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Canadian Thanksgiving - Opinions on IL Family
Hello All,
My DH's family has a difficult time with family holidays. Last night was their Thanksgiving dinner and DH and I picked up his Grandfather and went over to their house.
Background: DH's Father had a motorcycle accident 4 years ago and suffered some brain trauma. Pre-accident he was severely non-social but a great cook, and he would do all the work, serve and eat dinner, and then go hide in his office. Post-accident he has become excessively social. It's a side effect of the damage. He also has a hard time handling stressful situations, and still tries to do all the work to make a large turkey dinner, but it's too diffcult for him to handle.
He freaks out about anyone entering the kitchen and attempting to help, but at the same time we have to get in there or he will serve undercooked turkey or he will burn other things. He does not realize that he is overtaxing himself.
He also has lost his abililty to drink reasonably. As has MIL. When you arrive at their house at 4 he will basically pour wine down your throat. If your glass is ever 1/2 empty he will run around with a wine bottle like a lunatic. DH and I just proceed to drink at a snail's pace while Grandpa and MIL get smashed before dinner is even served. FIL isn't too far behind. FIL then freaks out on MIL for drinking so much at the dinner table in the middle of dinner.
One mistake I think we made this year was not inviting the extended family. MIL thought it would be TOO much stress, but based on the actual results, I would say they are on better behaviour with a crowd around than what happened last night. (Lot's of yelling, etc.)
Right now DH and I are in a small apartment and couldn't invite them to us. This would prevent FIL from getting stressed out over cooking (I am more than willing) but we are always scared when we invite them over that they will drink & drive. So we don't. We're hoping to have a house in 6 - 12 months.
Do any of you have any recommendations for how to handle this situation? Christmas is coming up fast and both DH and I are dreading it. We have the same amount of people as last night (6) at a normal family dinner there on a Sunday and there is generally no problem. Add the word holiday to it and it all goes to h*ll.
Re: Canadian Thanksgiving - Opinions on IL Family
I would offer to host everyone at a restaurant for your holiday meal, and either pick them up or arrange for a car service. Maybe you could send them to a concert or a play/movie beforehand, and have the tickets and the car service be their Christmas gift.
As far as drinking, when you book the restaurant, you could look for a place that's BYOB, and either bring a small amount of liquor and once it's gone that's it ... or play dumb in regards to alcohol ("Oh, I didn't realize it was BYOB! I guess we'll have to make do with soda and iced tea tonight").
Or, if they insist on hosting at their own house, offer to bring the turkey or have it catered from a local supermarket or restaurant, and FIL can handle the sides. Or bring all the sides, and he'll only have the turkey to focus on.
I think your husband needs to have a conversation with his parents. If it were my father, I would feel compelled to point out what has changed since his accident and discuss what changes can be made so it's an enjoyable occasion for everyone. For example, the meal preparation. He needs to accept the fact he's no longer capable of doing the meal from start to finish, that he either accepts help in the kitchen or adopt a potluck style with side dishes from other family members. The fact that everyone has to fight with him in the kitchen is a lousy way to enjoy a family holiday dinner.
And I would refuse multiple servings of wine. I would simply tell him, "Thank you, but I've reached my limit and will wait until dinner for another glass." The fact that your MIL keeps drinking until she's drunk by the time the meal is served makes me wonder if she's adopted that as a coping mechanism.
Simply put, I would stop this charade of a holiday dinner. I would participate in helping change tradition so everyone can enjoy being together. If they aren't willing to make any changes, continuing to enable your FIL, I would stop spending my holidays there.
This advice is going to be very unsatisfying but its very sincere. It's a simple statment - you can't control other people, you can only control yourself. If only wishing made it so! But no, you can't 'work around' a severe brain trauma and MAKE a holiday go well. You can only arrive and be a good guest and leave at a suitable time. Stop with the upsetting kitchen "help". Accept the undercooked turkey and don't eat it. Bring a dish ready to serve.
Really. You know the rest.
Why not change the holiday tradition? Instead of meeting for dinner, host everyone for a Christmas brunch. At your own home, you can limit the amount of alcohol being served. Also, breakfast/lunch tends to be a time when people drink less - - even if you have drinks you can water down champagne with oj for a mimosa or peach juice for a bellini.
To not make yourself go crazy, have breakfast casseroles that you have already prepared (I got some great ideas on what's cooking last year).
Is your MIL in agreement that things are crazy? If they insist on hosting, maybe FIL can get a pre-made turkey (that you just have to heat up), or a turkey breast. You and DH can bring a covered dish.
Thank you all for your help. DH and I discussed our options. We highly doubt that the IL's would agree to having family dinner at a restaurant - especially not for a holiday. We think that once we have a house we would be better to invite them over and arrange to have DH's brother drive them home. It would keep FIL calm and would bypass the whole drinking and driving issue. We would also be better able to control their consumption if they came to us.
With respect to this upcoming Christmas I think we will have a discussion with MIL about how she over-did it at Thanksgiving. Like I said, they tend to act better in front of company so I am hoping that they will manage better with a larger crowd at Christmas. I am also planning on arranging in advance with FIL to bring over some major components of the meal to reduce the amount of work he has to do.
MIL is using alcohol as a means to cope. She admits this freely and she is in therapy. Her husband is no longer the same man she married so she is dealing with a lot these past 4 years.
Just to throw it out there - I really do like mi In-laws on a normal day. They are just an absolute handful come holidays. I lived with them for 5 months and generally the whole family is good at getting arounf FIL's issues, but during holidays it all seems to explode. I was certain their would be an issue at the wedding but he was able to hold it together in front of other people. He falls apart at when it's just "the family".
Married Bio
PP is right, you can only control your own behavior. I would also have DH talk to his parents. FIL needs to know that things have changed since the accident. He can still do a lot, but he needs to accept some things have changed (would he agree to supervising and ordering you and DH around in the kitchen- so he can sit while you guys cook?). Your DH needs to talk to his mom about her drinking. She needs better coping mechanisms. Can he help her find a support group for family members of people who have suffered brain injuries? FIL needs to continue therapy to learn coping strategies for when he is stressed or tired. MIL and FIL should talk to his doctor together- perhaps she can help him by seeing the issue coming and reminding him to take it easy.
If that doesn't work, even if they won't agree to a holiday meal at a restaurant, you can still help things go smoother. First, insist on bringing some dishes- make it about you. Say you want to practice your cooking or something along those lines, so FIL doesn't feel attacked or like you're just doing this because of his brain injury.
You should also bring the wine. If people are getting wasted, water that *** down! Or pour non alcoholic wine into regular wine bottles for half the bottles. That should slow them down, at least until dinner is served. Bring some appetizers to help soak up the wine. I wouldn't worry as much about MIL as Grandpa- I know my grandmother's balance is bad enough without being drunk.
Or- insist that the event is wine free. Bring sparkling apple cider and other non-alcoholic drinks. Or say you'll bring mixed drinks and make them VERY weak drinks. If there's someone struggling with an alcohol problem (and using alcohol as a coping method IS a problem) then there shouldn't be alcohol there at all.
If my family felt it was ok to go ape-sh^t if it was "only me," and DH, yelling, screaming, drinking too much - - I would refuse to attend holiday dinners there unless there was a huge crowd.
Their feelings are hurt because "family" isn't sharing a holiday meal with them? Too bad.
You and H can ALWAYS leave if the holidays get out of hand.
You know better than us what talking to your FIL would really accomplish. He's had severe brain trauma that is affecting how he acts. I personally wonder if talking to him is actually going to do any good!
However, you can talk to your MIL. (Well, your DH, that is). She admits she's using alcohol to cope. But maybe if she knew how unenjoyable this is for you all, and that if the holidays really continue like this, that you and DH may no longer join them.
While you may not be able to change/ rationalize w/ FIL, you can still do this w/ MIL.
But in the end, it's up to you and DH to decide for yourselves how you spend the holidays. I know you want to be there for them, but if putting yourself out there only leads to you having a miserable time, is it erally worth it?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It sounds like Thankgiving is something your FIL enjoys doing. Don't take that away from him. Eat fast food on the way there or on the way home so you're not starving.
FIL was in intense occupational and relational therapy for about 8 months after the accident. Based on what all of the doctor's and therapists said, for the type of brain injury which he suffered (bruised or swollen brain with coma for a period of 3 days) that he would progress until the 8 month mark and then that there would be no future healing or changes to his personality.
He is who he is now and we have to work around that. He got "good" enough that he could resume his duties at work (although initially he would be very tired out and stressed come the weekend). He has also since retired and we don't think he has enough to do to keep him occupied. MIL wants to retire as well but she can't stand the thought of spending all of her time with him day-in-day-out. She is also a very devout Catholic and doesn't see divorce as a way out (Thank God since I have no idea who would take care of him then). I want to help MIL as much as possible although DH sees it as "their problem" and doesn't want to get involved. In my opinion we have to help or else MIL is going to have a breakdown or become a full-blown alcoholic soon (if she isn't already).
Thank you all for your advice and perspective. I've been with DH for 7 years so I saw how this has all played out and I lived with them the 4 months directly after the accident to help MIL cook, maintain the house etc. BIL had a fantastic girlfriend who was a lot of help as well but unfortunately they have since broken up. She was in elder care and very capable of diffusing tense situations at family dinners etc. She "got" FIL and could tell when he was reaching his limits better than the rest of the family can. I need to brush up on my skills.
I will discuss with MIL about the Christmas arrangements and I will make sure that we either plan a more pot-luck style dinner or that I can bring some of the major components. DH and I can handle the "acting out" on their part, although it is really unpleasant. I worry about a couple of years down the road when we will be bringing kids with us to family events. Yikes.
Married Bio
make a filling dish that you know you can eat...say it's part of your family tradition that you want to share with them...let him do the cooking and stay out of the kitchen. Don't eat undercooked turkey, but there's always food like rolls you can eat politely.
Do all this as you transition to new holidays. Maybe in excitement of your first house you host one thing...then another...and slowly try to make this transition...
sounds like they are dealing with alot