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lil help...
So, this situation is no special snowflake. Everyone has this problem - in fact, a short post below me discusses this. I'm just trying to get some more ideas.
My fiance and I have been together for a good long time and we're getting married in May. We've lived together for about three years. We both have demanding jobs and are busy/stressed, but love each other and love spending time together.
One of us (ME) is having a hard time with sex. It used to be that I didn't know where the keys to the car were, but once we got it started, I was ready to go. Now, forget the keys, I have no idea where the *car* is. Between keeping the house up to date, myself up to date, tackling my new job, handling my long commute, etc... I feel drained, tired, anxious for the next day, and just stressed out most of the time.
How do I let all that stuff go, relax, and just enjoy sex? I'm so afraid of being Miranda ("Can't we just hurry up and get over with? :facepalm:) because the list in my head of what needs to get done is miles long. I love him, I want to have some spontaneous fun, but I also need to relax and balance. I don't want to feel guilty that I fell asleep (AGAIN!) because I'm exhausted.
I think some erotic readings would be good for me (just put my mind in a different place) and I read the suggestion of just going away for a weekend where work doesn't matter anymore. I like those... What else? What has worked for any of you?
Re: lil help...
Pay a housecleaner.
Seriously, get someone to come in and clean your house twice a month and take that stuff off of your mental list. It is probably cheaper than you think and honestly, what is a good sex life worth to you?
Change the time of day for sex. Have a quickie in the shower before work or throw dinner in the oven and have sex while it warms up. Heck, I have had sex on the kitchen floor while water heated up for pasta!
Also, don't limit your physical intimacy time to just sex. Realize that taking 15 minutes out of your day to just sit and cuddle with each other in bed with no electronic distractions can do huge things for your relationship. When you take the time to be quiet with one another, you will feel more connected which will lead to more sex.
You don't have to do everything every day. Do your major housework on Saturday. Just do simple things durring the week. Hire a housekeeper once a week or every other week. I think reading a "trashy" novel every now and then might be a good idea if you think that would help.
I also agree with pp about quiet time. Take time to have dinner with no tv or distractions. Light a few candles once a week. Have a picnic in the back yard.
Take a shower together. H and I do that pretty often. Most of the time, it is just a shower with no sex. We talk, I scrub him, he scrubs me. It just gives us time together.
You just have to find time, make time to destress and be intimate.
Agreed with DaringMiss...you need a lil' help alright! You're overstressed and tired, with a list of things mile long to do yet. Have you asked your FI to help you out? Or is he just as busy and tired? If he is, get some outside help. You need something to take a bit of the load off from you in any case.
As for personal suggestions, reading does help me shift my mind to a better place for intimacy. A good romance novel does the trick fine, haha.
Hiring a housecleaner is seriously high on my list. I was given some marriage advice not long ago that said "Save yourself the fight - just hire someone to do it. You'll thank me." Ha.
My fiance helps when I ask and realizes that, with my new job, things aren't quite as simple as they used to be. He's wonderful. We cuddle up a lot at night but it almost never leads anywhere because we're both tired or I tell him no. I need to stop saying no and realize that all those things I'm concerned about will be just fine if I take 45 minutes (or whatever) to enjoy a little sex. It just feels like something to tick off these days and move along with everything else. I don't want it to be like that for him or for me. I know that I wouldn't be saying no if my mind was in the right place.
You're also right - I should think about it not as solely a nighttime activity and mix it up. And I seriously think a weekend away would do both of us a hell of a lot of good.
Would it help to actually write down your list on paper? Sometimes I do this when I'm stressed. If I write it down, then I'm not spending all my time trying to remember what's on my list. Also, when I see it written down, sometimes it doesn't seem like so much to do and/or helps me figure out which one to do first.