Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Change custody because kids don't like rules?
My DH and I have 50/50 custody of his two children, 12 and 8. Since we got together I realized his children do not have discipline or I guess behave their age. He then started discipline/rules/guiding his children after he realized in a restaurant his 12yr through a tantrum because she didn't know how to cut her enchiladas. He has been putting rules on them and guiding them to be more responsible. Which appears to be working. They are acting more mature, can handle tasks by themselves, feel good because they are more grown up, talk back less etc etc.
The BM has no rules, and yes we have discussed with BM our rules, we wanted a united front. Well that didn't work. BM said she doesn't do rules, she does expectations but she feels like they are responsible enough with school and shouldnt have to behave at home. !!!!
Now that we are married, we got a new house together, which this has been since July, we have had difficulties with the kids. The issue is that the kids tell their mom and DH's mom that we are too strict. When they were approached by this they said it was because we don't allow food/drinks in their rooms and only 45 min video game time
We talked with them about everything and they acted fine, but well I guess not. Now every week they come over they dont want to. The 12yr old girl says she isnt happy here because of all the rules and it isn't her home. Which the mother got the house in the divorce which they were raised in since birth.
We have striven to have them feel this was their home, let them decorate their rooms, get their clothes just for here, etc but yet somehow she isn't happy here. Pretty much the 8 yr old doesnt seem to have a problem and is happy to come over. Before we lived together, custody was just on weekends, and so with a few rules DH implemented, it was more of a FUN time, movies, dinners, mini golf etc. Now having them 7 days where we can't always have fun because there is bedtime, showers, homework, etc.
DH doesn't want to lose 50/50, he didn't even want that, he wanted FT. But because SD isn't happy here, he is thinking maybe we should do less visits and he just go back to being fun dad and let her have her way. He is so incredibly hurt, every week before SD comes she comes up with something new to say of why she doesn't want to be here.
I don't know what to do. I want DH to make the right decision for his children, but yet is going back to no rules the way to go? Or less custody?
Re: Change custody because kids don't like rules?
Im amazed that your DH is willing to reduce the time that she spends with his children because they dont like the rules.
Your SD is 12, which in my expirence is a god awful age for a girl (my H's sister is that age and if shes anything like that omg sorry for you and it sounds like she is) of course shes going to complain because you have rules! DUH
Your H really just needs to bucke down and stay the course, I hated my moms rules but it made me a better person. And if the EX is reasonable talk to her and ask for her help.
On a personal note I have 3 step brothers and we had this exact same thing happen when I was growing up however my step dad gave up and let them all live full time with his EX and I know he regrets it now bc were all grown and my brothers are not the men he wants them to be. I however who stayed there (bc my mom wouldnt let me move to my dads where there we NO rules) and I if I dont mind saying so myself turned out pretty awesome
Neither!
I'm not a parent, but know from being a kid that sometimes being a parent is no fun. It's not fun to enforce rules, have your kids be angry at you, get your feelings hurt, etc. BUT you do it anyway because your job as a parent isn't to make your kids happy in the short term---it's to raise responsible, disciplined, mature adults. Doing that means being unpopular a lot of the time, especially during the teen years. Since mom has no rules, the onus is on dad to be kind but firm and consistent with the rules and to do so as often as possible.
I can't believe these are the only two choices your DH has come up with. It's like he thinks the inmates should run the asylum! I'm a professor. My students often say that my class is too hard, they shouldn't have to do so much reading, etc. In the short term, they dislike my class (and probably me!) But my job isn't to be popular---it's to teach them to learn. And you know what? I get great ratings at the end of the semster because students realized that me being hard on them throughout is a sign that I care about them and want them to learn more than they ever thought possible....and they do!
According to your DH's thought process, just because my students whine about not wanting to read two.whole.books I should just say, "Ok---never mind. You don't have to do any work in this class. I'll just give you As" or tell them to drop out of college???
I have no advice, having no experience in blended families. You may find good insight on the blended family board.
I just wanted to express my horror via e-moticon on BM's logic:
Thanks! I am so frustrated! I think he should just buckle down and keep the rules going and keep custody how it is. I do believe a lot of it is a preteen who doesn't want rules.
It would be nice if BM would be more willing to work with us. I honestly have no idea what she says to the kids when they come to her saying they aren't happy at our house...she has before put ideas into their heads that weren't true. Such as daddy's new family is more important to him, daddy is an alcoholic because he likes wine, etc.
Ok I know what you mean by BM but that also means Bowel Movement
maybe you could call her something else cause all Im reading is poop poop poop
HAHA sorry! Blended families I believe they use BM for birth mom! I also see it as bowel movement too! Use BM all the time for my job in health!
So, your H thinks its ok to give into A 12 year olds tantrums and demands?.
As the mother of 3 teens if he cant handle a 12 year old he is screwed when she turns 15. Giving in and letting her stay with her mom is only creating a bigger monster, teaching her that by whining she can get her way.
She's almost a teenager--she's going to complain about everything that doesn't go exactly her way.
I am the stepmother to two boys--my husband had full custody. One of them was very manipulative and tried to guilt his father into bending to his will by the "I want to go live with my mother" phrase every time things didn't go his way or he was punished for something.
I told my husband to call his bluff. So one day, when things were calm and everyone was getting along, I had my DH tell the oldest that since he wanted him to be happy, he didn't appear to be happy here, and he wanted to live with his mother, we would contact his mom and start the ball rolling for that to occur.
Oh, you never saw such backpedaling in your life! And incidentally, now that the oldest is 25, he can see what we were doing for him was better than his mother's no rules house. He actually thanked us this past Christmas for being as hard on him as we were.
She may complain, but kids really like a structured environment. Unless you want her to end up pregnant at 15, I'd stick to what you're doing.
She's twelve! Bitching and moaning about the rules and how unfair they are is part and parcel of the age. The issue here is that she has a parent who does let her do whatever she wants and can make the parent who does enforce rules look like the bad guy.
I'd suggest that you and your DH check out Parenting with Love and Logic and/or the teenage-specific version (Parenting Teens with Love and Logic) for some tools to put in your toolbox. IIRC, there's a chapter or two in there about what to do in a blended family situation where one parent refuses to set any kind of boundaries for the kids.
You are doing the right thing for her. I'm a high school teacher and was just involved in a discipline case at school where a student was expelled. I know the family well and have for a couple of years, and the parents absolutely set no limits for this child. He is one of the most miserable, angry, arrogant children I've ever seen. Knowing the specifics of the incident for which he was dismissed, I can tell you for a fact that his parents could have prevented it very early on by simply telling him "No" and having some consequences for his actions. Now the consequence is much more costly and painful than anybody wanted.
It sounds like your 12 year old SD is very, very smart and is on the cusp of outsmarting her own dad so she can skate through a "fun" week.
Growing up is about rules. If you have fun 24/7 with your parents, they are doing something wrong - because as a teen, you are mostly self-absorbed and rationalize everything you want to do and everyone who comes against that is a big meanie.
Just know that if he opts to lighten up and be "fun dad," he will be doing his part to create a total monster of a human being - one who won't get it when people don't cowtow to her desires as a grown-up because she isn't diggin' the rules.
ETA: Considering that the BM is using these rules at your house to be the "favorite" for now, please rest assured if your DH sticks to his guns and is able to show his love for his kids because is taking the tougher route in order to help them in the long run be better adjusted human beings, some day they WILL recognize it. Whether they admit it or are even conscious of it, kids thrive in structure. It so helps for them to know what those "expectations" and the necessary resulting consequences are resulting from their choices - otherwise it's nothing but chaos!
When BIL remarried, he went from having a batchelor pad to a house with rules. His wife (they are now divorced) is a LOVELY, warm, loving woman, but they did have a clean house and they did have rules.
The older son stayed there - mostly b/c he wasn't getting along with his mom. He is now making $100K a year, owns a home and has a lovely wife (who has created a warm and loving home for nephew and their child). TO THIS DAY he is thankful that BILs wife#2 showed him what a normal, loving (but structured) home waas.
The younger son preferred his mom's house - where there were few rules and little supervision. The mom was a nice woman, too, but very flighty, and more concerned with meeting her boyfriend than with being home to provide structure for a teenager.
Well, now the younger son STILL lives with his mom, b/c even though he was the "genius" of the family, he hasn't gotten a FT job since graduating from college, smokes pot regularly, and has no direction or idea what he wants to do with his life. And he's a great kid - just a pothead with no direction b/c he never had any rules or expectations.
What evs. Teens playing both side against the middle is nothing new. Whether it's trying for more screen time, R rayed movies ot a tramp stamp, pitting parents is an art form. Your DH need to grow a pair and be the adult.
BTW, You lost me when your referred to this woman as the BM. Birth mom? Seriously? She is their mom. Just mom.
My parents were divorced and my dad's house was party time 24/7. My mom was our primary custodial parent, but we did got to our dads often. At 12, you butter believe I threw the "I want to live with dad" card at my mom! But she held her ground... thank GOD! I would be a hot mess if I lived with my dad. He had no rules or structure.
Tell your H to hold his ground. At 12, its not about making them happy - its about making good decisions for them cuz Lord knows they don't know for themselves!
Are your rules unreasonable?
My mom has a lot of "rules" in her home, and to be honest, it's a PITA to visit her (I am not a teenager by any means!). It's just not relaxing to be around her. I am not the only person in my family to feel this way - she's a control freak, and it's definately more about control than about having people feel comfortable in her house (and it is NOT about keeping the house clean!).
She will do things like put out fragile holiday figurines on a coffee table when I or my sis was coming over with toddlers. Of course, the kids would head for the Santa figurines, and she would say "oh, DON'T TOUCH! Those decorations are not for touching!" I would pick up the figurines and place them up high on my own. But it's things like that, and about 100 other rules that make going to her house a hassle.
He is so incredibly hurt
This is my issue. yes, I understand feeling hurt, but he has to be the adult here and realize that it's really not about him.
1- she's 12. He'd be dealing w/ some version of this if he had FT custody. And/or even if he and his ex were still together! He HAS to realize that some of this is normal 12 year old behavior.
2- she's a child of divorce. That is going to have an affect on her too.
He has to take a step back and think about this rationally. Not based on how he feels, not because he wants to be the "cool" parent. In the long run, what is best for her? RULES. STRUCTURE. That is what is best.
To follow on another poster, though, I do agree to put thought into your rules and make sure they are fair and that they are based on creating structure, not control.
But seriously. She's 12. He's an idiot if he really gives up custody over her acting like a 12 year old.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Fun dad? As a goal? Seriously? You just lost your right to be smug and superior to the no-rule bio mom.
You realize you're talking about a tween on the verge of being a full-blown teen, right?
Is there even such thing as a kid who DOES like rules? I'm pretty sure not. That's the problem today. Too many people want their kids to like them and to be their friend that they let them get away with everything and anything. It would have been a cold day in Hell before my mom even thought about "no rules" in our household.
Sure it stinks when your kids go through that "I hate you" stage with their parents - I know I did - but I'm glad I turned out ok, and that was thanks to my parents' disciplining.
My SD is 12 too. I'd like to think that's the beginning of the stage where girls think they're god and nobody can tell them any different - although I'm glad to say my SD has never thrown a tantrum in a public place. Heck I never saw her throw one at home! Of coruse she'll try to argue her way into getting what she wants because she's a kid. But she also knows it won't work with her father, and even though she may get her way a little more often with her mom than with us, it doesn't always work with her mom, either. She's a good girl, and that's all thanks to the way H and his ex follow through with their rules and discipline they instill into her.
As the parent of a 16 yr old girl, I can tell you from age 12 -14 they hate their parents. Parents are mean, have too many rules and don't understand. They say incredibly hurtful things to their parents. And we are a "normal", loving two parent family without the mess of a divorce and shared custody.
Your H needs to stay the course and keep being the best parent he can be. I would do a "gut check" to make sure your rules are not too overbearing (but I agree with you on no food in the bedrooms). You could also consider having the kids "help" in setting the rules and selecting chores, to give them some sense of control. "Vacuum or bathrooms?" "You have 3 hours from dinner to bedtime. You need 1.5 hrs for homework, 30 mins for chores and one hour to shower, watch tv or play video games. If you work quickly on the chores (without shirking on cleanliness) and the shower, you can have more video/tv time."
I have a 12 year old, and there are few things b*tchier on this planet than a pre-teen. My daughter hates us when we ask her to do pure evil things like clean her room, do her homework, be nice to her siblings, brush her teeth...pretty much anything. The only thing you will do by giving into her is to teach her that if she is a big enough brat she will get what she wants. My d gets so mad at me when I tell her that my job on this earth is not to be her friend, it's to be her mom. If she doesn't like me...then I must be doing my job.
Her Dad is the only one she will get and he needs to act like a dad no matter how hard it is. This is something I have to remind my H of when his kids come to visit.
All I can think of when I imagine a 12 year old girl with no rules is a teen mother.Tell you DH to prepare to be a grandpa sooner than he'd like!