in companion stay with her?
Also, parents who are chronically ill can be tough to live with and tough to handle; I have a friend whose exH is bipolar and he's funny about his meds, too: when he discontinues them he does very bizzare things (example: he called the college and cancelled their daughter's tuition and he discontinued the kids' cell phones; another time he called a slew of relatives and told them that he was remarrying my friend the ex wife and that they were planning a big wedding)
Living with a chronically illl relative is taxing emotionally. You also lose the ability to objectively view their illness.
You know and I know she shouldn't be living with you and the H for a lot of reasons --- contact a social worker; see what he or she can recommend; there has to be more means for her to be out and live on her own other than fixed income housing or subsidized housing.
GL; let us know what happens.
Call your local welfare/social rehab agency, run by the state you live in, and get her a social worker and a case number. She needs to get out of your house; she needs a job; she needs mental therapy. They'll get it going for her, help her train, help her qualify for services etc.
Yes, this is too much to place on a neighbor.
Yes, she is capable of taking care of herself. But she refuses completely to go into a hospital to be evaluated and medicated even for a short time. She really needs a psych ward where she can be monitored and controlled. It'll never happen and H won't have her "committed". Also she couldn't hold a job even if she wanted one. Her instability is too great.
We have to find affordable housing for her. I'm not going to let H and I destroy our savings to take care of her and that will take careful planning. I'll look into finding a social worker or one of the other services that may be able to help her and us. I won't let her drive a wedge in my marriage. If I have to tell her directly that she must be out of the house on a particular day of the week so H and I can have privacy and normalcy I'll do it.
Thanks for all your supportive advice. My H is so upset I haven't seen him smile in 5 days and I'm walking on eggshells.
Is she seeing a physician and a mental health professional at all?
If she is ever a danger to herself and/or other people, call the police immediately. Have them take her to the nearest hospital; they will evaluate her there. GL.
Have the three of you sat down and discussed expectations of living together?
I don't get the impression that you have. It's not unexpected considering the emergency surrounding the move. But after 2 weeks, its time.
Wow, what a tough situation. My DH is bipolar (in treatment, on meds), and I'm convined that my MIL (who passed away last year) had it but was undiagnosed. She tried to "self-medicate" with alcohol, and it was a terrible situation for DH's family for many years.
Sounds to me like your husband could use some help learning how to set boundaries with her. Has he ever been to a counselor to talk about how to handle mental illness in a loved one? Or even to Al-Anon?
You should not be the one demanding that she leave, because if your DH isn't on board with that plan, I guarantee that your actions will drive a wedge between you and DH faster than MIL's continued presence in your home.
Talk to your DH and see if he's willing to talk to a counselor who has experience treating family members of the mentally ill.