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Ok, so I need some help...
I'm a first time poster on here (Hi!) and I figured you all could help me out a bit. My sex life is starting to become...
. We've only been married for 2 1/2 months and before our sex life was great! But now it seems like he's not even interested in it.
I've tried talking to him, he says he's stressed from his new job. We take time every night (he doesn't get off til 1 a.m. I stay up every night just to talk to him) to talk about how his day was, what's bothering him, etc etc. I offer back massages too. He usually takes me up on that but gets really whiny and upset the moment I stop
It's the same routine every day. I wake up at 7 am, go to school, come home, cook dinner and wait for him to come home for 10 minutes during his break and have his meal, then he leaves back for work til 1am. When he gets home we talk about his day. If we have sex it's the EXACT same thing every time. EXACT same positions and foreplay. And this is where I'm wanting help.
I've tried doing new things but he says he's more comfortable with what we've been doing. It's gotten to the point where I just fake orgasms because I get so bored. He's always said he wanted to handcuff me (I know, TMI), so I went and bought some handcuffs. Well, he wants nothing to do with them or anything else I've suggested. I've tried showing him sites with things for us to try and even tried watching porn with him and still nothing.
So please, help me figure out how to get him to open up about sex. I really think it would help relieve stress for both of us. TIA and sorry this was so long and probably all over the place. It kinda turned into a mini rant. I just REALLY needed to get this out and there's no one I can tell.
Re: Ok, so I need some help...
My DH works just about the same shift, he works until midnight and i always stay up and talk to him. Then get up super early and do my day (YUCK).
I found that he is almost always too tired after work (and i'm not feeling so bright eyed at that time either) Though it sucks, see if you guys can work it out to be physical on the weekends. Thats prob not as MUCH sex as you would like to be having, but maybe it will be about quality, not quantity. You can both look forward to it and make it an actually pleasurable experience not just a formality.
Now for the back rubs, i would stop giving them to him if hes gonna be a princess sally cakes and whine when you are done. He should thank you for giving him a back rub cuz hey you work your butt off and make it a point to be nurturing and caring towards him, he should try to do the same, stressful job or not.
4/11- 12/11 Provera, 3 cycles clomid 50mg, all BFN (HSG-all clear)
Dec 2011 DH S/A shows zero count - dx Azoo
TESE 4/13/12 - Sperm found!! 5 viles frozen
IVF ICSI #1- (Lupron protocol) 5R 2F 2dt- 2DP & 4CF - BFFN
IVF ICSI #2- (Antagonist protocol) Started stims 7/26
ER 8/8 11R 9F 3dt - 9BF & 7BF (+HPT 8dp3dt)beta 1-184 beta 2- 1699 TWINS! EDD 5/1/13
LAP Transabdominal Cerclage - 4/15/13 only possibility of carrying my children to term
IVF ICSI #3.2- (Antagonist Protocol) 7/26 start stims (same day, a year later from J & Z's stim start date!)
ER - 8/7 19R 9F 3dt of 2 8BF embryos. (+ HPT 7dp3dt) Beta #1- 82.8 Beta #2- 821 Beta 3-7254
Colin born via c/s 4/7/14 (36w5d) 6lbs 14oz - 8 days in the NICU
TTC #2 - IVF 4 - July 2015 (Antagonist Protocol) 7/10 start stims
15R 8F 5dt of 1E blast grade BA & 1 blast to freeze!! (+hpt 6dp5dt)
beta #1-52 beta #2-62 Beta #3-6.5 - CP
FET - 9/18/15 (+hpt 5dp5dt) beta #1 -225.1 beta #2-2468 beta #3-21,352
10/29 - U/S shows 1 bean! HR 151 EDD 6/7/16 It's a BOY!
5/18/16 Jacob born via c/s (37w 1d) 9lbs .8oz 19in - 6 days in the NICU
So he's working his butt off to support you while you go to school? Is that right?
What time does he leave for work? What type of work is he doing?
He says that he's stressed from his new job, why don't you believe him? Do you think that the stress from being the sole provider is creating a lot of stress on him as well?
I like sex. Hell, I love sex. But sex is honestly the farthest thing from my mind when I'm under a lot of stress and exhaustion. My husband is the same way - when he's working odd and/or extended hours or has a major project at a critical step at work, it affects his libido.
If either of us knew that the other one was faking pleasure/orgasms during sex, it would pretty much kill our sex life........even if we had handcuffs and porn. And if you don't think that your husband senses that you're faking, you're probably wrong.
To answer everyone?s questions.. I do work. I don?t work as much as he does, but I do have a part time job on campus and work several times a week. I do 18 hours of school and there?s not much time I can work. I do believe him when he says he?s stressed, I never said I didn?t. There is no reason for m not to believe him. I know him, I know when he?s stressed. He is not the sole provider because I make money just like he does. Granted, it?s not as much as he makes, but it is enough to get us by. He?s not supporting me financially for school because my tuition and books are covered in scholarships. He works at a call center for direct TV and handles technical issues people have. He currently works 40+ hours a week, but is trying to cut it back, which we hope will help.
I don?t give him backrubs ?expecting? anything in return. I give him backrubs because I know it helps him relax. And I leave him a note every morning. I leave it on the fridge for him the night before and he always sees it the next morning. He loves that and I love it makes him happy. When he worked the day shift I would put it in his lunch.
And I know faking it won?t get me what I want. But I won?t just stop in the middle of sex and say, ?Well, let?s try something else. Doing the same stuff is making it hard for me to come.? Because I?ve tried that and it didn?t work. He just said he was about to come and he wanted to finish. And I've even tried having this conversation with him outside of the bathroom and he just blew it off. So I get that he's stressed, we both are, but I also know how relaxed and happy he is afterwards. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to change what we do because he like what makes him happy and maybe he's afraid changing it up won't please him as much, I don't know. hmm.
you need to change up how u try to get the ball rolling and change the time of day if you can. when he comes home on his break to eat surprise him in something sexy and make his food to go. also stop lying about your orgasms it might make you feel like its helping but if he is noticing then it might be upsetting him and he may think why even bother especially when he is already stressed and tired. instead of a backrub have you tried giving him oral? i know that might not seem fair to you but it could jump start something and if your faking it anyway than it cant hurt. and as tired as you may be make sure your not falling into the sweatpants routine. it is great that you are waiting up for him making it seem like you have similiar schedules is helping your relationship psychologicaly by keeping you in sync even if it doesnt feel like it. having different schedules can be rough i used to go to school in the morning and my fiance worked evenings and it was horrible, i finally graduated and decided to get a job with similiar house it changed everything. i know changing your schedule is probably not possible for you but dont give up keep trying new things. also if you can find the time going to sex therapy would be very helpful.