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Splitting the Holidays
This is our first christmas married. We have spent 3 Christmas' together and this will be our 4th. The past 3 years I have had a job that has kept me from spending christmas with my family because they live 6 hours away, therefore, I spent it with his. Anyway, I have a new job and I think we should go see my family (they are very loving and kind, never have a negative thing to say) and he says that he is going to spend Christmas at his brother's like every year because he wants to be with his nephews, no questions asked. He loves them so much and so do I but since we live so far, my family really doesn't know my husband that well. They have only met him a total of maybe 4 times and I want him to see what my Christmas is like. I think that my family will be understanding and try to move their christmas a week so we can spend it with them but I really don't want to ask to do that because I think that they will think "She hasn't been here for 3 years, why can't they come here?" Since they don't know him very well, it is kind of still on a first impression basis and I want to make a good one for him. It also kind of hurts my feelings because when I talked to him about it he said "you can go see your family, we'll just not have christmas together". He said it in a way that was not angry but I feel he knows I am going to give in.
Re: Splitting the Holidays
I'd be hopping mad if my husband gave the impression that my presence in his Christmas was secondary in importance to someone else's. And we'd fight.
Did you get mad and fight?
You need to re-open this discussion with your husband around your expectations for Christmas now you are married.
Is he saying that forever more you will have Christmas with the in-laws.That he will do what he pleases and you will have to pick between him and your family.
What if you both had children? Do you get to pull the, "me and the kids are going to see my parents, you can do what you want." Does he?
But in the bigger picture, is this how he deals with a difference of opinion? Well I'm gonna do x and you can just work around that.
There are times in life when it's ok to make those kinds of statements, but negotiating where you spend Christmas, isn't one of them.
You need to work on how you communicate and negotiate as a couple.
So you barely see him as is, and he's totally okay with not seeing you on a holiday? Great guy you have there.
I think the neighbors would be able to hear me yelling if my husband ever dared to tell me that he refused to spend one holiday with my family and that he places more value on spending Christmas with his family than he does on spending it with me.
And it makes me wonder if this is really the first time you've seen this from him. Just this time, it's particularily important to you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
To a degree, marriage is about sacrifices and also compromise. If he isn't willing to do both, then I wonder what you see in this guy.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ok you need to make a stand, otherwise your entire marriage is going to be about him doing what he wants and you caving to his wants.
"He is a no grey area kind of person." is just code for him being a selfish ass.
This is important enough to bring up, BECAUSE you have such little time together, you need to make sure that you both continue to be a priority in each other's lives.
I'm betting you won't go home without him because then you would have to explain to Mum and Dad that your husband put his nephews above spending time with you, at Christmas. That should speak volumes to you.
Actions speak louder than words. I'd make my plans to travel to my parents, either by car or plane, as he suggested.
Then I'd tell my husband how disappointed I am that he would rather be with his nephews than me. That he made zero effort to stay together for the holiday, our first as a married couple. I wouldn't say it angrily but I'd say it. And I would make it clear that this was his choice, and it is a sad one.
Splitting up for the holiday isn't the end of the world. Many do it successfully. It's his cavalier attitude and willingness to let you take-on the traveling alone and without his support that bothers me.
You can't make him care, but you can give him the room to change his mind.
Im angry for you too.
You dont seem to count for anything. Or at least your feelings dont.
He's being a horse's derriere about this.
You've spent three Christmases in a row with his family; you have the chance, for once, to go see yours, and his attitude is "Do what you want, but I'm going to my brother's house to be with my nephews"?!
Did he marry his nephews, or did he marry you?
I understand not wanting to have this discussion on the phone, but it's too important to table it just because you only see each other on the weekends. He is totally disregarding your feelings and desires, and you're all too willing to excuse it as "just how he is." Well, you don't get to be all black-and-white, my way or the highway, when you're married!
Make your plans and go. With or without him.
But- I would still stand firm. "You are important to me which is why I've spent the past 3 w/ you and your family. However, I miss my family and want to see them. As you have been w/ your family for the past 3 years, I thought you'd be willing to see my family this year. how would you feel if you never saw your family at the holidays? That is basically what you are expecting me to deal with by telling me that for us to be together, I have to not see my family."
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree ECB, thank you for helping me put this into words! Thats exactly how I feel!
My H has spent the past 3 Thanksgivings and Christmases that we've known each other with my family cause his live out of state and mine are 2.5 hrs away. This year for Christmas we're going to see his and I'm really sad I won't be seeing mine. It'll be the first time I've not spent Christmas with my family. I know I'm being selfish (in dragging my feet with preparations) but my family's really close and his isn't. (By choice they only get together every 5 years.)
So I can understand your H's view, but not how callous he's being about it.
He loves his nephews... doesnt he love his WIFE?
He's always there... so missing ONE year shouldn't devastate them.
It's not worth changing... his wife wanting/needing him to go with her to her family's for the holidays isn't worth the inconvenience of changing his routine for ONE YEAR....
Honey, you are a much more tolerant woman than I am. My H and I live closer to his family and we do a lot of things with them, and every year we have to split our holidays but you can bet money on the fact that we will see my family. Yes, we usually have to move thanksgiving dinner for my family but Christmas Eve is with one, Christmas Day is with the other. Thats how it is and there would be hell to pay if he tried to disregard and disrespect my family like that.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Honestly, I think he's probably just young and immature and this is probably one of the biggest changes he's had to go through in life up to this point. Change is always hard on everyone and some families start to let go of christmas traditions earlier than others. He's definitely being selfish and he's probably testing you and trying to reinforce power in the relationship. I really liked this statement from an earlier post.
"Then I'd tell my husband how disappointed I am that he would rather be with his nephews than me. That he made zero effort to stay together for the holiday, our first as a married couple. I wouldn't say it angrily but I'd say it. And I would make it clear that this was his choice, and it is a sad one."
I think your husband also needs to think about how this will look to your family. If they already don't know him very well, this is going to look horrible on his part.
Just so you know you are not alone...my husband and I both said similiar things to eachother last year (which was also our first christmas together as a married couple after dating for 6 years). We had always spent holidays between our families, but never christmas morning when we all opened gifts...We definitely ended up comprising as the time got closer and spent it together. It will just take time to get through the adjustment but I'm hoping he will come around. The big issue here is that he hurt your feelings by being so nonchalant about it and you need to let him know that!
Are you kidding me? This is what Skype was made for. It has solved many family holiday issues in my family with their in-laws. I happen to have one of those "everyone has to be there" families and if one of our close relative's spouse wants to go to the in-laws on year we just make a time for a webcam chat. Skype has made it so easy to the point that we can have a family to in-law chat for hours with minimal issues. It works great if you are in different time zones because then you can have different present opening times, and so on.
Your husband needs to be open to possibilities like this. If he isn't willing to follow the idea that he goes to your family's and has, say, an hour long chat with his nephews, then he being down right selfish about it. And you should really start to re-evaluate your marriage. With all of the technology out there they my way or the highway policy of family holidays does not work. At least not in my house.