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Stressing over the holidays already (really long)
So DH and I were recently married and this will be our first wedded holiday season, and we are trying to decide how to separate the holidays. I have a large extended family that all live within an hour of us. His family lives in a different state, 5 hours away. I work the day after thanksgiving so we have already decided to spend Thursday with my family and drive down to see his family on the weekend. But what do we do about Christmas?
We drive down to see his family about once a month, the past few time MIL asks what we are planning to do for the holidays, and everyone looks to me for the answer. She also asks every time my husband calls her, if I?ve made our plans yet. I think they assume the wife should make these kinds of decisions. When I ask DH for his opinion he says he doesn?t know how to separate the holiday but would like to see his family. He is ultimately leaving the decision up to me. The problem is if the decision is mine I want to stay home with my family. I do not like to visit his family, there is not enough room and they are not present for me to spend a lot of time with.
They put very little effort into anything they do, including holidays and their relationships with their kids. It bothers me to hear them talk about their live as if the world is against them. I also dislike how they complain about their other son and his wife spending all their time with her parents. (Who they live with, with their three little girls, because they lost their house this past year.) It makes me wonder what they say about me while I?m not there, I am very close with my family and see my mother multiple time a week and talk daily. They refuse to see how their children are the only ones to make and effort in their relationship. We have been married 5 months now and been down to visit them about 6 times, and they have yet to come see our new house, although they have been invited.
While there are a lot of underlying issues, I really make an effort to include them in our lives and work on my relationship with them. I may never truly enjoy their company and desire to spend time with them but they are family, and my husband loves them, so I have to try. But I don?t want to miss out on fun family time with my parents at Christmas so we can go be uncomfortable with his. But I don?t want to give them anything else to whine about, that their kids prefer their in laws to them. How do I make them see that spending the holidays with my family, and going to see them the next week is easier for us, with out hurting their very sensitive feeling?
Re: Stressing over the holidays already (really long)
My initial reaction is this. You married into his family; you knew you could not avoid them. You also should know that a marriage includes compromise and give and take. You and your husband need to come up with a holiday plan. Discuss Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, whatever traditions you or him have and how they will now fit into your new family of you and him. You will never please all of your and his relatives.
Ultimately, it is a decision for you and your husband but I'm thinking that a good way to start is to say that since your family has Thanksgiving, his gets Christmas this year. Either pick a day near Christmas for your family or give them New Years.
What did the two of you do before you were married? Did you spend holidays together then?
Make it a plan to switch every year, it's easy and fair.
Soooo this year Thanksgiving day with your folks and christmas day with his (you can still get together with yours, just do it on a different day).
and then next year do thanksgiving at his and christmas day at yours.
You'll always know the plan ahead of time and they're should be no arguements (at least between you and your H thinking that you're seeing one family over the other).
In the past we celebrated the holidays separately, last year he had thanksgiving with some of his close friends, as his parents we temporarily living in a different state, and then he drove up to spend Christmas Eve and morning with me and my family. His parents said they had no money for gifts so they didn?t see the point in celebrating, and didn?t ever bother to get a tree. I don?t know why they suddenly want us to spend the holidays with them when they never really care about it in the past.
That's really crappy of your husband to leave all the responsibility for making decisions up to you. This is something you're going to have to deal with every holiday, so you're going to have to work together to find a long-term solution that you're both comfortable with. Otherwise, one of you is not going to be happy with the decision that you make alone, and your husband is throwing you under the bus with his family.
You have a few different options here. Ten hours is a lot of driving to do for a weekend visit, so I would spend Thanksgiving with your family and Christmas with his family. You could do it that way every year, or switch it around each year. You can also make your visits with them more pleasant by staying in a hotel.
It sounds like you go visit his family all the time, and they never come to see you. You could offer to host Thanksgiving or Christmas at your house sometime. It's really not fair for them to expect you to do all the driving. If you don't have enough room to let everyone stay for a few days, they can get a hotel. If they get offended over this suggestion, it's YOUR HUSBAND'S job to say, "It's nothing personal, this is just what works best for us this year."
If you do have his family to your place, you could always combine the celebration with your family and kill two birds with one stone.
You could just arrange to celebrate with either family on another date. You don't have to get together directly on the holiday. We always had the traditional Thanksgiving dinner with my dad's family on Thanksgiving and then got together with my mom's family for a big spaghetti dinner on Friday or Saturday. You can be flexible in following traditions and creating new ones.
I think the only workable solution right now is to visit the closeby folks for Thanksgiving since you work the next day, and visit the far away ones for Christmas. Until your work situation changes and you dont' work the day after thanksgiving, it might have to remain that way.
I'm fortunate that my family and DH's family are all local. We alternate Thanksgivings and are on the same schedule as my other married sister (My parents volunteer to deliver for "meals on wheels" type things on the off years when they're solo and have very much enjoyed doing that.). Christmas Eve is with DH's family and Christmas Day is with my family. For the time being, my family doesn't really do much for Easter so we've spent them with DH's family. As kiddos are born though, I think that my parents will be more interested in celebrating Easter as a large group and then we'll go back to rotating holidays opposite Thanksgiving. It works for us.
PP is right about you knowing the family your DH is from before you married him. Unfortunately, we don't just marry our husbands, we get their family in a package deal. Don't worry, you'll find a compromise that works for you. Good luck!
I suppose I should do the mature thing and suck it up and drive down for the holiday. I?m also going to toy with the idea of inviting them to stay with us. I?ll put it out there and see what reaction I get, of course that would also include their daughter and her new baby, as she lives with them. We have the room if one of them doesn?t mind sleeping on a futon. Thanks for the feedback!
I suppose I should do the mature thing and suck it up and drive down for the holiday. I?m also going to toy with the idea of inviting them to stay with us. I?ll put it out there and see what reaction I get, of course that would also include their daughter and her new baby, as she lives with them. We have the room if one of them doesn?t mind sleeping on a futon. Thanks for the feedback
Driving 10 hours just so you can see both sides on Christmas is hell-a-lame.
I suggest if your family is getting you for Thanksgiving, his gets you for Christmas. Then next year you switch.
If your H is saying that the decision is yours, then spend Christmas with your family! Why make a choice that you don't want? If it were so important to your H to spend Christmas day with his family, he would/should have told you so.
In fact, I would say that you should "reserve" a special time at Christmas for just you and dh - either Christmas eve and/or Christmas morning. Spend time together, THEN go visit your family for the afternoon or dinner.
I'm not sure if your H's family has off the week between Christmas and NYE (or if you and H have the week off), but maybe spend an overnight in between Christmas and NYE to see his family. Or even visit his family for NYE. Then leave on NY day (Saturday) or Sunday morning.
I would also strongly consider putting a holiday at your house into the rotation. Invite both sides, and if his family chooses not to make the trip, they don't "get" another holiday to make up for the one at your house where you saw your parents but his didn't go.
I agree with some of the others - Thanksgiving with your family, Christmas with his, and then decide how you want to work it in the future.
Your entire post is focused on what *you* want and don't want, but you gloss right over the fact that your husband wants to see his family too.
My MIL believes I keep the social calendar for my husband and I as well. Nonetheless, most invitations are directed to me.
Splitting holidays can be difficult and my advice for newly married couples is to act in tandem. The decision should be made by you and your husband in a way that respects both of your wishes.
My husband and I alternate families for Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. This year we will spend Thanksgiving/Christmas Eve with my husband's family and Christmas Day/Easter with my family.
It is hard because we both miss spending certain parts of the holiday with our independent families. And his family was/is not very accepting of how we decide to split the holidays. But, we made the decision together, it is fair, and we stick to it as a unit. It's not fun when we have to go head-to-head with my inlaws, but the longer we stick to our decision as a unit, the easier it becomes.
My inlaws also try to "reserve" the holidays in advance (way in advance). We usually tell them we have not yet thought about the holidays, but would discuss the holiday when it gets closer. Then we repeat as necessary.
I don't think it's fair of your DH to pawn this off onto you. He's setting it up so that when his parents get irritated by whatever decision you make (and they will!), then you're the one who gets the blame for it.
How you spend your holidays has to be a joint decision and you both have to be 100% on board. No throwing your spouse under the bus with your families when somebody gets his or her nose out of joint!
You don't like the way his family spends their holidays or how they interact. Fine. You've a right to your feelings. But they are his family, and he wants to see them, and it's his holiday too, so you need to suck it up and deal. Quit comparing your family and their perfect fun wonderful holiday traditions to his.
If they don't have a huge holiday gathering at their house, and they aren't tied to the idea of being in their home for the holiday, invite them to your home and host them the way you want to.
My opinion may be unpopular, BUT
We do not do long car trips on actual holidays. I think it's ridiculous. And we have kids and we like Christmas in our home.
So ILs are welcome to come to any of our holidays, but they prefer we go there. So we do all the traveling, but on, say, the day after T-giving and/or the weekend before or after Christmas. My on sil is also a drive away, while one is close to them. It seems to work out. What's funny is my ILs don't want to be in the car for the 2.5 hours around the holiday.....so they can't complain.
Really, I think on this board, ppl overcomplicate this issue sometimes. Don't want to drive five hours at the holidays? Don't. Invite them to you. Then it's up to them. WHY SHOULD ONE COUPLE SO ALL THE TRAVELING? I never understood that!
I don't want to sound mean but you sound kinda selfish and unsympathetic to your husbands desires.
Even when you say "being mature" you sound very put-out and burdened.
my plan is likely uber unpopular, but its what we've agreed on so I dont care. I have no desire to spend our first christmas with MIL. We havent spoken a word since our wedding in Jun, and i'm a-ok with that! So we're doing thanksgiving and christmas by ourselves/friends. No splitting of holidays with anyone! Its all about us and creating our own traditions. If any of our family chooses to complain about our decision, our explanation is simple...this is our first holiday season as a married couple and we don't want to stress ourselves out trying to give everyone equal time, we want to enjoy it! Would I like to see my family during the holidays? of course, but not at the expense of having to be around MIL...
Eventually we'll make the trip to visit family around the holidays...maybe
Christmas Eve is on a Friday and Christmas Day on a Saturday this year. If you go to the inlaws it involves a 5 hour trip each way, whether you spend the entire holiday with them or split the weekend.
Why dont you spend Christmas Eve with your family since they are closeby. Then wake up early and leave for your inlaws at 9. You'll be there by 1pm and stay the night and leave Sunday morning or Sunday afternoon if you can bear it.
Bam. Everyone is happy. And you arent too rushed.
This will only work this year since the holiady falls on a weekend. When Christmas falls on a Wednesday, you will need a new plan.
I didn't read all the replies so sorry if I repeat what other have said.
I see nothing wrong with establishing a tradition that you host Xmas at your house, and that they are welcome to come. If they choose not to, that is their business. It isn't as if you don't visit them plenty.
ETA: I see no reason you have to be equal. They live 5 hours away so there is no equal between families. That is life. If you H doesn't care when he sees his family (verify whether this is actually the case) then see his family during a weekend in December but not on Xmas itself.
My family lives 3 hours away, and DH's lives 14 (so a plane ride). Traveling to visit them over Tday/xmas is horrible. There is invariably a blizzard, or the flight is overbooked, etc. Plus we can only go for a few days due to work schedules. Then the trip ends up being super stressful trying to pack all this holiday crap in.
Instead we now go for a nice stress-free week in the summer. The IL's are welcome to visit us over Tday or xmas (they never do lol... they aren't willing to pay the money or go through the hassle). Of course they would rather us come over xmas, but since they aren't willing to reciprocate we have no guilt. long story short, do what works best for you and your hubby, and let him tell his parents the joint decision so that you can stay out of it.
2 families usually means splitting the time between them for holidays whether or not you like to. It's one of those things in a marriage, unless of course, one party's family is too far away to where it's not always feasible, or if one can't stand his/her family and wants nothing to do with them.
But this is something you both need to iron out together, as a couple. There's no reason why he should leave it all up to you all the time.
Rotating holidays or splitting them up usually works best. For example, both of our immediate families are local, so we do Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas day with his side. Thanksgiving we usually do with mine since my sister/BIL come down from upstate. Easters are usually rotated each year, then during the summer holidays (Memorial/Independence/Labor Days) we'll get together with the IL's. If ILs all go camping for those weekends we'll cook out with my parents or the neighbors (H hates camping).
I really like this idea and it could work for you this year. If you plan on traveling the distance anyway and you still want to spend time with your family I would do it this way. I hope things work out.