Is the big D an option for you?

tshott · October 2010

Drew and I are very adamant that divorce is NOT an option for us. I know that not everybody shares the same opinion, but it blows my mind how quickly some people jump to that conclusion.

I lurk occasionally on the sex & romance board and I can't believe how quickly divorce is suggested sometimes. Anytime somebody posts about having a problem, one of the first responses is to leave and get a divorce.

What do you think about it? Do you agree with how quickly divorce is suggested in society today?

MrsStreff · October 2010

I dont believe in it what so ever. I understand that people change, but thats part of life. People fall out of love... blah blah blah its all an excuse. I plan on staying married to my DH for the rest of our lives! Now a days people just give up on each other and its sad.

moviesprincess · October 2010

I totally think that people jump to divorce too quickly nowadays. There might be some things that are unforgivable but most the times people do it, they are just lazy and do not want to even attempt to work through hard times. We have had times where we were not completely happy with each other and we stuck it out, and worked through them and became a better couple because of this. I hated going through this so early on in our marriage but now I see that it proved to us that we can work through anything together.

I also think this stems from people not taking marriage seriously enough in the first place. I firmly believe that our generation jumps into marriage too quickly because they are in a committed relationship at a convenient time (ex. right out of college) and believe it is time to get married. Then when a rough patch hits, they bail because they were not mature enough in the first place to handle marriage.

FutureMrsNAH · October 2010

Its pretty much not an option but if he pulled a Tiger Woods or abused me, we'd be done. *needless to say I highly doubt those would happen but I can't say its not an option because crazy things do happen.

KathyGee · October 2010

My husband was divorced from his first wife. They were in counseling for more than half of the years they were married. Even their counselor told them they wouldn't make it and should divorce. (They probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place, but that's another story).

Anyway, it would be unrealistic of us to say that divorce is never an option, given the fact that he's already done it once. That said, we CAN say that lessons learned from how NOT to handle a bad marriage in the first place are all we have to go on to make sure ours is not the same outcome.

crows1920 · October 2010

FutureMrsNAH:
Its pretty much not an option but if he pulled a Tiger Woods or abused me, we'd be done. *needless to say I highly doubt those would happen but I can't say its not an option because crazy things do happen.

this

SSM&JLM · October 2010

KathyGee:

My husband was divorced from his first wife. They were in counseling for more than half of the years they were married. Even their counselor told them they wouldn't make it and should divorce. (They probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place, but that's another story).

Anyway, it would be unrealistic of us to say that divorce is never an option, given the fact that he's already done it once. That said, we CAN say that lessons learned from how NOT to handle a bad marriage in the first place are all we have to go on to make sure ours is not the same outcome.

I'm with Kathy, I wouldn't even be with DH if he hadn't gotten divorced from his first wife. Not only should they have not gotten married, she cheated on him twice, so staying together wasn't an option.

I won't say that it's off the table, b/c as Summer said there are BIG dealbreakers for us. I think given DH's history and us seeing many of our friends struggle in their marriages, we would take some of our own advice and look into counseling, communication, etc.

brie&drew · October 2010

We know that we'll do everything we can before deciding that divorce is our only option. There are a few deal breakers, but short of those extremes, he's stuck with me for life.

Mouth*ofthe*South · October 2010

I think people who say divorce is not an option have never witnessed their parents or friends struggle through an abusive or unfaithful relationship. No offense intended for any of you, that's just my personal view. When my parents got married, they were in love. Then, my dad started verbally abusing her and us and they got counseling. Then, he started sleeping with his secretary who was 13 years older than me. My parents got divorced and it's the best thing that could have happened to my sisters, mom and me. If my parents strayed married, I would have had a miserable life. Les and I got married for life and the only way we would ever get divorced was if one of us was unfaithful or abusive. That is an unforgivable offense in both of our eyes. I couldn't love someone I didn't trust.Life experiences effect your views on things like divorce. I do agree that many people jump into marriage too quickly and see divorce as an easy way out, which I think is what most of you are saying.

Pookums · October 2010

FutureMrsNAH:
Its pretty much not an option but if he pulled a Tiger Woods or abused me, we'd be done. *needless to say I highly doubt those would happen but I can't say its not an option because crazy things do happen.

This almost exactly my first thought was about cheating because the abuse part didn't even occur to me but that would be a scenario I wouldn't put up with either.

I just know myself well enough to know, any amount of counseling would likely not get me over cheating.

shelley1002 · October 2010

As a last resort once we've tried counseling and really put effort into making it work and it just won't, then yes, we would.

Obviously cheating and abuse are deal breakers too but neither of those are very likely to happen. Its not in either of our nature.

DH's parents are divorced, for a little over 30 years now, and its still very bad between his parents. So he wouldn't have married me if had any doubts that it wouldn't last.

autumn wren · October 2010

I may be young, but I am very old-fashioned. I believe that in today's society, the vows between a couple at the alter are just words and that marriage itself i seen as "disposable". Rusty & I do not believe in divorce, either. We were watching a movie when we first got married and one of the characters said, "Mend it, don't end it" and we laughed because that's exactly what we believe.

When my grandparents first met, he was in the military and she was a waitress at a small local restaurant. He came into that restaurant and saw her and asked if he could write letters to her while he was away. She agreed. They wrote weekly, having only met that one time, and he proposed through one of those letters. Within a month of him returning home for good, they got married. They celebrated 50 years this year. That right there is my motivation for a healthy and happy marriage. If they can do it without even really knowing each other beforehand, anyone can. It just takes honesty, devotion, patience, and communication.

Mitzzi23 · October 2010

Of course our intention is for life. However, if we have exhausted every other avenue then it could be a possibility. An unhappily married couple can cause damage to children the same way a divorce can. Oh and cheating, forget it!

LindsayM · October 2010

Mouth*ofthe*South:
I think people who say divorce is not an option have never witnessed their parents or friends struggle through an abusive or unfaithful relationship. No offense intended for any of you, that's just my personal view. When my parents got married, they were in love. Then, my dad started verbally abusing her and us and they got counseling. Then, he started sleeping with his secretary who was 13 years older than me. My parents got divorced and it's the best thing that could have happened to my sisters, mom and me. If my parents strayed married, I would have had a miserable life. Les and I got married for life and the only way we would ever get divorced was if one of us was unfaithful or abusive. That is an unforgivable offense in both of our eyes. I couldn't love someone I didn't trust.Life experiences effect your views on things like divorce. I do agree that many people jump into marriage too quickly and see divorce as an easy way out, which I think is what most of you are saying.

This, exactly.

MarJo03 · October 2010

Mouth*ofthe*South:
I think people who say divorce is not an option have never witnessed their parents or friends struggle through an abusive or unfaithful relationship. No offense intended for any of you, that's just my personal view. When my parents got married, they were in love. Then, my dad started verbally abusing her and us and they got counseling. Then, he started sleeping with his secretary who was 13 years older than me. My parents got divorced and it's the best thing that could have happened to my sisters, mom and me. If my parents strayed married, I would have had a miserable life. Les and I got married for life and the only way we would ever get divorced was if one of us was unfaithful or abusive. That is an unforgivable offense in both of our eyes. I couldn't love someone I didn't trust.Life experiences effect your views on things like divorce. I do agree that many people jump into marriage too quickly and see divorce as an easy way out, which I think is what most of you are saying.

My mom and dad fought, and had been threatening divorce, since I was in 4th grade. They separated a year before, when I was starting my Sr Year. They tried counseling for years, but nothing worked. Turns out my dad was gay, sooo there wasn't much that could be done.

Now after saying that, I see what it does to families. And the adults involved. I've lived it first hand. And I grew up with friends (who I consider family) with happy healthy parental relationships. So I've seen all sides, and how it's handled.

Divorce for us is not a likely option. We both know it takes work, and love, and effort to keep the love alive. But the only reason either of us would get a divorce was after the second offense of cheating, we'd try to work through the first time cheating with counseling. Or if one of us tried to kill the other one. Or if Dh turns out to be gay.

Other than those two instances, divorce is not something I want to go through. So it's easier for me to say I dont believe in it, than explain the whole thing every time the conversation comes up.

oreille · October 2010

LindsayM:

Mouth*ofthe*South:
I think people who say divorce is not an option have never witnessed their parents or friends struggle through an abusive or unfaithful relationship. No offense intended for any of you, that's just my personal view. When my parents got married, they were in love. Then, my dad started verbally abusing her and us and they got counseling. Then, he started sleeping with his secretary who was 13 years older than me. My parents got divorced and it's the best thing that could have happened to my sisters, mom and me. If my parents strayed married, I would have had a miserable life. Les and I got married for life and the only way we would ever get divorced was if one of us was unfaithful or abusive. That is an unforgivable offense in both of our eyes. I couldn't love someone I didn't trust.Life experiences effect your views on things like divorce. I do agree that many people jump into marriage too quickly and see divorce as an easy way out, which I think is what most of you are saying.

This, exactly.

This. I see the idealism of thinking that divorce is the easy way out, and people do jump into it too easily, very often in our society. But sometimes it isn't the easy thing to do. Sometimes its hard. And sometimes, it is the best thing that can be done for some families. The right thing.

It's not black and white.

tshott · October 2010

Drew has a half sister which is the result of his father having an affair. His mom and his dad stayed together and worked though it. Drew's half sister comes to visit every so often and she is such a sweet girl.

Because of this, I know that Drew would never, ever cheat on me. He's seen, first hand, what it can do to a family. But, even if he did, I think that it's something that we could work through.

Abuse would be a challenge though. It's not something that happens overnight and I don't believe that it's something that could be fixed overnight. Counseling would be a must and I would demand that counseling through the church takes place.

Is the big D an option for you?

Re: Is the big D an option for you?

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