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feel like an awful wife...a long vent
Ugh! Lately I have felt like the worst wife. When we first got married, we moved and I was unemployed for several months. It was awful because we were struggling so much financially and DH was having to work ALL of the time. So I was in a new place, with no family or friends, and stuck at home all of the time. But on the flip side of all of that negative, my house was spotless. Dinner was on the table when DH got home from work, the laundry was done, the shopping was done, I learned to cook and found that I really love it. I was able to workout with DH, etc. Being a housewife was awesome.
While I was looking for work, we discussed me getting a part time job (since I couldn't find anything at the time we figured this would be an easier gig to get). Well I ended up getting what sounded like a dream job and it was offered to me for full time. The financial burden was lifted! We were able to pay our bills, and slowly start saving for a house (we don't want to have to rent forever). But this job is a nightmare. It is nothing like I was orginally offered. I work late every night and then even have to take stuff home at night and on weekends. I never have time for anything. My house is always a wreck, we never have clean clothes, I never have time to grocery shop or cook. I feel like garbage all of the time. I have dark circles under my eyes, never can workout, since I never have time to cook - we aren't eating that great. I just feel like I can't get it together. DH works long hours so he is worn out when he gets home too - he helps as much as he can but the thing is neither one of us ever has time for anything. We try to use what little free time we do have to spend together doing something fun (so our marriage doesn't fall apart) but that means the house is still dirty, the shopping still isn't done...I just don't know how working wives (and esp. working moms) do it! I cannot seem to get my feet under me and get in a good routine and find balance.
I have tried to talk to my boss about being overloaded but all I get are "I'm sorry you feel that way" and empty promises that "things will get better eventually". I want to quit but we can't afford it - and its not an option in this job to go to part time. I have been looking else where but there is nothing open right now. I hate talking about this with DH because his response is "well I will work more so you can stay home" and he already works so much. Ok - I know this is the longest thing ever, I just had to get it out! Thanks if you read the whole thing!!
Re: feel like an awful wife...a long vent
When you say that nothing is open right now in the PT job market, does that include jobs like Target, Walgreens etc? Just something to pay the bills?
If you're really feeling that bummed about what that job is doing to you, I would start applying anywhere and everywhere to get out as soon as possible.
Everything that Karen said. I got an email last week from Michael's stating they're hiring, Factory Card Outlet/Party City has signs all over and on tv that they are as well. This is also the time of year most retailers are hiring seasonal staff (which can often turn into a permanent position)--not just cashiers but stockers and display people too.
If you're not into retail, have you thought about doing inventory for RGIS or doing regular temp work through Kelly (sp) or another staffing agency?
You're not sounding whiney at all! You sound bummed, and it's okay to be bummed when you're overloaded at a job you don't like and don't have time for the things you want to do! Sorry if my answer came off as cold, or something, that wasn't my intent!
But seriously, if you have a choice between being overloaded a job you don't like, and being able to get by with a mundane job that will allow you to do the things you want to do... by all means... make that choice for yourself! I worked at a job for a year that almost killed me with stress and I have suffered from anxiety since then. I hate seeing people in really sucky work situations when they have the choice not to be.
As for "wifely duties..." We don't do "wifely duties" at our house. We divide and share housework. A lot of times we do housework together (such as laundry or dusting), or take a divide and conquer task. If you're working long hours during the workweek, the last thing you're going to want to do on the weekend is dedicate a day to cleaning, so try doing one small cleaning task every day. (Both of you.) Make a schedule if it helps.
Thanks ladies. I will look into some of those options.
@Munkii - thats what I meant, household duties. We share things in my house and trust me I am fine with that. I do feel guilty about not being able to do more bc DH works 13-14hrs a day, 6 days a week.
Exactly, he should be paying you or absolutely do not bring work home. You need to give yourself a break. After college I thought I had my "dream job" because the pay was awesome....but I was miserable, eating like crap, crying all the time, headaches, breaking out into hives, drinking fruity alcoholic beverages way more than I should....and my place was a mess. I finally just had to quit for my sanity... You do not sound whiney at all, I know how you feel. Just start applying for jobs and try your best to get out of there. You should not feel guilty....at all.
Karen and Munkii summed up almost all I wanted to say. I will add, is a house cleaner something you could fit in your budget? I have been looking into getting one myself because I know I love my house to be clean but would rather not spend every Saturday cleaning. I would be willing to give up eating out on a Friday night or going to a movie over the weekend to have someone else do the cleaning work. It's just a thought. Also, as far as cooking is concerned, I meal plan and love it. It saves so much time during the week. I sit down on Sunday, plan our menu for the week and do our grocery shopping. Every night when I get home from work, either my husband or myself cook what was planned for the night and then the opposite person does the dishes. Don't know if any of these ideas would work for you but I find that if I organize my time (whether it be on cleaning, cooking or laundry), things go more smoothly and feel less stressful.
Oh, and I also bribe myself. Like if I get (fill in the blank) done, then I can get a pedicure or spend $20 on a piece of clothing. It's ok to reward yourself!
I totally know where you are coming from. When I was unemployed, I loved being able to do all the cleaning, laundry, errands, and cooking while DH was at work and that way we could both enjoy relaxing evenings and weekends together without having to worry about all that.
But ditto PP's, you should not feel guilty that you can't do all that ! You are both working long hours at stressful jobs, and neither of you has time to take care of the house. Don't feel like should fall on you!
And Nicole took many of the words right out of my mouth! I was going to suggest looking into a house cleaning service as well. If finances aren't too tight anymore, it could be something that would make life a lot easier for the both of you and be well worth it.
Also, organizing what you need to do is a huge help! Try doing one task each night. Cleaning one room, or doing one load of laundry, per night is a lot less daunting than a whole house.
But it sounds like your job is eating you alive. While those ideas could help, it doesn't sound like it will solve your whole problem. Retail/part-time positions may be starting to hire for the holiday season. Look into that! And if you are able to get something, take the time to look for a new permanent job.
::hugs:: and good luck!
I agree with pretty much everything everyone has already said, but wanted to stress what amyngreg pointed out - you are both incredibly busy and sometimes things just don't get done. That is ok. No one is going to die if your house is dusty or there are dishes in the sink. I'm glad to see that DH is helping you, our house would always be a disaster if DH wasn't helpful.
I also do something similar to what amyngreg said. I'll pick one thing to accomplish after work (even as simple as cleaning the junk mail off of the kitchen table). It makes me feel like I accomplished something and it keeps things from piling up so much that I can't deal. It only takes 5 minutes to sort through a stack of junk or dust the livingroom and I always feel better when it is done.
I try to make a few dishes a week that will last us more than one night. Sometimes, if I'm really bored on the weekend, I'll cook ahead. But it is ok to grab take out if you just don't have the energy. Or keep the things in the house you need for a simple meal - DH and I tend to just grill some chicken or steak (that I have ready to roll by doing a Costco run once a month to make sure our freezer is stocked) and have that with a salad. Dinner is ready in 15-20 minutes...faster than driving to a restaurant or fast food place.
Most importantly, don't beat yourself up! You're human, you're busy, life happens. It seems you are holding yourself to a bar that unattainable by someone without super-human abilities. No one else expects you to work crazy hours, keep a perfect house, make gourmet meals, and exercise like an athlete - you shouldn't either.
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Right now I'm working from home, so I try to take care of a lot of household things while I'm working (laundry, running the dishwasher, etc) but this is what I did when I was working full time and DH and I split the household stuff evenly:
Start out by making a list of all of the household tasks you need to do (i.e. dust, vacuum, wash dishes, clean bathroom). You can even break down the bigger jobs like cleaning the bathroom into smaller jobs: windex mirror, wash sink, clean tub, clean toilet, etc. Or break down the laundry into washing/drying clothes, folding clothes, putting away clothes, etc. Then sit down with your DH and go through the list and decide who will do what. For instance, my DH always dusts the tops of the ceiling fans because he can reach them lol, and I always vacuum cause I don't mind it and he HATES it. Try to make it even between the two of you, and for the jobs that NEITHER of you want to do (clean the toilet, anyone... anyone?) you alternate them. Then download a monthly calendar in Word and color code the tasks- red = you, blue = DH, and other colors for the alternating tasks, green for you one week, yellow for DH the next week. Then plug them into the calendar depending on how often you need them done. So, if every Monday night you Windex the bathroom mirror and vacuum the living room, it won't take you much time (15 mins maybe??), and won't overwhelm you either. Also, if you keep up with things, then stuff shouldn't get as dirty and therefore won't take as long to clean as if you only cleaned the bathroom once a month, for example (washing the sink takes a brief wash as opposed to an in-depth scrubdown).
It will take you a bit of time in the beginning to make your task schedule, and you may have to do a little bit of rearranging, but once you find out what works for you, you can just keep printing pretty much the same calendar every month. Hang it on the fridge or somewhere you'll both see it and can take care of your daily jobs. I promise you, it will help A LOT and you'll feel a lot less overwhelmed when you break it down into small tasks.
When I first started at the hospital, it was like that. It was the holidays, and we were crazy understaffed, and I was new and trying to prove myself- we had just gotten married, and I was working sometimes 9 days straight.
What helped- Hiring an occasional housekeeper- stick to basics like floors, bathrooms and kitchen, and only when it's nasty- it's not so expensive that way. We simplified food- bought a salad spinner that stays full, and discovered things like pre-cooked chickens and a pressure cooker, which cooks beans in no time.
Bottom line- give it a rest! you can't be a full time employee and stay at home wife. Find shortcuts- you'll be fine! So will he!