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The guilt of distancing yourself?
My mother & I do not have a good relationship. It's not so horrible that I want to cut her out completely but it's definitely beneficial for me to keep my distance because over the years, it's getting more difficult to deal with her. The final straw came a couple months ago & since then, I've really made the decision to have only a civil relationship with her but nothing beyond that.
Unfortunately, for all of our problems & the resentment I feel for her, I still feel bad for hurting her. I don't like her, I don't respect her but I do love her b/c she is my mom. I think she's feeling the complete disconnect between us and part of her problem is she fails to see what she does to people then she gets hurt, confused & angry not understanding why I rarely speak to her, why she doesn't know what's going on in my life, etc.
Now she & my sister are in to it and suddenly she's emailing me more (which she never does) and I'm starting to feel guilty and sad. But I refuse to put up with her treatment any longer.
Does the guilt get less over time? Is there any way you learned to deal with it?
Re: The guilt of distancing yourself?
It was my ILS, not my parents, but the guilt got less over time - for me and for dh. Sometimes he even forgot about his dad's b'day, etc.
He did not miss the drama. In fact, he recently reunited with certain family members, and it was instant drama.
Thank you for posting this. I'm going through the same thing as you and considered posting here, but didn't have the courage.
I wish I had some solid advice to give you. However, I do believe that, as an adult, it is ok not to like your mother. You can love her because she is your mother, but that doesn't mean you have to be best friends with her.
If you come across good techniques for dealing with this, please let me know!!
I could have written your post--except I have no siblings.
I'm not sure how to answer your question about whether the guilt lessens with time...for me, I feel like it ebbs and flows. It's been a long process for me, but gradually, I think I've been better about not taking on her crap and getting it through my skull that she is where she is because of decisions that she made (and continues to make) and that I can't be responsible for that.
I don't know if it ever stops being hard, but I guess it does get easier as long as you keep reminding yourself that she packed her bags, and she has to carry them.
This is what I've been doing lately & it helps a little. Until the next wave of guilt, at least.
Thanks ladies. Just knowing others understand what this is like helps some, too.
I did it with my dad due to his alcoholism. It took me years to gather the strength to say to myself that I was not okay with what he was doing and I was not going to initiate contact. He died 6 months after I came to this decision. That was 10 years ago.
I still feel some guilt. There's been plenty of emotion and rationalization over the years, largely I don't think about it anymore.
I don't know how I'd feel if he was still alive. Guilt is the worst.
As many others, I too can relate. My mom passed away almost 3 years ago and we had a very strained relationship because she was very dependant and lived with me for 5 years. Things were improving in her life and our relationship when she passed toward the last year, but now she's gone and the guilt lingers honestly because you can't take things back once its over.
I also have this same drama with a couple of individuals from family. It's gotta be genetic that skipped me or something. lol. I go in spells of where I want to try and so forth because I do miss how close we were when I was a kid and didn't notice their unhealthy mind games. I think both sides have been hurt and it probably has gotten misconstrued in both of our minds along the way. But I have a hard time accepting people's victim behaviors and really unintentionally and subconsciously have distanced them from my life.
The biggest loser in it all though, are any kids we have. How do we tell them because we are stubborn and selfish they missed out on a grandparent or other family for that matter?
Speak sweetly so that if you ever have to eat your words, they don't taste bad.
~Unknown~
Lesson learned!!
DH has distanced himself from certain members of his family (MIL, sister, and half-brother/SIL) and although it is the best thing for everyone, he still feels guilty. He will often make comments about it, or say, "I wonder if I should call my sister? Nah, it will just lead to more crap....but I wish I wanted to call her and I wish things would be normal."
We constantly go back and forth with this issue, and I don't think it will ever be 100% resolved. That is hard for me to accept, as the spouse, but it also makes things hard on my husband. When he feels guilty and calls someone in his family, he feels better for a day or two. Then they start calling him asking for favors, money, etc....and it goes right back to toxic in about two seconds flat.
I wish I had the magical answers!
I don't really have advice for you but can empathize with what you are going through. Due to family circumstances I choose to distance myself from my parents. I do feel waves of guilt now and again but whenever I see them or talk to them I am reminded of why I chose to distance myself. Whenever you feel guilty just remind yourself of specific examples of why you choose to distance yourself.
I will be having a child soon and it will be their first grandchild. I have some anxiety as I know they are really excited and am not sure what their expectations are in regards to how often they will see LO. I know I dictate how much interaction we have with the parents but also feel guilty about limiting interaction with granchild and grandparents. I am hoping they will just continue to follow my lead and not push seeing us more often then we can handle.
My mother and I have always had a strained relationship. In January I hit my breaking point and told her to never contact me again, that I was done. I think about her often, and have posted here a few times before about whether I made the right decision.
My mother has said and done cruel things to me over the years, and denies it. She is not honest with herself, refuses to take any responsibility, and I truly think she thinks her actions and the consequences are separate things -- nothing she did ever had any negative affects, at least in her mind. I can't deal with that anymore.
I know I did the right thing, as generally I'm happier. But it's tough. My sisters still talk to her, as does my father (they're newly divorced). They make me feel like the bad guy and the crazy one for not talking to her, that I should call her, etc. So I've stopped talking to them, too, because I made this decision and need them to support it.
I will say I don't think I could have some contact. For me, it's all or nothing. I can't be on a rollercoaster part time. I'd continue to get hurt and she'd continue to get satisfaction about hurting me.
I don't feel guilty at all. She made her own choices, I've asked her to stop certain behaviors over the years and she hasn't. When I'm questioning my decision, I think about why I stopped talking to her. Quickly I feel good about my decision.
74 books read in 2011
I had this exact post typed out on Friday but deleted it because it was too long.
I chose to limit my contact with my mother in Jan of this year. I got married in July and agreed she could attend the wedding BUT she was not involved in it. Other than that I have only spoke to her two/three times this year.
The guilt is so hard sometimes and I hope to god it lessens. My mother is a doormat and lets people walk all over her and I worry constantly that she is being taken advantage of. She used to defer to me to fight her battles, and she gets in a lot of them, but then she is such a people pleaser that she would sh!t talk me to these people and make out like I was the b!tch and she would have done what they wanted if it was not for me.
Also she has done some craptastic things to me over the years. I am in counseling and it is becoming apparent that I never had a mother in my life. I think I feel sad because I am longing for a mother daughter relationship but have to realize that she not capable of providing that.
Otherwise I want to get to a place where she can be in my life and not be effected by her drama. Currently I am to emotionally invested to be around her. Everything she does or says effects me.
She will never accept that she did anything bad and will never change so I know that I have to reach a place where I can take or leave her but not get sucked in.
It is definitely a hard thing to do because we tend to place so much emphasis on the title ?mother?.
My Mom and I have had a strained relationship since high school. First, a little background - my Mom is very controlling and manipulative. She wears the pants in the house (and always has) and my Dad has no say so whatsoever. Don't even ask me how they are still married. My Dad is the type that is very passive and doesn't like to "rock the boat."
She was also very abusive, physically, verbally and emotionally to me. It wasn't until college when I started taking some psych courses did I realize what all this had done to me over the years.
Well, when my husband and I first started dating, I still lived at home. She thought she could tell me unreasonable times to be home like 12 midnight when I was 23 years old. I eventually found a job and he helped me get out on my own, which was the first step in the right direction.
After that, we hardly talked much. I am actually closer to my husband's parents than my own. I love both of them very much and think I could have a better relationship with my Dad if it weren't for my Mom always being in the way. When I lived 20 minutes away from them, I still only saw them 1 or 2x a year. I never felt welcome in their house again. Even now, living out of state, it is hard for me to go over there, we usually meet at my Grandma's house bc I know my Mom won't start any of her bs there.
During the wedding planning, she did not help with anything. She is a very bitter and unhappy person and tries to drag everyone else down with her. I have learned (it has been extremely hard) to distance myself from her bc it is the only way I can stay sane. If not, she literally drives me crazy.
Another thing that has helped is forgiving (the hardest thing to do) her for what she has done to me in the past. Once I started going back to church with my now husband, it really helped. I will say it has been a journey and very difficult, but until you can truly forgive someone or something, can you let go of it for good. I can happily say I am finally at that point after a few long years.