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Needing unbias advice!
Alrighty Ladies, I would really appreciate your advice. Here's the situation: One of my best friends (and bridesmaids) had a destination wedding in Aug. She met and married her husband in 3 months. I have been dating my fiance for 2 years and we have been engaged for almost a year. Now she is traveling home for my wedding in 3 weeks. In the mail today I recieved an invitation for a "home wedding reception" for her the day after my wedding. This really frustrated me!
I called to talk to her about it, because it really upset me and now she is cancelling her reception. Which was never my intention..... and I told her not to do! But now I feel like crap.
Sooooo... my question to you is this. Was it unreasonable or wrong for me to call and express my frustration with her? Is it wrong to want just one weekend to be "mine" for my wedding?
Re: Needing unbias advice!
Advice #1: Don't make your screen name yoru e-mail address for your own safety.
I understand you being miffed about "sharing" your wedding weekend, because all brides want their wedding to be special. Honestly, I think it's a little dense that she made it for that day. But you have to understand that your wedding weekend is not yours exclusively. If she wants to make it the day after, that's her prerogative, and it won't take anything away from your wedding. If anything, it will take away from her celebration, because people will be tired from the day before (and you won't be there).
The only thing I would have said to her is, "I got your reception invitation, and I'm really bummed it's the day after our wedding. We won't be able to make it, and we wanted to be there." Any complaining you did about it being YOUR weekend is bridezilla and unnecessary.
She's traveling "home" for your wedding, so I am assuming that "home" is not where she lives now. She's making the trip for your wedding, and decides to have a reception for those that couldn't attend her destination wedding while she's already at home, so as to save her a second trip.
Yes, I think you're being a little ridiculous about this. You get a wedding day. Not a wedding weekend. If anything, you get the evening before your wedding, and then your wedding day - and even that is kind of a stretch, but one I can understand.
If you can't attend her reception because you're leaving for your honeymoon, having a family brunch/lunch, or hosting a gift opening that's totally understandable. But, I also think it is understandable for her to have it while she is in town. (I also think she should have told you about this in person rather than just dropping an invite in the mail.)
Also, I think the bit about, "She met and married her H in a matter of 3 months," while you have been dating your FI for 2 years makes you sound a little judgmental and bitter. I seriously don't see how their time frame for marriage has any impact on the situation at hand.
Its not unreasonable to WANT your one weekend to be yours, but it is wrong.
And like PP said, we all want it to be our special whatever (I was catty about my e-ring and deleted a picture comment from a friend who said hers was exactly like mine), but what was your intention in calling her in the first place?
Somethings, if you do not want things to change, are better off unsaid and vented to someone you trust. But it seems possibly nice of her to cancel/reschedule her reception, but you'll have to think about what you wanted and if this was really it. Because with the information you've given, I don't understand what else you would have liked to have occurred from that phone call discussing why you were upset. Generally, at least the way I'm playing it out in my head, conversations would be, "I'm upset about such and such," Optimal response, "Let me rectify that for you." Less than optimal response, "Tough crap."...maybe I'm being short-sided...
Furbabies Ribby, JJ, Bella, Hunter
"your weekend" really? Are you 5?
You don't get to have a wedding weekend, you have a wedding day. You were totally unreasonable, selfish, and immature. What did HER reception have to do with you? You certainly didnt have to attend her reception so that you could continue with your pretty princess weekend. WOW
Hopefully she'll learn a lesson from this,
I do think you might have gone a bit too far. For her to come home to have a party with her friends who couldn't make it to her wedding was a big expense, and for her to change/cancel it - wow. Huge deal. And the thing is, although I know you want it to be your pretty day, your princess weekend, life goes on. It goes on around you and it goes on without you.
During the week or two before my wedding, my SIL (married to my brother) found out she was pregnant. She didn't want to tell me 'cause she didn't want to take the attention away from me, but that's sooo the opposite of how I think. For me, her happiness (and my brother's) only adds to mine, it doesn't take away from it. Life's not a competition. It's short, and we have to find happiness where it shows up. If you love your friend and are truly happy for her that she's found her Mr Right, celebrate with her. Enjoy her enjoyment.
I guess it depends on how you expressed your frustrations to her. If it was a "Hey, I've been dating 2 years and planning my wedding for a year and then you just swoop in with your shotgun wedding and tack your reception on the back of mine. What's wrong with you? I mean, don't cancel it or anything but seriously, who does that?" - then yes, that was pretty Bridezilla of you. On the other hand, if it was, "Hey, I was disappointed when I read you were having your reception on Day X- I didn't know you were planning on having one, and I'd love to be there, but obviously I can't go since we'll be leaving for our honeymoon that day," maybe she just realized that planning the reception for that day would mean you wouldn't be there and other people she was planning to see might also have other plans the day after your wedding and maybe she should pick a different day. Or she might have gotten a lot of other responses from people saying they couldn't add anything else into that weekend.
I called to talk to her about it, because it really upset me
Is it wrong to want just one weekend to be "mine" for my wedding?
Was it unreasonable or wrong for me to call and express my frustration with her?
OP wasn't concerned about her not being able to make it to her friends wedding she was pissed because it took away from HER wedding weekend~
It sounds like she doesn't live in your hometown anymore and didn't get married there. Since she probably doesn't travel back frequently, it's not illogical or incredible that she would want to host a gathering for those who didn't or couldn't travel to her wedding.
I know how it's easy to get hyper-focused on your own wedding, but you have to remind yourself that for the vast majority of your guests, once they toss the rice and see you drive away from the reception, it's over and they're moving on to the next thing.
If you don't want to go and celebrate her wedding again the day after yours, just say simply that you won't be able to make it, but you wish her well. Complaining about it just makes you look petty and self-centered.
1. It's unbiasED advice.
2. Yes, seeing how her at home reception would have no effect on your wedding, it was unreasonable of you to call her and be angry at her. If anything, people who go to your wedding might be burned out that weekend and skip her reception.
3. Finally, as Miranda Hobbes said "you get a DAY, not a week."
I won't flame you for it, I could see being slightly disappointed. We live OOT from most of our guests, so we planned activities through out the weekend and it meant a lot to me to be able to have that time with family and friends we don't normally see. A reception the day after ours would have put a damper on the quality time I had with everyone. But if you live in the same hometown and have the same friends and she is coming from OOT, maybe you should look at it as a good chance to catch up with friends more, without the pressure of your wedding. I definitely didn't get to spend as much time with people at our wedding as I would have liked to.
I think you'll also find that once the wedding is over, you'll be happy to have that one day to cherish, and will be glad that the whole thing went off without a hitch. The day after I was excited to relax a little, I definitely didn't need a whole weekend for it to be special. And really, getting married is a big deal to you and your H and people will be happy for you, but they have lives too and things are happening in their lives that are more important. We have friends who got married the same day as us in another state and friends had to choose between weddings. It sucks and we missed having them all with us, but we had a great time anyway and I wouldn't change it for the world.
I think you need to stop and re-assess why you're upset. The weekend of your wedding doesn't need to be your weekend, you're getting married and will be surrounded by people who love you. Your friend is one of those people, so be grateful she'll be there for you and try and cut her some slack. But its not like the world should stop turning just because you are getting married, KWIM?
She sent you an inviation, not a request for opinions. She can have a reception whenever she wishes. She doesn't need to clear it with you or get your permission.
So, you just called to complain to her but didn't expect her to do anything about it? What kind of crazy position did that put her in? Anyway, you got your way. She's not having the reception the day after your wedding.
It's not her job to keep you from feeling like crap about it.
You should be ashamed. For me to go home, I have to travel 20 hours. Therefore, I don't get to go home very often.
If I had a destination wedding and knew I had to be home anyways, I would have done the same thing. It's not like she made it for the day of your wedding. It's not a competition. She made it for the day after, which means it doesn't affect your wedding AT ALL. So she wanted to celebrate her marriage with people who couldn't attend her wedding? That really bugs you that much?
You owe her an apology.
Last updated 4/06/11
If it's a matter of you not being able to go because it's the day after your wedding then I can understand why you're upset. But if it's just because it's the day after your wedding, I think that's a bit selfish. It sounds like she's just trying to make things easier on everyone else. In some ways I feel like she should have given you a heads up but I wouldn't have guilted her into canceling it.
And yes, you owe her a big apology. If she had been planning it for the day BEFORE your wedding, eh, sure, I could see being upset. But the day AFTER, when your wedding is done and over?! Wow.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think your emotions got the best of you and you made a very poor decision. If I were your friend I would be extremely hurt and confused, that is, unless you normally act like a controlling brat.
Yes, weddings are special events but good friendships are priceless. Would it kill you to celebrate your friend's wedding the day after your wedding?
I would've left it at, "I'm sorry we won't be able to attend your AHR because our wedding is the night before and we're leaving for our honeymoon the next day (or insert your own reason here)." But getting on her about it to where she cancelled the whole thing was wrong.
We can't please everyone all the time, but we can't dictate their lives and don't have a say in how they plan their events, either.
You owe your friend a BIG apology.
It was unreasonable to call her and vent your frustrations about her having a reception that day after your wedding. It makes you sound selfish and like a bridezilla. You don't get the whole weekend, you get the day and even that you're sharing with hundred, possibly thousands of strangers all over the world.
Get over yourself.
What was the intention of your call then if it wasn't to have her cancel it? Make her feel guilty?
Yes, it was unreasonable and wrong to call and express your frustration with her. You should have called and expressed your regret that you wouldn't be able to attend.
Yes, it is wrong to want just one weekend to be (yours) for your wedding.
Your wedding = Her wedding