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I've come to ask the experts...
So after lurking on this board for a while, I see that I am on the mellow side of things among you S&R nesties. However, you ladies seem to know a lot so I am hoping you can give my situation some thought and insight.
Our short history: DH and I have been together nearly 12 years. We were high school sweethearts, each other's firsts, and have been married for 3 1/2 years. We have 2 kids. He has a history of 2 emotional affairs, both before we were married but 1 was while we were engaged. He works about 90 hours a week, 6 days a week, so he's often tired and mentally worn out at the end of the day, which is completely understandable and I respect that. I recently went through a bout of really bad depression where I nearly killed our relationsihp, but now that I am on antidepressants and seeing a counselor, we've been able to talk and work things out and are back to a really great place.
Except in the bedroom. We of course started out having a TON of sex, since we were both virgins and teenagers and all that. I know things naturally get slower as you get older and the longer you are with someone, that makes total sense to me. Lately, however, things have been different.
For about the last year or so, I've noticed that DH is not as responsive to me. I used to be able to just mention sex and he'd be all over it, but lately he's almost never into it when I intiate - unless he's been drinking. After a bad experience before I got pg with #2, I don't have sex with him after a certain point when he's been drinking, it's just uncomfortable for me. So that means that much of the time when I am in the mood, we just don't have sex either becuase he just flat out says no or because I feel like he is only saying yes because of the alcohol.
Our sex life has picked up since I've been on the meds and have my depression under control. We're back up to at least once a week. But it's always on his terms. Always when he initiates - I almost never tell him no anymore - or when he soberly agrees, which is almost never. It bothers me a lot. I've told him as much but he thinks that I am inventing a problem and that I shouldn't worry about it. However, he's the type that thinks you should never worry about anyting and that problems will just go away if you ignore them long enough.
I'm not sure what else to do. I feel like maybe if I make myself more desireable/sexy/mysterious we'd be able to get past this. He tells me that he still finds me attractive and that he's not tired of sex with me but come on, it's been 11 years with the same person who was a virgin when we met, I know there's more I could be doing. I've also put on some pounds between college, being settled down, and having 2 c-sections in 2 years, and even though he says it's not an issue he's a guy and I know some part of him misses my old body. I'll admit I am often less adventerous about sex (history of assault that I deal with) but I am more than willing to push through my awkwardness/shyness to make this work. I've been trying, but maybe just not in the right way. What do you ladies do? Any suggestions or advice at all for me?
Thanks if you made it this far. I know that was a lot but it's been building for a while. 
Joe and Ashley ~ June 16, 2007 ~ Olivia Rae ~ May 12, 2008 ~ 9:06 pm ~ 8lbs 4oz ~ 20.5 inches ~ Miscarriage of twins ~ April 16, 2009 at 6 weeks. ~ Surprise BFP 6/23/09 13DPO ~ Eleanor Rose ~ February 18, 2010 ~ 6lbs 15oz ~ 20 inches ~ Caroline Ruth ~ February 19, 2013 ~ 6lbs 12 oz ~ 19 1/4 inches
Our family is complete!
Re: I've come to ask the experts...
It's normal for passion to wane after you have been together for awhile -- and you indeed have been together for awhile; 12 years.
And women's bodies change after a couple of births; that too is normal (and I am willing to bet he's not as svelte as he was, either.)
Any way you can look into joining the Y or taking up a new sport or exercise routine?
I'm also wondering how much drinking he is doing if he initiates only when he's got more than a few under his belt; I'd be plenty concerned about that, if I were you, if he's drinking a little too much for your taste.
(and not for nothing, if an emotional affair was involved anywhere in your serious relationship before marriage, you should have told him to take a walk then and there, but then again, that's just me)
Thanks ladies. I think having someone understand what's going on and getting some fresh insight is exactly what I needed. It's actually comforting to know just that I'm not alone and that this isn't completely abnormal!
Jo: I am sorry that you are in that situation. At 3 months of marriage, it must be hard to have so little intimacy. Maybe you are right, though, and it is a medical issue due to his age. Have you asked him to have a physical/work up? I know men never like to admit something is wrong, but maybe if you let him know how much it means to you he'll put that pride aside.
Tarpon: As for the affairs....one was years and years ago, he was away at college and I was still in high school. That one has long been forgive and forget. The one when we were engaged, yes, we did have trust issues. I still have them from time to time. It took a LOT of hard work and some time physically apart (I asked him to move out for a while) to get to a good place after that happened. The thing is I'm head over heels in love with him, and I wanted to make it work. He's been extremely open, honest, and accomdating to my trust needs ever since and we were able to build things up again.
You're right. His drinking is something he needs to work on. He doesn't do it often but when he does he binges and it's concerning to me. I need to confront him on that.
Thanks again, ladies. This has been extremely helpful. I think I'll keep lurking around these parts, it's quite insightful.
Joe and Ashley ~ June 16, 2007 ~ Olivia Rae ~ May 12, 2008 ~ 9:06 pm ~ 8lbs 4oz ~ 20.5 inches ~ Miscarriage of twins ~ April 16, 2009 at 6 weeks. ~ Surprise BFP 6/23/09 13DPO ~ Eleanor Rose ~ February 18, 2010 ~ 6lbs 15oz ~ 20 inches ~ Caroline Ruth ~ February 19, 2013 ~ 6lbs 12 oz ~ 19 1/4 inches
Our family is complete!
I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I'm gonna start off by saying that I'm gonna say some things that you won't wanna hear so brace yourself before reading.
Run away sweetie! He is only going to get worse. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't have sexual affairs instead of just emotional ones. I'm sure that the fact that he only wants to have sex when he has been drinking really takes a toll on your self-esteem and that isn't right, I'm sorry that he is doing this to you. I lucky have a husband that makes me feel sexy every day whether we have sex or not but I grew up in a household where I saw what you describe every day. It was terrible to watch my father beat down my moms self esteem. It lead to other forms of abuse, not physical but emotional for sure. I hate to see that happen to you and no matter what anyone tells you, you do not want your kids to grow up with a man that demeans their mother.
I'm going to guess that you really love this for whatever reason (and I'm sure he has great qualities) but you need to go see a real expert on this because I garentee it will get worse over time. Nip it in the butt while you still remember why you love him. If he won't go then he doesn't care enough about you or your feeling so you deserve better. No matter how your body has changed you are still the same person and he should still be attracted to you. Physical attract has more to do with your inside than your outside.
Again hunny I'm sorry and I hope that you have a good girl friend that can give you a hug and tell you that you are beautiful even if your husband doesn't tell you (or show you)
Best of luck
My suggestion is to work on your emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy will follow.
Sometimes a couple has to get to know each other all over again. If he has had emotional affairs, it would be really hard for me. Try to get to know him a little deeper and open up to him, talking about silly and serious things. I am also a big believer in good counseling. It's probably gonna be hard and there is no way around that... I do think that it will be worth it. You are in this relationship for a reason and you owe it to yourself to work it out.
Just one more thing - if you do want to loose weight do it for YOU!!! For your health, your happiness, your energy, etc. A person has to take care of them self first before they can help others Please remember that you are who you are and deserved to be loved for that!
(Your husband probably does find you very attractive.)
Listen to yourself and you'll figure it out.
After a bad experience before I got pg with #2, I don't have sex with him after a certain point when he's been drinking, it's just uncomfortable for me.
I don't know exactly what this means but it sounds all kinds of bad. It is a douche wizard of a man that even comes close to sexually assaulting a pregnant woman. I understand that I am making a big assumption here but a "bad experience" with sex almost always involves a coerced or otherwise confrontational experience. Please tell us more about that. It will help us answer more accurately your questions about your situation.
We're back up to at least once a week. But it's always on his terms. Always when he initiates - I almost never tell him no anymore - or when he soberly agrees, which is almost never. It bothers me a lot. I've told him as much but he thinks that I am inventing a problem and that I shouldn't worry about it.
This is disturbing. You should ALWAYS have the right to refuse to have sex for WHATEVER reason you deem appropriate. The sex schedule should accomodate BOTH partners' needs & wants. It should never be one-sided because then it borders on sexual abuse if not marital rape. This situation makes me very concerned for you.
I know some part of him misses my old body. I'll admit I am often less adventerous about sex (history of assault that I deal with) but I am more than willing to push through my awkwardness/shyness to make this work. I've been trying, but maybe just not in the right way. What do you ladies do? Any suggestions or advice at all for me?
I don't think you should have to "get past" any of your issues. I think you should be seeing a professional about your sexual abuse past. Your husband should quit being a self-centered turd about your body (he might have never said anything but being self-conscious and getting those vibes from him) you've had HIS children. He needs to get the fvck over it.
Counseling. Get thee to a therapist.