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Priorities
My H is new to the area and I've been encouraging him to plug in to social networks in the community. He has recently become an avid fisherman. I am so happy that he has found this outlet and encourage him to continue to explore friendships and connections made through fishing, but we've come to a point where it's verging on getting out of hand.
This past weekend, for example, H wanted to go fishing all day while I did our "traditional Sunday routine" of visiting family and friends by myself. We ended up agreeing on a compromise: 1.5 hours of fishing in "our neck of the woods" and then a jaunt to my hometown. After (patiently) sitting through an hour and a half of fishing, it was time for H to follow through on his end of the bargain by visiting family. He was very reluctant, made it very clear that he didn't want to go, had a bad attitude about it, which in turn made me angry and annoyed.
We spent the rest of our afternoon walking in the park, going to dinner, and spending time in front of the TV at home. He got to go fishing and I didn't get to see my family or friends.
It left me feeling very frustrated and like my needs aren't as important as his. How do we reach a compromise? How can we prioritize our "together time" so that both of our needs are being met?
Thanks for your opinions!
Re: Priorities
Have you told him this? What did he say?
Do you do this every Sunday - spending the entire day visiting people? If so, then I'll say that perhaps your DH doesn't really want to spend one day every week visiting people.
My time off is precious to me. I do like to see friends and family, but if I had to spend an entire day EVERY week doing this, it would start to feel like a burden.
So, perhaps you need to not do this every weekend, or yes, actually, YOU need to plan on doing it alone on occasion while he fishes. I'm not saying every week - but maybe every other week. Or... who knows. But TALK to your DH and ask him about the Sunday thing. Is every week too much for him? How often would he like to do it?
Unless you have more information to tell us, just from reading this one post, it sounds like you may need to back off on the weekly visits.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It sounds like you may have been pushing DH to do what you wanted to do. Just because it has been a Sunday routine in the past, does not mean that a.) he has always enjoyed it & b.) wants to continue to do this.
I see no reason why you couldn't visit your friends & family alone and just let DH spend his free time the way he wanted to. At the end of the day, DH spent less time fishing then he would've liked and you still didn't get the chance to see friends & family and weren't happy.
I am confused on one thing. Your question about 'together time'. The rest of the day, the two of you spent together and yet, you weren't happy. 'Together' or 'Couple' time does not have to mean spending it w/others. In fact, it often means alone quality time.
Okay, to clarify--
The whole "Sunday tradition" started because a group of friends and we started watching an HBO show together. It became a social outlet and an enjoyable activity for us to do as a couple. We take turns having it at each other's places (the past two weeks have been at our place). H is a FABULOUS cook and has told me in the past how much he enjoys entertaining on Sundays and showing off his culinary skills. There have been Sundays where the get together didn't happen--it's definitely up for discussion on whether or not we participate.
I guess the main thing that bugged me about this week was that it had been "the plan" all week to go visit family (which we haven't done together in about a month) and I had no idea that it would turn into such a huge issue the day of, at the last minute.
And, another bit of insight, H goes fishing literally every spare second he has. He won't come home until after dark several times a week because he goes fishing after work. Saturdays are his "football days," which leaves Sundays the only day that we have "together."
I hope that I'm clarifying why I'm frustrated with this. I feel like I've been giving him space and independence when it comes to fishing. Am I being so unreasonable?
O.k. - thanks for the clarification. W/ that information, I do understand why you are frustrated. That was unfair of him. So- have you talked to him about it since then? Have you asked him what happened, and why you're upset? (even though, your description of how you spent the rest of the day makes it sound like you have a very nice, couple afternoon...?) What does he say?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think the above statement is really your issue here and not what happened this past weekend, which was probably the icing on the cake. Have you talked to him about the above paragraph and your feelings?
I feel like it's been an ongoing discussion... I've tried letting it roll off my shoulders since it was, after all, my idea that he get plugged into a local social outlet. And, really, truly and honestly, I am so happy that he has found something he enjoys so much. He's joined a local fishing forum and has made a few friends in this process which has made him very happy.
For some reason, it's been harder for me to just "be cool" with it this past week. Looking back on things, I suppose it could have something to do with my direct experience with the University of Texas shooting that happened last Tuesday. Maybe I'm reflecting on life/family/relationships? I dunno..just thinking out loud here...
Anyway--a couple of days ago I mentioned to him that I felt lonely during the week and feel like we aren't connecting enough. When he asked to go fishing last Thursday (which he's very good about running it by me first), I told him it was fine but that I would really like him to be home before dinner. I gave him the whole "Be home by this time or you'll be in trouble" bit and his response was "I won't be in trouble."
That night, after I had eaten dinner alone, he came home and was very apologetic for being gone so long.
I want to give and take and I'm trying to compromise, but I'm starting to feel an aversion to this whole fishing thing!
Maybe try to talk to him about everything you just posted. Really you can only tell him how you feel and it's up to him to decide how he will respond/react to you. I'd say if he was late this one time and didn't make dinner a priority, give him some slack and see how the situation improves, but if this is something that he typically does than you have a problem.
Is this typical for how he acts towards your feelings or is it a one time occurance? Could you just be overreacting because of your emotions this week? Sometimes I feel extra sensitive when I'm emotional.
He needs to know this because the choice is ultimately in his hands.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
get him an iphone so he can watch saturday football while he's fishing all day then sunday can be your together time. walla!
But on a serious note, maybe he's so passionate about his new hobby because it's new. I know that when I discover things I really like doing that I jump in with both feet at first and then I tend to back off as time goes on.
I understand your frustration and I would have been really piised thaqt he went back on his word...BUT..
He got to go fishing and I didn't get to see my family or friends.
You could have gone to see your friends! It was your choice not to leave him and go alone. You are an adult andf dont need his permission, you allowed him to be in complete control of the situation!
Does he usually get so OCD about hobbies and projects? "Spending every second" sounds a bit compulsive and I wonder if it has shown-up in other areas of his life or your life together.
If you subsituted World of Warcraft for fishing then you'd probably get all kinds of advice about boundaries and priroties from the board. People would be livid. To be honest, your follow-up posts point to a pretty big problem.
Is this really completely new?
I joined in on the fishing fun and held a pole for awhile (although I only managed to catch the hook on branches and shrubbery). The last half of the fishing trip I was just sitting at the water's edge while he actively fished. So I was there, but not fishing and certainly not waiting in the car.
I hear ya, but I wanted to spend time with him since we hadn't really seen each other all week. Again, this just goes back to the fact that I was looking forward to spending time together visiting family as we had talked about and when we reached a compromise, I followed through on my end of the deal and he ended up not wanting to follow through on his. Yes, I am an adult and yes, I COULD have gone without him---but I would rather have spent the time with him instead of going to visit family and friends by myself.
It's complicated, y'all...
This is a great, optimistic view of the situation--thank you for your positive encouragement!
Oh sorry to post twice so soon.. but this is a really good point you make? when I get a new hobby or craft I am crazy with it but after a while I get board and it trails off ? good luck with everything I hope it all works out for you.
Just wanted to keep y'all posted :-) H and I had a conversation about balancing time/making priorities and got down to the bottom of what was REALLY bugging us. We were able to come to the agreement that Sunday get togethers aren't always the best choice for leisure activities, that fishing is fine as long as it's not getting in the way of following through with promises.
Also, we've decided that we needed to find something that we can do together throughout the week so that weekend free time could be spent apart and it wouldn't be the end of the world. Our solution? Exercising!
We have a 1.65 mile route in our neighborhood that we jog/run as many nights a week as we can. Our goal is to lose 40 pounds between the two of us. It's made our evenings fun and it gets the endorphins going so that "alone time" is THAT much better (if you know what I mean :-) )
Thanks for your advice and thanks for listening!