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DH's aunt: We never get together
I new to this board, but hope you will indulge me 
We live about 10 minutes from DH's family (this includes parents, one aunt, several uncles and various cousins) and about five hours from my family. We see his parents on average once every two weeks and his other relatives once a month or so.
Despite all this, DH's aunt begins every invitation with the following statement, "Because this family NEVER gets together anymore, I'm having brunch/dinner/a party on such-and-such day ..."
Here is what she apparently definites as "never": We got together twice in April for a cousin's b-day and another cousin's school play. We got together in May because Aunt's DS was coming home from grad school. We went on a trip in May with DH's parents, DH's aunt and uncle and cousins to celebrate Aunt's DD's college graduation. We got together in June because Aunt's DD was coming home from school. We got together in August for Aunt's DD's birthday. At that get-together, Aunt told us that she had scheduled a get-together for Oct. 16 and that "no" was not an acceptable answer because we never see each other anymore. She also took the liberty of telling DH and I that DH's mom had already informed her that we had "off" that particular weekend so there should be no excuses from us.
To explain that last part, DH's job involves a certain sports team. His relatives know they can check ahead and see when the sports team has a game. If the team is off on a certain weekend, then DH has off that weekend. It's one of those situations where we can't avoid telling them his schedule, because it's as easy as looking at the team's schedule, if that makes sense.
We were caught off guard when they said they had looked at our schedule and already knew we were off, so we didn't have an excuse at the ready. Next time, we'll have an excuse. Anyway ... DH is going to this week's mandatory party. I am not. Even though I was commanded to be there, I decided to "allow" a work assignment to interfere. OK, to be honest, I eagerly accepted the chance to work Saturday just to get out of this function.
I'm not sure if this is the right way to handle the situation, but it seemed like my best option this one time. Thoughts?
Re: DH's aunt: We never get together
Someone needs to grow a pair. Why are the two of you allowing family members to control your discretionary time?
"You're correct that DH does not have a game that weekend, but we'll have to check our calendar and get back to you." Or, "You're correct that DH does not have a game that weekend, but we already have other plans." Or simply "Sorry, we can't make it. Next time check with us beforehand if it's really important we be there - you can't always count on us being free just because DH's team doesn't have a game."
ETA: And ideally, these statements should be coming from your DH.
You're both right, actually.
I do like the part about someone needing to "grow a pair." That would be DH. Honestly, if I had voiced my true feelings to his aunt on the issue, I would have told her we intended to make plans with friends that weekend. Case closed. Since we have so few weekends when DH is off, we actually would like to make plans with friends (those are the people we see rarely, as opposed to his family members).
Unfortunately, I let DH take the lead and he has no backbone when it comes to his mother/aunt. His answer was that, yes, they are pushy, but they're not accustomed to hearing "no" on this stuff. None of the male family members would ever dare. So ... we're having a talk about this later and about how it's going to change next time this comes up.
'No' most certainly is an acceptable answer and it's time that you & your H get comfortable saying it. It's ridiculous for his family to assume that just because he's not working you are free, but it sounds like both of you are guilty of going along with it.
Is your H on the same page as you? Is he frustrated with his family's behavior or does he think it's fine?
ETA- you responded at the same time- you have an H problem. He doesn't say No because they're not used to hearing it?!?! That's ridiculous they're not used to hearing it because the men in his family have no balls. I would tire of that quickly.
I am glad you are going to talk to your DH. And if you need to jump in before he gets a chance to speak while he gets the hang of it, then that's fine (so long as he doesn't immediately go back on what you just said if they push back). You can absolutely decline (or at least not immediately accept) without being rude - and it's important for your DH to see this.
I'd also ask him why he cares more about upsetting his aunt and mother than he does about upsetting his wife.
Yes, we are on the same page. DH agrees that his relatives are very presumptuous about how available we (and everyone else) should be. He says he never really noticed it when he was single, because it didn't really interfere with his life. If his mom said there was a party at his aunt's house, he simply showed up and didn't give it much thought. But he does realize that it's "our" life now and they don't have a right to presume when we'll be available.
What he has lacked, so far, is the backbone to follow through and say "no" to them. The main reason I haven't done it is because A) I don't want to take over what should be his role; and
I don't want to seem like the bad DIL who doesn't want DH to attend family parties.
But you're right. "No" is quite acceptable. And if he begins to say it and sees that life does go on, I think he'll become better at it.
Unfortunately, I let DH take the lead and he has no backbone when it comes to his mother/aunt. His answer was that, yes, they are pushy, but they're not accustomed to hearing "no" on this stuff. None of the male family members would ever dare. So ... we're having a talk about this later and about how it's going to change next time this comes up.
You know, there's no time like the present to re-train his family. Otherwise you will be cow-towing to them 4ever.
What I have done in the past is to give my dh an option. Either he handles the issue in an acceptable manner, or I will. If I do it, I will say what needs to be said "in my way," which probably will offend someone.
Also, the two of you need to be prepared that at first they may push back really hard. However if you stick to your guns eventually they will see that their behavior no longer works on the two of you.
And really, the only ways to truly look like the bad DIL who doesn't want her DH to spend time with his family are to 1) Never accept another invitation again or 2) if your DH says "Well I would come but Beth doesn't want to."
Saying no when you have plans (or you just plain don't feel like it occasionally) doesn't make you a bad DIL.
Keep in mind that one of the ways they may "push back" would be changing their strategy. You said that they live nearby - that strategy change might manifest by their showing up at your house unannounced or calling your home at weird (too early/too late) hours. Or it might be some other way, but the point is, be ready for it when/if it happens. This is about boundaries and they're not going to like the new rules - they'll try to break them and reset them to their liking, not yours. Just realize that it might happen and have a plan in mind for when/it it does.
Good luck!
I think the bolded statement above is something very important to consider when dealing with this situation.
You guys live close to his fam, so you need to sit down together and decide how much time you want to spend with them per week/month. How you react to the aunt now will set the precedent of her (and other family members) expectations of you in the future.
It is not your job to be at their beck and call whenever you are not working, so just because your DH's team doesn't have a sporting event doesn't automatically mean you guys are available to spend time with them.
What I have done in the past is to give my dh an option. Either he handles the issue in an acceptable manner, or I will. If I do it, I will say what needs to be said "in my way," which probably will offend someone.
I like this. And, frankly, this is where he needs the work.
About a month ago, DH's mother brought up the subject of the Oct. 16th get-together while we were eating dinner at a restaurant. DH said something to the effect of, "Well, just because we don't make plans two months in advance doesn't mean we don't want to make our own plans for that weekend." He said it very nicely, but his mother will step right over "nice," if you know what I mean.
At that point, I stepped in and said, "Here's the thing: When we get asked two months in advance for our off weekend, we kind of feel like we're being trapped into saying yes when, really, we have no idea what we're planning yet for that weekend."
She replied, oh so sweetly: Well, no one's trying to trap you. We just want to make sure you'll be there with the rest of the family.
At that point (and I know this), it was DH's job to step forward and be firm. He didn't. So we both let it drop. And, yeah, that has to stop.
Have the two of you sat down together and decided what you think is an appropriate amount of time to spend with his family?
Do that, and then stick to it. If that's once a month, it's once a month. Otherwise, they can't presume you'll be there.
When she pulls the "we just want to make sure you'll be there" routine, say "Would you rather us be at X function or Y function? We can't make both this month." Don't let it drop when she pulls that stuff.
Ignore her.
No need to say that you don't have plans yet but might make them, and no need to whine about feeling trapped. A simple "We'll let you know" is all that is needed, and if she pries more, a simple "We're not sure if we're available, like we said, we'll let you know."
That was like a light bulb moment, so thank you. Yes, you're right. I think I was too concerned about telling her why we didn't like being asked to schedule our off weekends two months in advance. I was too concerned with giving reasons and justifying our occasional desire to do other things in our free time. I'm now finally realizing that we don't owe her a specific reason on those occasions when we want to do something else. I know it sounds ridiculously simple, but it is kind of a revelation, believe it or not!
I half agree with this. I think you should decide what events are important enough to revolve your schedule around. For example, a graduation, a milestone birthday, a communion. Then go to those, and don't feel obligated to attend the others. I would not give your aunt a choice "do you want us to be at the baptism or uncle's 44th birthday party?" But I would give her a choice between his birthday party and mother's day or some other hallmark holiday.
And ditto the others, just because your H isn't working doesn't mean that you are "free" as a couple. You can have "other plans." Your MIL and aunt don't trump any plans you have outside of dh's work.
Good for you for letting your H attend alone! Sometimes realizing that your spouse is getting "free time" while you go to the obligatory birthday party makes it that much unbearable - and will make him that much more likely to say "no" in the future.
Glad to see you've had a revelation!
As logical as it seems to you when you explain your POV, to people like his family, they will take any explanation/ any defense and poke holes in it and twist it around to fit their needs. Thats why you need to give them as little as possible.
And be prepared - when you say "We'll get back to you", they will probably push w/ "It's 2 months away. You can't possibly have plans." or they'll push you just a few days later for an answer. You just say "We aren't scheduling out our weekends this far in advance. When it gets closer, we'll let you know if we can come.".
They come back with "We mentioned this first- you have to come!", you stand firm on "As we said, we aren't scheduling our weekends this far out.".
Give them as little information as necessary.
Good luck!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think that your DH's family and my DH's family are related.
DH is on the older end of the spectrum and his youngest cousin is a sophomore in HS. They are uber involved in eachother's business and attend concerts, sporting events, horseshows etc in addition to all the other regular stuff you normally do as a family like birthdays and big events like graduations. They expected that DH and I would continue to do so and got grandly pissed off when I said "nope, sorry!"
DH is a total mama's boy until quite recently. I finally told him to grow a pair and that by caving to his mom, he was essentially putting the needs, wants, and priorities of his mother above the needs, wants, and priorities of his wife and that wasn't going to continue. He could either start standing up for the decisions we made as a team or I was going to and he wasn't going to like how I handled it.
He did finally talk to his mom and there has been a lot less push back lately. I think that she's struggling with her new role in his life (a.k.a. not priority #1) and that a lot of the whining and meddling and carrying on was because she just really wasn't handling that well at all. Bottom line of it all is that if you don't start setting the precedent now, you'll be dealing with it for the rest of your married life. Just because you have a weekend free doesn't mean you have to spend it with family! Perhaps you need some couple time, you need to see friends that you haven't been able to connect with because of your schedule, lol you need to wash your hair! You are a family too and you need to create your own traditions. You, I'm sure, respect those of your DH's family but they can't expect that your traditions are guaranteed to be theirs.
This is one of the things I told him the other night when we had our talk about the whole situation. I said, honestly, they will always assume we will buckle and attend every one of these events until we say "no" to one and actually stick with it. But if we show up for every single one -- even when we'd rather do something else -- we're rewarding their demands.