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Nana vs Nanny
Hi Ladies!
My hubby and I are starting the pre-baby talk, very exciting! One of our issues is how to tell his parents that we would like to have our own childcare provider instead of his mom watching our baby. Inlaws are pumped about grandkids, and have been saying they'll watch them for as long as we have even been together! SIL and MIL live within 1 mile of each other, and MIL watches her baby 5 days a week. SIL is due with 2nd nephew in Dec, so that's already 2 babies under 3 for MIL to watch. We will be living about 25 minutes away, and I prefer someone to come to our home. Plan to work 2 12hr shifts a week.
We aren't sure how to decline on the childcare offer without hurting feelings. The logistics are not workable, and I think 3 babies under 3 is...whoa for anyone, even an experienced mama like MIL. Any suggestions would be appreciated!!
Re: Nana vs Nanny
Pretty simple.
First, do not have a discussion before hand. If you are grown-up enough to have your own kids, then you do not need their permission. IF they bring up the babysitting issue before the baby is born, DH replies, "Mom, the baby isn't even born yet, we don't know what we are going to do until it actually happens."
Repeat every single time.
Then, after the baby is born and you are ready to do back to work, hire your babysitter*** and go to work. When (cause you know it will happen) your MIL makes her comment, have DH tell her that while he loves and appreciates the offer, this is what he feels works best for his family.
And again, do not explain more than that, because anytime you offer up facts, the other person can always come up with a counter. So dont even give her that opportunity.
But the thing is, your DH has to take lead and ensure that MIL recognizes that HE agrees with this.
***Try not to use the term Nanny, since this is not going to be someone who comes every day.
It's a bridge I wouldn't burn.
I would just point out that you plan to have someone come into your home and do some "light housekeeping" as well as childcare. I would also say I appreciate her offer for those times when the nanny can't make it. It's always best to have a plan B, especially if you can't offer full time employment.
*I don't object to the term nanny as used to designate someone who has specialized training in the care of young children. An RN is still a nurse whether she works a 40 hour week or a single 12 hour shift in a week. I do object to calling some random girl down the street who is unfit for other positions a nanny.*
(note to self, drink coffee before posting).
My reasons behind the term go towards the connontation of Nanny. Most people think of live ins who practically raise the kids for very busy parents (Mary Poppins).
If you are already worried about how Granny is going to feel about not sitting, using THAT term for her "replacement" might not go over well.
Thanks for the input ladies! I hope that everyone will be happy with the end result.
I babysat through college and was called a "babysitter" except for one family. I picked the kids up from school, tutored, cleaned, cooked, shopped...they called me nanny, I called myself crazy.
By and large, I agree w/ Illumine. Don't discuss this w/ her ahead of time, and when you do have to tell her, do NOT go into a long explanation of how a nanny will work better for you.
And yes, your DH needs to take the lead on this.
I agree w/ you, too. 3 under 3 is a LOT. And as excited as your MIL may be, she may even come to realize she signed on for too much.
As for nanny vs. sitter, I see a "nanny" as someone who consistently comes to work for us. Our nanny only comes 6 days out of every 15, but she's more than a "sitter" to us. A sitter, to me, is the person I call up to watch him sporadically when we want a night out.
And it's interesting, someone said your MIL might be upset to hear a "nanny" is watching your child over a sitter, but my reaction is kind of different. I see a nanny as beign more vested in our childs life than a sitter and would find more comfort in a nanny than a sitter.
But- obviously, everyone has different reactions to these 2 terms!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
They need to keep it about them, what works for THEM. They live 25 mins away. They want someone to come to them. I think that's easy enough right there. "We're going to hire a nanny to come to our home. It's what works best for us and our commute.". Period.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
In my experience this doesn't work. We WANT it to work, but it doesn't. And people, especially parents, do NOT like when you decide what's best for them. Its a no-win argument to say "We're saving you the touble" when they counter with "No need. No trouble. I want to it." No win. In fact it then gets messy and uncomfortable when you then have to justify your position by saying she can't handle the load, she's incapable, etc. Ugh. Not good at all.
And as much as a ripping off a bandaid is one swift motion that hurts for a second but quickly feels better - telling a would-be grandmom that you don't want her to provide child care (when she deserately wants to) is just reckless. She won't feel better right after you break the news, in fact she'll probably launch a campaing to get you to change your mind. A campaign that will last all thru your TTC, all thru your pregnancy, and up until the new child care provider shows up.
Actions speak louder than words. Do not discuss it before, tell her you appreciate her offer but are keepign your options open and then hire you want when the time comes. Then tell her AFTER the fact.
It's easy to argue with somebody who's making assumptions about what you can and can't or will and won't do; it's impossible to argue with someone who is stating what s/he is going to do.
Don't lie and postpone the conversation; don't tiptoe around the issue; be direct and simple. "Mom, we love you, and we want you to have a special place in our child's life, but using you for our daycare provider is not going to work for our family and our commute. We'll find other times and other ways you can be with this baby."
I guess I'm thinking of my own mom here who, once making the offer, would ask nonstop until I gave her an answer. Then she would get huffy about the delay and ask, "When did you make this decision? I offered months ago..." Personally, I'm all for not delaying the conversation. To each his own.
Sorry, duplicate post.
Why have this conversation when you really and truely do not know what you are going to do? The OP IS NOT EVEN PREGNANT YET!
Who knows, the OP may want to stay at home or between now and then has a totally and different job where she needs to work every day and they come up with another option all together.
Telling her that the decision is a moot point right now is pretty much staying on track.
She seemed pretty decided to me that this would be their decision when it came time for it. If she changes her mind, that's an entirely different thing. I was just saying that for this particular set of circumstances, I would not blow her MIL off when she asks. If she's made up her mind, answer truthfully. If not, do exactly as you suggested and say "haven't decided yet."
I hope this doesnt' happen, but what if it takes them years to conceive? Or what if they end up not being able to have kids at all? Or they move? Or something else happens that makes this a moot issue?
Why hurt her feelings NOW when you don't know what the future will bring?
Heck, what if circumstances change such that she is no longer watching the other 2 kids and they move closer to her and end up wanting to use her? But when they tell her this, it brings up the old hurt and she says "No, I'd rather not. I wasn't good enough before, I'm not good enough now.".
There are a lot of variables that can change things and there is no need to hurt her now when it's not a reality yet.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sorry, I must not be writing clearly today. If/When baby is conceived and MIL asks, then I would answer. I never meant to imply they should bring this up out of nowhere right this minute even if MIl never offers. Who knows, maybe the MIL will think on her own "Three babies? No way!" Then they never need to have this conversation.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yeah, I'm with ECB.
I personally would feel less hurt with a nanny over a babysitter. A babysitter, for me, holds kind of an impersonal tone. Like it's just some neighborhood teenager who needs a few extra bucks. A nanny would be more of a permanent position or a person you rely on solely for in home childcare. So I'd probably call her a nanny.
I would bring up the issue the first time MIL mentions watching the baby when you're pregnant. Maybe she won't bring it up at all because she's watching 2 kids for SIL. Or maybe she'll feel like she has to offer to be fair. But the first time she brings it up when you're expecting, I would say, "You know, it is so nice of you to offer to do that for us. But we've decided we're going to employ a nanny on those days. The convenenience of having someone at the house will be nice for us and baby will be in his/her own surroundings. But you are so kind to offer!"
I agree with PPs. Don't make it sound like you're helping her out because she'll be overburdened with 3. She'll deflect (if she really wants to watch the baby). Make it all about you and what you want for the baby.
I had my mom watch my daughter until she was 2. After about age 1, I noticed my daughter had become spoiled, a social phobic, man disliking, insecure, clingy toddler. As soon as I had her with someone that had her with other kids and interacting, her whole little person blossomed and grew. I had to get so frustrated and upset that I had to put my foot down and do what was best for her.
Even my mom said it was the best thing for her. Not that I didn't love knowing she was completely protected with just my mom to watch her, but I would defintely if to do all over again (which I can't since my mom's passed and his mom lives out of country), make it all about child and grammy time vs a daily/weekly experience.
Good luck!
Speak sweetly so that if you ever have to eat your words, they don't taste bad.
~Unknown~
Lesson learned!!
To touch on this, and what other people said similarly, I'd emphasize the 'I want you to be grandma" part as well.
In the interest of full disclosure, starting in just over a week, my parents and ILs will each be babysitting my daughter 1 day a week (nothing like finding out on week 4 of maternity leave that the babysittinga rrangements fell through)...but they won't be doing it forever.
I've explained it to my parents...I want them to be able to be grandma and grandpa and spoil the kids and have the sort of relationship that I had w/ my grandparents--the ones that never told us 'no' if they could avoid it, bought us to many toys, took us for motorcycle rides, let us jump on the bed,and fed us bottomless ice-cream-sundaes for supper. And they can do that for my daughter...but they CAN"T do that for her 3 days a week. It'd turn her into a brat and be bad for her--and them. They CAN do that for her one day a month...(all of which is hypothetical, at 6 weeks old, she can't eat ice-cream sundaes or go on the back of the motorcycle yet :_P)
Grandma who is also 'daycare' is a very different relationship than grandma who is only grandma. You may be protecting something really important.
This is so true. My MIL was the full-time daycare provider for my nephew and niece, and it got very tough on her. When DH and I started TTC, MIL flat-out told us that she was out of the daycare business.
It's saved all of us some tensions and friction, and it's made my in-laws' relationship with my children way more relaxed than their relationship with SIL's kids.