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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
s/o weddings, a POLL
the mention of the expensive gifts got me thinking about another very generous "gift" some couples get, that of a wedding.
so, now that (most of us) are married, let's look back.
Re: s/o weddings, a POLL
This poll makes me cringe a little. Money was a sore, sore subject with my ILs when wedding planning. They made it he!!.
I'm proud of us though, we never expected our parents to pay for the whole thing, we shopped smart when buying things, we did things ourselves to save money etc. I'd say we still had a pretty decent wedding.
I'd say we paid about 1/3. Especially when you include all the little things we bought. Our parents split the biggest bill which was for the reception dinner, open bar etc.
our parents each gave the same crazy generous amount to pay for the wedding. and on top of it they gave us a very nice cash gift afterwards.
while i know that parents are NOT required to give their children money for their weddings, i'll admit to being surprised that my/DHs parents didn't even offer.
DH's parents gave us a certain (generous IMO) amount. Well technically they didn't give it to us, they kept it and we just went to them when we needed deposits & payments. They insisted on hosting the rehearsal dinner, and they took the expenses of that (food, decor, rental fees etc) out of the "wedding fund". I thought that was a little odd, but I didn't really want to complain either. MIL considered taking the expense of renting tuxes for BIL and FIL out of the wedding fund too. Supposedly she didn't though.
My parents didn't have any certain amount set aside for us. Their "motto" was that whatever needs to be paid for, will be paid for. They didn't want us to worry.
We have a rough figure of exactly who spent what. I wish we would have kept better track, but oh well. I'd probably just dwell on it. I'd kinda like to know the final $ figure for our whole wedding, but that doesn't matter.
strength- i would find that odd too, that they didn't even offer. Or at least say "we can't help with much, but we would like to pay for your flowers, limo, cake, DS' tux ...something".
My dad gave us a fixed amount which pretty much covered everything. DH and I paid for a various things along the way (invites, rehearsal dinner, the hotels for us and my dad and other little decor things) but the big bills were covered by my dad.
We didn't expect my dad to give us as much as he did, but it was relatively soon after my mother died and my dad was dealing with a lot of guilt - especially from the fact that he benefited from the life-insurance and accident settlement while we all lost her. So, with that in mind he bought my sister a car for her growing family and said that we could have the equal amount for our wedding. I would have happily had a simple court-house wedding (like we did when we eloped) and kept it at that if it would have meant my mother could be there.
DH's parents also gave us a generous sum to help cover wedding expenses, but we put most of it directly into savings and they were fine with that.
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We paid for the wedding ourselves with my parents giving us a generous gift. Randy has been on his own since he was 17. His mom was not employed at the time of our wedding, nor is she now. His dad died the January before we were married, but he hadn't worked for years anyway, and Randy never even lived with him ever. We never expected any help from anyone in his family.
It was a lot of work to save and pay for it, and I am so proud of us that we did it!
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Married Bio
i assume they figured since we were in our 30s and therefore adults with good jobs, we didn't need the help. but, the traditionalist in me was thinking "i'm my dad's only daughter!" and just figured they'd surprise us with a check at some point.
my dad did pay for half of our rehearsal dinner in Aruba so that was unexpected and nice. my mom never offered to pay for anything (that i can recall). and actually, we didn't get wedding gifts from any either of my parents either. i assume that is because they made the trip to Aruba.
*shrug* oh well. but it sure would have been nice to put the $$$ we spent on the wedding toward a down payment on our next house instead. but, it was our choice to have a destination wedding and AHR.
We paid for our own wedding (including rehearsal dinner, honeymoons, etc.) with the exception of:
-Mom and step-dad paid for half of my wedding dress
-Dad contributed toward the photography (as a wedding gift)
-MIL paid for a custom-made Chinese style RD dress for me, and she and her Chinese relatives gave us a nice cash gift, which is traditional.
-My mom and sisters generously contributed their time and creative talent to design/create our wedding jewelry, invitations, table linens, etc. (I paid for the materials.)
We never expected any financial contributions toward our wedding. We were just thrilled to have everyone fly out to celebrate with us, and having hand-made items designed by my family members was extra cool to me
I know it's still very common for parents to pay for their kids' weddings, but the idea seems strange to me. Maybe because my husband and I both grew up poor? We've always been used to being on our own, money-wise.
My parents gave us a set dollar amount that they were willing to cover and would pay for whatever we wanted up to that point.
My mom didn't agree with my desire to have a photographer travel 2 hours from the cities to my hometown, so I paid for that myself. I also bought decorating odds and ends, here and there, as I would find them on sale.
We didn't expect them to pay for anything, but it would have been nice to offer....or see that my parents were paying much more...I don't know, I guess I wish it was more even. If that makes sense.
My husband and I covered the cost of the open bar at the reception.
My in laws paid for the rehearsal dinner. All in all, they got off cheap. But I'm not bitter or anything.
That said, I had the wedding of my dreams, so none of it really matters now. But at the time, it was definitely a sore spot for me. I just felt bad for my parents that they were giving up so much (when they aren't exactly rich) and .....
Baby Boy born 5.3.15
We went into wedding planning with the idea that we would pay for 100% of the wedding, we were in our 30's and were capable of covering the costs ourselves. We didn't expect any money from anyone.
Then my parents gave us $10K a year before the wedding and told us to spend it on whatever we wanted ... the wedding, save for a house down payment, invest, buy a car ... whatever. We already had a house down payment saved and didn't have any other big expenses we needed the money for, so we put the entire $10K toward the wedding. It didn't cover the whole thing, but covered over 50% of the cost. We appreciated the gift very much.
Andy's mom said she would pay for our rehearsal dinner, but then when it came time to pay the bill that night, she asked if Andy would cover it and she said she would pay him back when she got her next paycheck. She still hasn't paid him back (2.5 years later), so while it was a nice gesture to offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner, she never actually paid for anything. Not a big deal, we're in a better financial situation than she is and I feel better that we were able to cover the cost rather than creating a hardship for her.
Andy's dad didn't pay for anything. He has money, he's just a tight wad. He never pays for anything. Ever. He feels that he's raised his kids and doesn't owe his kids anything. Now it's his turn to be taken care of. In the long run, it's better that he didn't pay for any of the wedding, he would hold it over us and use it to guilt us into giving him what he wants for the rest of his life.
Mr. Sammy Dog
We paid for a bunch of things but the bulk of it was on my parents. I literally ran every decision by them and asked if they were ok with it and they kept telling me that you only do this once and to make it the wedding we wanted it to be. We paid for the limo, the invites, my dress, all the deposits for vendors, the videographer, and our custom wine labels. They paid for the rest.
They did tell us that if we decided to elope, they'd just cut us a check for what they *would* have spent on a big formal wedding. I have to admit, with all the drama we had with DH's family, it was incredibly tempting!!
*M&M* Super Pitbulls
We ended up getting about 20-25% of the cost for the wedding/honeymoon from our parents. Everything else was on us.
We are really proud of ourselves for not using credit cards. Everything was completely paid for by the time we got home from our honeymoon. :-)
My Blog
My parents paid for almost everything. DH and I paid deposits on stuff and then my parents covered the rest. DH's parents are divorced, his dad paid for the bar and rehersal dinner and his mom did not offer to pay for anything. On the flip side, my parents gave us 2 very generous gifts, we got a little money from his mom and nothing from his dad for gifts.
Now that I look back on it, I feel bad that my parents paid so much but they insisted. I wish we could have paid for more
My parents initially said they'd give us $5000 (because they had paid that amount for various parts of my brother's wedding), so we knew we'd need that for the reception in the end. We had a pretty inexpensive wedding, but that's because I didn't give a $hit about most of the traditional stuff.
When D's mom died, we had a lot of unexpected expenses about 5 months before the wedding that really socked us - travel costs, some of the funeral costs, etc. My dad actually went back to his former place of employment as a consultant (while keeping his current job) during the course of all this, and I didn't have to worry about any of the major wedding stuff. I know my dad worked more to help us out (although he'd never admit it). So in the end, they probably paid about $9000, and that included our honeymoon. Looking back on it, I think we had an awesome wedding, and it was only about $11k total. I think my parents were kind of impressed with what we had on our budget. Plus, I had a ton of family and friends helping us (including the lovelies anitalynn, Little Sweetie, Mrs. Luebke, and Payne2Be!
) as their gift to us.
my read shelf:
We paid for a little over half. my parents gave us a generous gift, my il's paid for our honeymoon as a gift, and we paid for everything else.
We had a friend taking photos for us before the wedding instead of a pro, a friend run food in (Thanks, Anita) and knotties put my invitations together. I DIY'ed a LOT of stuff.
I think this is the reason our parents didn't step up at first either.
My parents never really wanted to discuss it, and I was always a little sad about that whole "I'm y our only daughter" thing and having them not really take part. DH's parents - a whole 'nother can of worms. They told him they weren't paying because he'd had one wedding already (he's divorced). I thought that was really uncool. They also didn't have a problem discussing all they were paying for, for his brother's wedding, in front of or with us. Not really a subject we wanted to get into with them, especially when it was about their wedding.
In the end, my mom paid for my wedding dress (which was a $100 gold bridesmaid dress from DB), and decided to help pay for our honeymoon cruise. The week of the wedding, DH's mother gave him a check and it was a really nice last-minute gesture.
Ugh, I hate this subject...it gives me horrible memories. Such a sore subject for me.
Way before we ever got engaged, DH's parents were obsessed with us getting married. They'd bring it up all they time, and his dad would go on an on about how when we get married, he's going to pay for X, Y, Z (the typical, "groom's family" items). I just kind of blew it off at first, but he kept saying it, even after we got engaged. So, naturally we assumed that would happen. In addition, my dad and stepmom asked us early on how much we thought we'd be spending on the wedding, then came up with a VERY generous amount they would give us to put towards it. Months passed, and I got a call from my dad saying they could only do half of what they said. A few weeks later, I got a check in the mail from them for even less than that. My mom has no financial common sense, so has no money, and didn't give us anything.
So, we went about things planning as if we were getting all of this money from my dad and his parents, in the end gettting NOTHING from his parents, and much less than expected from my dad, leaving us to foote a bill we could barely afford. We've been struggling ever since the wedding, and it makes me regret the whole thing (not the marriage of course). I know in the end it's our fault for planning without the money in hand, but our parents have never give us a reason to not take them at their word, they've always been dependable, so we just assumed this case would be no different.
Live and learn I suppose!
ETA: I should add, we didn't expect our parents to help or think they are required to help, we just would have planned differently and made some cuts along the way had we known they wouldn't. This is what makes me bitter about it all...
DH and I were very, very, very lucky that my parents and his helped pay for most of the wedding. I know it's a sore subject on TK and TN but we would not have been able to afford a wedding without them.
Our family's were fairly traditional - his fam paid for the rehearsal dinner and everything that went along with that day, bar tab the day of as well as a really generous gift. My folks paid for everything else except my dress and accessories, DH's tux and accessories, our marriage license, the rings, and other small things (we paid for all of those ourselves).