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SO ticked off at MIL... semi-long.
So, MIL calls Jacob while I'm at zumba tonight and chews him out for not ever coming to see them. Well, they live over an hour away in the middle of nowhere. You have to clear out an entire day just to drive there, and our weekends are tied up with volleyball & football leagues, church and the youth group, and college football games (season tickets). And of course, it's my fault because I "never let him come down". Well, he doesn't want to go down there just as much as I don't want to, so it's definately NOT just me.
Secondly, Jacob's sister & BIL have a 5-year old horror of a son which I can't stand. They have indulged his every want and he gets away with everything. Well, MIL demanded that we invite him over to spend the night. She even said "Don't make me call you about this again". EXCUSE ME?!! Last I checked, this is OUR house and we invite over whomever we want. So has NO right to invite him over to our house.
I am SO ticked off right now that I can't think straight. Jacob and I dated for 7 years before marriage, but his parents have never gotten to know me. So, we really don't have a very open-communication relationship. And Jacob won't stand up to them and just say no. I may be blowing this situation out of proportion, but this is just the straw that broke the camel's back. They harp on us and gripe and complain ALL the time and it always ends up being my fault.
So I don't exactly know how to go about solving this situation. Any ideas?
Re: SO ticked off at MIL... semi-long.
I agree with Hayley!
You've heard what I've done, not what I've been through.
If you were in my shoes, you'd fall the first step."
Well, there's absolutely nothing near or around or on the way to where they live. So either they come all the way to Huntington to shop/eat out or we go there to spend the day at their house.
Anyway, Jacob thinks the best solution is to also invite another 5-year old cousin (Jake) over, too, in hopes that Sawyer will act better. Jake is a wonderful kid and I wouldn't have any problems at all having him over, but it almost seems like double-trouble to me.
I don't know. We're still talking about it, but Jacob definately knows he has to be the one to stand up about it.
I think the solution is that Jacob starts to stand up to his mother and not leave you to deal with the mess and therefore take the brunt of her insanity. It's her son - he needs to learn how to say no to his mother. And I know that's hard for some men but he has to do it for the sake of your marriage because now that you are husband and wife, sorry but his first priority is honoring commitments with you - not pleasing mommy.
And setting boundaries where the two of you stand together to reinforce them (key word - together) is the only way to deal with a meddling MIL. It is absolutely not her place to tell you whom to have over your home. And if you and Jacob do not want to host a sleepover for a terror of a 5 yr old, then stand your ground. If you decide between the two of you that you do, then make sure it's your decision and not because she's guilting you into it. People like her learn very quickly what they can and cannot get away with and it sounds like she's gotten the idea into her head she can railroad you with whatever SHE wants. Time to stop that now or else it will only continue / become worse when you have children of your own.
And compromise is a wonderful thing. So she can either come down to visit you guys from time to time since your schedules are very busy / they live in Nowheresville or you can meet halfway or you can make the effort to go out there once in awhile. It has to be a 2-way street there. But it's Jacob's mother....so again, Jacob needs to be the one speaking up for the both of you here and letting her know YOU TWO have decided xyz / YOU TWO would like to do xyz, etc.
Relationships with ILs can be tricky and a major source of stress in marriages if not dealt with. Good luck!!!!
I agree with the other girls here. You are not at all out of line to be upset about this!
CTGirl is right when she says that "people like her learn very quickly what they can and cannot get away with." It was really hard for Matt to learn how to set boundaries on his mother, but it only took a few times of him saying "no" for her to get the clue and back off a lot. She still tries to manipulate us, but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be. When he does give in and do her a favor, though, it starts the clock all over again (he did help her out last week, and we're dealing with the repercussions now... yay).
Matt has had phone conversations with MIL in which his part consisted ENTIRELY of the phrase "Kelly and I will talk about it and I'll get back to you." I heard one "conversation" where he said that exact phrase eight times in two minutes because she just wouldn't stop demanding. It might help Jacob to have a similar phrase so that he knows ahead of time what he's going to say and doesn't need to come up with something on the spot.
I know this sounds horrible but I personally as a mom would not send my children over to a newly married young couples house relative or not to spend the night. Hello!!!! You don't have children you are enjoying the newness of your marriage and you are considered newlyweds for the first 2 years of marriage.
2nd your husband needs to put his foot down and stand up to the mother! If he doesn't now you are going to have a lot more problems. Boundries are what she needs. Once you do have children can you imagine how she is gonna be. Undermining you at every turn. If he doesn't you need to. Guess what she is now your mother-in-law. Say something to her. If she wants to say something disrespectful about you to him then you need to confront her about it. Not cool that she is saying things to your husband. If someone that wasn't his mother was saying things about you how would you and he respond. She is damaging your relationship. NOT OK.
Hugs hang in there and honestly do you care if she thinks you are a biotch?? You are not close with her. Say no to the nephew and tell her sorry we have a life of commitments and are adults. Tell her will come visit her at appropriate times when it works for you and your schedule.
Well, we've talked about it and he's definately going to call his mother back tonight. He's doing it, because if I call, it won't be pretty. I suggested doing a play-date with his nephew (take him to eat, play in the park, do whatever, and TAKE HIM HOME!). No way will he be staying here.
And Pamila is exactly right. As a newlywed, kids are the last thing on my mind. My house is not kid-proof. And I have alot of things that are very valuable (like a new white/red printed rug!) that I don't want messed up. Not only that, but Jacob has been unemployed for the last 3 months. Living on one income, we don't exactly have the money to throw this kid a party.
I may follow up with his dad tomorrow after Jacob talks to his mom tonight. His dad loves me to death and we could probably talk about it alot easier than me and his mom.
Thanks for the support!