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ML & Christmas Plans
I am hoping I am not the only woman that experiences this problem with their ML but here it is...
My family and my husbands family take turns with us spending Christmas with them (both my family and my husbands family live away from us). This year, we were supposed to spend Christmas with my husbands family, but his mother now has to work on Christmas so we decided to stay here. Next Christmas we are supposed to go and spend Christmas with my parents, but now my ML wants us to spend it with her next year cause it works better for her. I told my husband no, and he agreed.
What makes it bad though is that my husband works every christmas so we usually go and visit our families a week or so after christmas cause then he can get the time off. Well, his parents planned this big family vacation for next year, and guess when the plan to go? Next Christmas when we are supposed to spend it with my parents and when my husband cannot get the time off. ( I told my husbands parents that the best time for all of us to go would be after christmas, probably in March, but they decided on Christmas anyways). When my husband told his parents that he had to work that Christmas, they said, "well try and make it work"
My question is, what should I do and how should I handle this? Has anyone had this problem before, if so, how did you go about it? The root of the problem is that my ML is a MAJOR control freak and wants everything done when and how she wants it and we are just to conform, but I cannot live the rest of my marriage like this. Any advice would be awesome 
Thank you everyone
K
Re: ML & Christmas Plans
Very simple. Say, "we will try." That implies no commitment. Later, say, "sorry, we could not make it work."
You are asking people here for advice. I consider that "trying." Continue with your plans as usual and just let her think you are doing more. Remember, once you get married, your H, you, and any children in your house are your new family. Extended family is still important, but those under your roof are a priority.
I get that the "Christmas here this year/Christmas there next year" pattern seems logical and easy, but there's going to be years when it just won't work out. On those years, you can either 1) go to the other parent's Christmas party or 2) do you own thing.
It sounds like Christmas with the families won't work out for the next two years (...am I reading that right)? Time to start your own traditions.
Based on your post I am guessing that you are now staying home THIS Christmas and not seeing either yours or his parents.
If that is the case, and your parents are expecting you next year, then I would stick with the original plan. IF, on the other hand, you are seeing your parents this year, then I think you should just "trade" years and go see the in-laws next Christmas.
I'm confused with respect to the vacation plans. The in-laws are planning a family trip and you want to go with them so you are trying to have them plan it when you are available, but she didn't, so now you have to go when she says so at Christmas? Easy solution: go on vacation by yourselves when it is convenient. Skip the family trip. I stopped vacationing with my parents around the age of 18.
Bonus: if she's out of the country next Christmas, how can you possibly be expected to celebrate Christmas with her? It's the perfect answer.
Married Bio
The bigger question here is where exactly does your DH fall in all of this? His mom is a control freak - but as long as the two of you are on the same page, it doesn't ahve to be a huge deal.
Even if he says he's on the same page, does HE firmly deal w/ his mom? Or is he wishy washy because he's afraid of upsetting her? If it's the latter, that's a problem.
really, this is a situation that your DH needs to handle. He needs to tell his mom "We will be spending next year w/ her family as planned, and as I already told you, I have to work and we will not be able to go on the family trip.".
She says "well, try", all he has to say is "o.k.". Then when it cmoes up again and if they act like you all are going, your DH just says "As I told you, I have to work". She says "WEll, I told you to try to make it work". he says "I did, and it won't work.".
Dont' argue, explain, etc.
But if your DH does want to conform, or is at least afraid to out and out say "no", then this will continue to be a problem.
She does all of this because she can and probably because usualyl it works. You all just have to stand strong on what your plans are.
But, I will add, be careful about being too firm on not switching years up (like why can't you go see your family this year and then see his next?). I get it that you dont' want to give in to her, but on the flip side, what happens when it's your family that something comes up and to not move things around means you won't spend Christmas w/ them for 3 years (which really, this is what it means for your DH. Last year was your family, this year at home, next year your family.). So... just keep that in mind.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
About the ILs family vacation next Christmas: don't go, seriously. They didn't consider your schedule so you don't need to feel guilty about not going. Tell them: "Sometimes we'll be able to join you for vacation, but not always. Have fun!"
Really, though, I want to stay home all Christmases and maybe sometimes have visitors. There are just way too many expectations. I'd rather visit with family in an off-season time. You can make up your own rules. And you can say: "You know, this switching years with ILs has become too much of a trouble. We're going to stay home this year (or next) and find another time to visit." Because in all honesty, your MIL is making it difficult, and I think her planning their family vacation already for next Christmas is a way to try to trap you into spending next Christmas with them. Trust your gut and take back control of your life. Just my two cents.
Eastcoast has a really good point. You don?t want to look unfair but having to change holiday plans when your family has a scheduling issue. I hope everything works out for you
This. There comes a time that you will want to make your own traditions, your children opening presents under their own tree in their own home.
If your husband's mom has to work on Christmas, can you go see your family this year?
I agree that it is going to be hard to stand firm on the plans because you never know what's going to happen. I wouldn't miss out on spending time with any family at all just because you're trying to be fair. I would go to your family again this year and next year plan on going to see his family.
In terms of the vacation, I think it's really crappy that your MIL is purposely planning a vacation during a time that she knows is not convenient to her own son. It honestly sounds a little manipulative. I would just lay it out on the table and let her know now that no, you can't go, and if she still plans it then you will miss seeing her on Christmas. I would stress that you want to spend time with her on christmas but you absolutely cannot go on a vacation during that time... if she still plans the vacay then SHE is the one choosing not to see you guys since you have told her the situation.
Isn't spending holidays with parents and grandparent a great tradition.
What was controling about MIL saying "well try".
If it's your turn to be with your parents than be with them if ML doesnt understand oh well to be for her.
Why are you so worried about Christmas 2011.
Do you really know if H might be able to get off in Dec 2011 things do change..
The best idea is to switch.
Go to your parents' house THIS Christmas,
go to DH's parents' house or family vaca next Christmas.
And about this:
>>My question is, what should I do and how should I handle this?
You don't. The issues with your husband's mother will be handled by your husband because she's HIS mother. And he can do this quickly, with class, so that you aren't all bound up about anything to do with his family. That's an important way that he should show his love for you.
It's not always so easy to say "switch years." If there are multiple married siblings (don't know if this is OP's case or not), some families are on the "every other Christmas" schedule with all the kids. Switching years may mean that she doesn't see her siblings/nieces/nephews.
And some people are in jobs where they already know they won't be able to take off for a holiday a year in advance. Several of my friends in the nursing profession are in that position; they know if they're off one Christmas, they'll be on the next Christmas unless they change jobs. It's not inconceivable that someone could know already that they won't be able to take time off a year or more in advance.
It does sound like your MIL is being manipulative by putting this vacation at a time when you two told her it wasn't going to work for you, but that's her choice. An invitation isn't a subpoena. If she insists on having it at X time, and you can't make it, then it's her choice not to have you present.
This may be a good time for you and your husband to revisit how you spend your holidays. Rotating every other year may not be what you want to continue doing, or you may be at a stage in your family's life where you need the ability to be flexible on a yearly basis.
I am really confused.
You say your MIL has to work on Christmas, so you can't go this year. But, you say you never go for Christmas, you go the week or so after Christmas. So, which is it? Is it that she couldn't take the week after Christmas off this year? I find the whole thing very confusing.
I would switch the years, if possible. Go to your parents this year (if the siblings' schedules aren't a factor). Or, visit your ILs a couple weeks before or after Christmas. Or go on the vacation next year, but then go visit your parents in March like you were planning for the ILs.
I guess I don't understand the big deal, since Christmas day itself isn't a factor here. If you're not celebrating Christmas on Christmas anyway, why does it matter which day you celebrate the fake Christmas?