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Help me how to tell my Mom
My problem is this...
Growing up, my Mom never worked or was able to have any confidence in herself. My dad was very abusive to all of us, they divorced when I was 16. My brother, sister and I were molested by my dad's brother. I am now 37.
She relied on my Grandma to give her money, my dad hardly ever supported us kids. She relied on us kids. She sent us to the laundromat, made us clean house,cook, basically rely on us as well. She was so emotionally wrecked from my dad and wrapped up in their relationship. I never had any communication from my parents but yelling. Never told I was loved.
I was never taught to work and pay bills, get an education, any life skills. I ended up pregnant at 16 and got married at 17. I divorced at 22. I do take that on myself. I will take my own responsibility for that. But at that age, 16, she kicked me out, I had to move into a shelter, I worked and still went to school. My son was daycare, and I did receive welfare.
The whole time I was married I was abused. I got the courage to leave. I moved into a place of my own and supported myself and my son as best as i could.
I met my now husband at 24 years old, we are still together and have a daughter. I managed to finish college, I am an accountant, and my husband and I have slowly built and saved to make us a great life.
All these years that have gone by have been hard. I'm still in therapy, I take antidepressants, and I work hard to make my past not hold me back. My brother and sister haven't. They're still stuck back there. I decided for myself and my immediate family to make the best of my life.
Yeah, I still hurt from the past, I still have bad dreams all the time, but I'm not going to let it kill me.
I hated my mom for a long time, many years. But I forgave her for myself. But she hasn't changed. She's 60, barely works, has no money saved, moves from kid to kid. SO needy and reliant on other people, especially her kids.
Last year my brother kicked her out, that's a whole other story. But I took her in with her word to find a job, get an apartment of her own. She stayed with us a year and we supported her. I got fed up, and helped her get her money together, save and find an apt. I helped her move.
I wanted to do what was right, not act like her mother or be the one to save her. My brother lives close to me in the same city, all three of my sisters live in dif states.
She now drops by my house EVERY day, walks in, eats my food, brings her dog, uses my washer/dryer, watches my tv because she has no cable. Feeds her dog my dog's food/chews. I'm really sick of her. I'm disgusted with myself for being a coward to confront her. If I do she'll throw a tantrum and never speak to me again like she always does.
Before, I could care less. But I'm so tired of fighting in my family. All my siblings fight, and hold grudges. Stop talking to eachother for years. It's this cycle. I never get in the fights anymore, I usually tell everyone I will not participate. I'd rather not even talk to any of them, except I do love my nieces/nephews.
I want a relationship with my mom. But I'm tired of her depending on me as her only friend, driving her around, no privacy. She is a hard woman. Not nice. I never let her talk mean to me or my family. but I let her mooch off me. I know it's my fault.
I need advice on how to cut the strings. How to get through to a grudge holding selfish woman. I am terrified of being the one to take care of her when she can no longer work. No one else will or has helped me. It's not fair to me or my husband. I don't want my kids to think this is ok.
After a year of this, it has to stop. I'm asking for advice. I know some will be snarky. Some will know where I'm coming from. My life has been hard. I'm not perfect, just trying hard to make it healthy and raise my family right. I know this isn't helping anyone.
Church and older family members say to be a nice person, instead I feel like a doormat. And her mother. I let her get used to using me as well. How can I tell her it has to stop, with explaining she needs to take care of herself for once. She hates to hear the truth, and will twist it around.
Re: Help me how to tell my Mom
First of all, good for you for working so hard on yourself that you were able to stop the cycle of abusive relationships. Your children are so much better off for it.
Now it's time to own the rest of your life. If you cut your mother (and I use the term loosely) what do you loose but stress on yourself and your marriage, on your family, on your resources, etc. Its time to try it. Your mother is a user. If you stop her from using you now, of course she is going to throw a fit. But not because her daughter is hurting her, because her meal ticket has been revoked. And you don't deserve that.
How do you tell her? You sit down with her, and explain that she is no longer allowed at your house unless invited. That she isn't to come over unannounced or you won't open the door. As for the taking care of herself for once, leave it out. I mean this with zero snark- It isn't your business. She is a grown adult. She "knows" she has to do it, but no one has forced her.
Protect what you have worked for. Cut the negativity and chaos out of your house. Tell her she can only come over when she has been invited, PERIOD. Then stick with it. The SECOND you open that door when she just shows up, you are sunk.
I understand that you feel badly for her, but she's an adult and she's made her own choices. You aren't beholden to her.
If she stomps out and never speaks to you again because you tell her she can't mooch off of you anymore, that's her choice! You can only control yourself and your actions. If the price of having your mother in your life is allowing her free access to your home and your property while you silently fume about it, it's not worth it.
Don't tell her what you think she should do or what she needs to do to get her life on track. Just tell her what you're going to do and what you're going to allow: you're happy to see her if she calls first to set up a time. If she just shows up on your doorstep, you won't be available. Change your locks and don't give her a key.
Have you thought about just getting a new lock and not giving her the key? Are you home when she "stops by?"
Sit her down, express to her that you love and care about her, and that you don't want to lose contact, but that you're going to change the locks and that unless invited, she's not coming over. And stick to it. She might get mad, and upset and start to cry and yell and scream, and if so, just gently encourage her to leave your home and call a locksmith. And in a couple of days or so, give her a call to check up on her (do NOT invite her over at that time) and remind her that you do love her and that you want her to be okay. And don't fall victim to any other emotional guilt trips she might lay on you, either (such as requests for money, etc).
Good luck! This'll be hard, but I promise you, once you close the door behind her, you'll breathe a huge sigh of relief.
You should be very proud of yourself for coming so far. I work with kids just like you were and I know how hard it is to break the cycle. You deserve a lot of credit for doing so. You need to remember the person inside of you who did that...who had the fight....who was determined to be better.
Now is the time to find that person again, dig deep, because your mom is dragging you back down.
I do think it is odd that after all these years in therapy you thought it was a good idea to take her in, I can t beleive any therapist would think it was a good thing either. I know after all these years you are still longing for that mother daughter thing, but you are old enough and should have worked on it in therapy that it will NEVER happen. you need to face that.
I will bet my left leg that if you stand up to her and change the locks that eventually shell come back around. It actually maybe very good for you NOT to have her in your life for a while. She will be back because she is a master manipulator.
My suggestionto you is...sit her down give her the rules...(you must know exactly what you will accept) tell her you will neot have this conversation again...and if she can't follow themeven 1x you will shut her out. This way the ball is in your court and you may not feel so bad.
Change the locks on your doors. Then talk to your therapist about the best way to establish boundaries with her.
You should be so proud of yourself. A background like that is so, so hard to overcome.
I personally know how hard it is to stop wanting an abusive parent to be the parent they 'should have been' and how that desire keeps you trying with them, keeps you giving to them. Please let me assure you that I understand this better than you could possibly know.
But the reality is, she's as abusive to you as your father and former DH, the only difference is that she doesn't use her fists. She's abusing your hospitality, she's not even nice to you, and she's demanding, in effect, that you care for her.
I think you need to draw some boundaries up with your therapist, and practice - I mean role play - in therapy with him/her on how you will handle things. I really think you need to change the locks, not give her a key, and inform her you will not take care of her when she grows too old to work. Sure, she's going to be pissed. She wants you to do what is best for her, not for you.
So what if she stomps off and stops speaking to you? Will the world end? Maybe, just maybe, you'd even have a little peace and calm in your life. Might be nice, hmm? Don't worry, she'll come back, because she's dependent on you to meet her needs. But now you'll be in control, because you can say no and mean it. Which is a great skill to have.
You have kids. You have a responsibility to teach them that their mom has a spine, that they don't deserve to be a doormat, and that when people hurt you that you don't have to take it. In your case, you need to show them, not just tell them, because they are watching you be abused and be a doormat.
I'm sorry you are going through this, but for the sake of your kids (and really, do you want them to be subjected to such a despicable person all the time?) you need to 'sack up' and change the playbook.
I have a very similar mother. I have struggled for a long time to try to be the bigger person without letting her ruin my happiness and peace. I felt guilty that I was happy when she was not. I was not successful. Every time she called or visited, it made me miserable and depressed. My therapist reminded me that by being happy myself I have done nothing to take away her opportunity for happiness.
You and your mother were dealt similar hands. However, you've made drastically different choices. You made the choice to get better emotionally, financially, and physically. She made the choice to misuse the opportunities you and your siblings have given her. It's incredibly sad that she's that way, but you could have just as easily done the same thing. Instead, you made the effort to get stronger in all areas of you life. Change your lock, explain why you're cutting her off (via phone or outside your home), and give yourself time to really heal from the abuse she's donned on you.