Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Clicky poll about Christmas
My mom's family is Jewish, but her birthday is on Christmas. Dh's family celebrates Christmas and we're raising DS to observe Christmas. My mom thinks we should rotate families every year, with one on Tgiving and one on Christmas. I think coming down a day or two after christmas to celebrate her bday is adequate. (For thanksgiving, we currently either rotate or host and invite both families.)
Other than the reason that DH and I should do for the holidays what we think is appropriate, and that families will never be happy (at least not mine), what do you find "fair"?
[Poll]
Re: Clicky poll about Christmas
Does your mom think you should rotate (insert important Jewish holiday here)? I am guessing no.
Adult birthdays are not particularly noteworthy. She needs to get over herself.
O.k. - knowing a few people w/ b-days on or around x-mas (my dad is the 22nd, a friend is the 26th), I have a little sympathy for your mom.
I voted celebrate w/ your IL's because big picture, I do think X-mas trumps b-day. And w/ kids, x-mas is largely about them.
However, I would say throw your mom a bone and perhaps on the milestone b-days, perhaps spend it w/ her.
People w/ b-days around x-mas (regardless of their religion) have always had their b-day overshadowed. My friend didn't have a real b-day party until she was 36! We were w/ her and she said "This is the first real b-day celebration I've ever had!".
It's kind of sad! Yes, to a degree, your mom needs to get over it. But also think about it, if your b-day had ALWAYS been overshadowed by something else, it would suck. Even as an adult, it would suck.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
How far do you live from each other? I'm assuming not far since you said you sometimes invite both families (which is how we do it). If you're close, I see no problem with celebrating Christmas DAY with the inlaws and then the weekend before or after for your mom's birthday. For milestone birthdays, maybe you can celebrate Christmas Eve with the inlaws and then the actual day with your mom.
BFP #1 - 11/16/10 CP 12/1/10
BFP #3 Chart
Also, how is she about x-mas in general? My DH and IL's are Jewish, but they've all come to my parents house for X-mas anyhow. Would she like to be w/ you all on x-mas, even if she doesn't celebrate?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
She probably wouldn't want to celebrate Christmas with my in-laws. Everyone gets along, but she isn't a fan of mixing families for holidays. She'll do it for my DS's birthday, but she likes to otherwise keep things apart -- a comfort level, I guess.
My entire childhood and until I was married, we made a giant deal out of her birthday because our family didn't celebrate christmas and she always said she was shafted when she was a kid. Now that I have my own family though, I love celebrating christmas with them and it's very important to DH. His family doesn't really ask for much in the way of holidays. And to be honest, I don't even really know the exact date of their birthdays -- we just celebrate when everyone is able to on a weekend.
We've tried doing both a few times. DH's family celebrates Christmas morning, so we've tried visiting my mom after that. But traveling on Christmas sucks. The traffic is twice as bad where we live, and it's often snowing. Every time that we do it (we did it for her last milestone birthday), I say that I'm never doing it again.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
While Christmas is a Christian holiday, it's also the day when people are off for "holiday time." I don't know what Jewish people do on Christmas in general, but I do know some who make a point to go to the movies, go out for Chinese food as a family, so it's still a "family day" even though it's not celebrated as a "Christian day." Like Thanksgiving, I guess. Everyone has off from school, etc.
If you went to see your mom, would/could you celebrate the birth of Jesus there? As Christians, you should be comfortable with the way you celebrate the religious holiday as well - - going to church, having Santa visit, etc. Would you make a point to visit your mom for one of the nights of Chanukkah? Or is it just that she wants "MY (her) day, meaning her birthday?" If that is the case, I'd only go for the milestones. So at the most once every 5 years.
That being said, I spend Christmas morning at MY home with MY kids. No ILS, no parents. I do visit my parents later in the day, when the "family" (our family) part is over. Maybe spend the morning with your child, and then go to your moms or your ILS in the afternoon?
Celebrate Christmas with your son and your ILs most years.
Grown up birthdays are not a big hairy deal excepting a few milestones like 60, 60, etc. In the real world most adult birthdays that do get celebrated are celebrated on a weekend evening to make it convenient for those who work. It isn't rair for your mother to comendeer her birthday because it happens to be when most of the world is home from work.
She's being unreasonable. I have a friend whose DH is a Christmas baby. In deference to him, they celebrate Christmas on Christmas eve through lunch time and then switch to DH's birthday.
We live in one state, our families both live in another (where we used to live before we moved away). So when we go "home" for the holidays, we see both sides. We spend Christmas Eve with DHs family and Christmas Day with mine.
We do Thanksgiving at our own house, just the four of us, so no rotating with that is possible.
For us, this is the best solution. DH isn't thrilled because he'd like to see his extended family, but 1) he understands that this is the only way we get to see all of our immediate family (if we did Xmas Eve with my family, we would never see my sister and her kids as they spend that night with my BILs family), and 2) he does get Easter with his entire family every year (my girls and I are Jewish, as are my parents, and my mom's family doesn't really celebrate anyway).
As for birthdays, they are a big deal in my family. But not a "travel here to see me" big deal. More of a "make sure you send a card and call that day" sort of thing. My mom's birthday is the week after Christmas. Obviously, we're not still visiting and I'm not coming back after just getting home, so I haven't seen her on her birthday in at least seven years and she's fine with that. I wish her happy birthday before we leave after Christmas, and make sure to call on the actual day.
I'm a Christmas baby- it bothered me when I was a kid (combo birthday/ Christmas cards and gifts, it was hard to have a b-day party with everyone going to see their families for the holiday, etc. etc.) But in all honesty- by the time I hit middle school, I was over it and I actually love having my birthday over the holiday.
So my vote is to spend Christmas making holiday traditions with your little one and seeing your mom a few days before or after. I would be willing to do something on big milestone birthdays like celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve and then spend her actual birthday with her- but in all honesty, if she wants a lot of people (friends, family, etc.) over for some kind of milestone birthday celebration, she's probably going to have to do it a few days before or after anyway. And I'm not saying that just because her birthday is on Christmas- it's rare for us to celebrate anyone's "big" birthday or anniversary or whatever on the actual date simply because if it falls on any day but Friday or Saturday, a lot of people probably wouldn't be able to make it. That's not "poor me, my b-day's on a holiday..."- that's life.
This exactly. I think a phone call on christmas morning to wish your mom a happy birthday is all that is needed.