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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My best friend doesnt know what she getting into...
Hi. Heres my problem and i am desperate need of advice. My best friend since we were 12 is getting married. But the issue is, she is settling for a total loser. I desperately want to be happy for them, but the truth is i can only see this ending up in divorce or an unwanted pregnancy by her to keep them together. I know you may all think I am being a bit harsh but seriously this guy is a deadbeat. He screams at her and storms out of the house when he mad, hes 26 and has failed out of his college classes more times than i can count, can barely keep his 15 hr. a week job at applebees, and constatnly borrows money from my best friend's savings account to pay his bills. Among other things he is incredibly rude to me, and has even went as far as telling me [im the matron of honor in their wedding] how he wants the bachelorette party planned. I have tried talking to her about the way that he acts and how he treats her, but it is like she doesnt see it. Her other close friends have tried telling her the same things to no avail. She always tells me that she cant wait to have what me and my husband have, but she doesnt realize the work we have put into our marriage and education and work to be where we are today. I dont want her to make the biggest mistake of her life!! I know she deserves better than him, but i have no idea what to do seeing as her wedding is in a week. I am just so sad for her...
Re: My best friend doesnt know what she getting into...
well you can either talk to her about it and risk losing her friendship or just MYOB (which is what I think you should do)
Theres not much you can do about it.
My best friend loves her some douchebag BFs and shes been thru several!
You've already expressed your concerns to her. There isn't much more you can do. She will she it when she wants to, but it's her life and she can make the mistakes she wants. I would continue to support her because her perfect world will fall apart eventually and she will need her friends for support.
You've said your piece. Repeating yourself is only going to alienate her for fear of a big "I told you so" if and when she does come to her senses.
It sounds like she believes the wedding is going to turn this toad into a prince, and when she discovers that it doesn't, she's going to need the support of her family and friends.
Out of curiosity, what does her family think of him?
She will not listen to you.
Love is blind and she will need 10 roofs to fall on her before she finally realizes he is the problem.
We have a friend who was dating a total jerk -- he stood her up a lot, spent too much time with his friends, he never had her back, he was cheap (he'd order 1 meal and make her eat from his plate!) his dad came in first and she came very last --- the dad let it be known he disliked her intensely and would not permit her to stay in the boyfriend's home (dad owned half the home; the boyfriend owned the other half) and he abused her, not only verbally but physically.
We never liked him; she knew this -- it was only over after he dumped her for good. She dated this winner for 9 years.
That was 4 years ago; she never really got over "losing" Jim. Pity.
I'm with the others here- you and other friends have said your piece, and she's still gung ho to marry this guy. Continuing to tell her you don't like him and why isn't going to make it magically set in: you've spoken up, you know she isn't receptive, continuing to say something you know the other person isn't receptive to is a quick way to alienate people instead of support them.
That said: it sucks to watch someone do something we think is a terrible idea, I don't deny that at all. But two things might help. First, humility check: have you ever done something that blew up in your face, and had other friends and family tried to warn you to no avail? I have. Everyone I can think of has- granted, some had a blush-worthy oops while others took it to extremes, but it's helpful to deal with other people's mistakes when you have a solid grounding in the knowledge that you've made some of your own, too.
And second- while this situation certainly doesn't sound good, no one has any way of knowing that it's going to end up as "Best friend ends up divorcing ill-mannered deadbeat" or "Best friend has baby in desperate attempt to save marriage to ill-mannered deadbeat." It could end up with your best friend changing her morals and manner to match his. It could end up with him changing his morals and manner to match hers. It could end up with them both making major changes and meeting somewhere in the middle. It could end up with them both being happy as clams together, as-is. Granted, your predictions seem much, much more likely from where I'm sitting, but we don't *know*. So that's something that can help to- you've expressed your concern, you're prepared for a bad outcome, you're preparing to support her anyway (I assume, since you're MOH)- you're doing what you can as her friend. The rest you need to give back to your friend and her fiance and fate, and let it take the course it's going to take.
My SIL has had one loser husband, and two loser BFs one of which is currently her fiance. My H tells her his concerns and then backs off to let her figure it out herself. Then we listen and support.
If you want to keep your friend I suggest you do the same.
It sucks to watch someone you care about go through this. Unfortunately, she's not going to listen to you about what a jerk this guy is. She has to come to this realization on her own in her own way. You've expressed concern already and it sounds like she's not ready to hear it. Continuing on about his a-hole ways may actually backfire on you and cost you a friendship.
Be a support person in her life. You don't have to lie and say you like him, just don't point out all his faults constantly. She's more likely to see them herself if she's not feeling like she has to defend him to others all the time.
If she says that again, I'd tell her "I don't think you'll have that, because to have a marriage like mine, you need to have a partner like mine. I don't think that John is going to deliver that dream of yours."
Stay out of it. She seems like a friend that will only learn from experience not advice. Its a week before the wedding she knows the man she's marrying and has decided to make a life with him. Just be there for her.
My best friend had a baby with a guy who has no goals in life and is a complete pushover. She's the main caretaker for their child and when she goes back to work will also be the main breadwinner. She's going to be carrying it all on her shoulders with a boyfriend who is just "there". She's never been one listen to advice she just learns from crashing and burning. Your friend will have to do the same.
Unfortunately, you can't do squat. She is the only one who can decide whether or not this guy is good enough for her. Other people's input is most likely not going to matter. You got what you wanted to off your chest and that's all you can really do at this point.
If she's happy, respect it and be happy for her. If she turns out to be miserable in the long run, be there to support her and don't say "I told you so."
Honestly, if my friend was planning on marrying someone that verbally abuses them and steals from them, I'd tell her that I was there for her, would always be there for her, but could not in good conscience stand up with her and support her at the wedding.
Yes, odds are, she'd stop speaking to me and be furious. But, I'd hope when she finally wises up and needs help leaving him, she'd remember that I would support her.
Well, she sounds like a bit of a deadbeat herself if her parents are supporting her (paying rent, cell phone, etc.). Sounds like they will both be in for a rude awakening when they start living together without Daddy's assistance.
I think I would step out of the wedding party/MOH duties. "I love you and will always be there for you, but I can't support this marriage so I need to step down." She will probably hate you for a while, but I'm not sure this is a friendship worth keeping.
This above.
This may be a mistake on her part (likely) but it is hers to make and to live with. They are both in for a rough ride if they think a wedding is going to turn something with this many problems into a fairytale!
You have said your thoughts and opinions about her future husband and this impending marriage, and now, it is time to step down from the bridal party duties. In my opinion, if you cannot support the couple being married (and I think you have good reason for this!), you should not be standing up there in support.
Honestly, I would rather lose a friend through honesty, then keep a friendship by dishonest.
I have been through this exact same thing! The other ladies are right. She won't listen to you no matter what. I told my friend exactly what I thought about her BF and the way she allows him to treat her (not that my opinion is what really matters) and it did no good. I also cut off all contact with him so that the only time she could see me was when she was alone. It was pretty painful for the both of us, but he was so disrespectful to me I couldn't allow him in my home. They got engaged and I almost died. The relationship finally ran it's course and ended dramatically.
The point I was trying to make is, tell her how you feel. If she loves you it won't end the friendship. Hopefully if enough people do this in her life she will see what a strain he is putting on all her other relationships and she will wise up. If not, at least you were honest and still showed her you love her. You can only do what you can do. Good luck with everything.
Exactly. The best way to get through to her that you don't agree with this union is to bow out, and not be the MOH. By standing beside her on her wedding day, you are telling her you agree with it. If your concerns are real, and it seems to me that they are... walk away.
Some people just want to get married, regardless of who they are marrying, maybe by doing something drastic she'll get the point?
Not sure if you'll see this since it's been quite a few days after your original post but I wanted to let you know that I was that girl once. The best thing you can do is to let life run its course and stay supportive. When I married my husband, everyone told me he wasn't right for me and that I deserved better. I chose not to listen and went for it anyways. My friends did attend the wedding as bridesmaids even though they disagreed with it, so I wouldn't rule out going as the MOH yet because in the end what really matters is that you were there for her, regardless of whether or not you agree with their marriage.
Shortly after my wedding, I found out one of my bridesmaids was saying really hurtful things about me and my H so naturally I stopped talking to her. My other bridesmaids kept their mouths shut and when my marriage ended due to H running off with another woman, they were there for me when I really needed them. The girl who said mean things about me found out about my divorce (after 3 years of not speaking) and now wants back into my life just because H is gone, but I'm really not interested.
What it comes down to is if you want to stay friends with her - be there for her.