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Attraction to women (long - sorry)
I am in the middle of a hot mess and I am looking for genuine advice from people who have maybe been in the same situation or can offer me their opinion. I'm not looking to get attacked.
For as long as I can remember, I've been attracted to girls. My first sexual experience (just touching) was with my best friend - a female. I dated several men before I got married, but was always attracted to their personalities rather than their appearance. I had fooled around with a few girls, but nothing happened beyond kissing. I have always thought I might be bisexual, and my husband knows that, but I have never properly experimented - I'm only 21.
We moved to Sydney (Australia) at the start of the year and my feelings towards women have escalated. Being gay is so openly accepted here, and the suburb where I live seems to have more gay people than straight people. A few months ago I realised I have lost my attraction to men completely, except for my husband. I openly embraced being bi.
My husband and I became regulars at a bar down the road, and I soon became friends with a girl who works there, who happens to be a lesbian. We went out alone for the first time three weeks ago, and we kissed. The sexual energy with her was incredible, and maybe it's just been too long since I experienced that first kiss magic, but it felt like nothing I had ever experienced. Since then, I have kissed her on two separate occasions, the last being on three days ago when we made out three different times in the bathroom at the bar...I was very aggressive and all over her, and basically wanted to sleep with her right then. But she told me she can't do anything more with me, not because she doesn't want to, but because she's just started dating this girl and it's getting serious. I went home and cried, not because I felt guilty, but because she pushed me away. All I can think about is being with her, and it's driving me crazy.
My husband knows about all of this. He's not exactly thrilled, but he really wants me to go out and explore these feelings. But I'm scared that if I do I'm going to destroy our relationship. We've been married for less than five months, which I know must look like a terrible sign of things to come. I'm terrified that if I do it once, it's not going to be enough. I don't want to lose my husband. He is my whole world, I love him more than anything and I can't imagine my life without him. But he also points out that if I don't act on it now, my feelings are just going to bubble up inside of me and it could explode into something much worse later down the track. I don't feel guilty when I'm with her, even though I know I probably should. There's something so amazing about kissing her. I'm also finding myself less sexually attracted to my husband - we've never had the best sex life. I'm a very sexual person and I've always wanted it much more than him (it's something we used to fight about a lot), but lately I haven't wanted to do it at all. He has obviously noticed this. I don't even know if I would enjoy having sex with a woman - and I guess there's only one way to find out. I know that this is a decision only I can make, but I would appreciate any advice.
Re: Attraction to women (long - sorry)
Annulment. Now.
Your husband is encouraging this? Mind blowing.
I'm with the PP about the annullment. Do him a favor and get out of this marriage; whether you are bi or lesbian is meaning less at this point. You got married for the wrong reason: to "prove" whether or not you were straight...or to run away from the fact you are bi or lesbian.
To remain married to your H would be doing him an injustice. GL.
As overwhelming and horrible as ending your marriage seems now, it will only be worse -- in every way -- if you prolong this.
I'm not saying you have to file for divorce and join a gay activist club, but not figuring this stuff out now isn't going to make it any better.
I'd suggest a separation while you figure things out.
I don't think you should feel guilty. It would be shameful if you were hiding it from your husband but your not. Maybe instead of exploring your feelings about women on your own you should involve your husband. It can be something new and maybe help you become more attracted to him. And your right you don't even know if you will enjoy being with a woman. So you should find out so you know for sure before getting yourself so worked up it ruins your marriage.
Get out of the relationship with your H now. The longer you draw it out the worse it will be. It is not fair to you or him. You are gay. There will be a point where your H will not be ok with your "experimentation" and the fact that you said he wasn't thrilled about it, means it will probably be sooner than later.
Also, since your sex life kinda is not great (because you like women) you 2 will just grow further apart. And bitterness will follow.
I think that the both of you deserve to be happy. You with another woman and him with another woman. But this marriage most likely will not last.
And why would you want to be married to a man when you most clearly want to be with women? Don't you think you are kinda being selfish not only to yourself, but to him by merely staying in the relationship because you LOVE him more as a friend? What about him? Don't you think he deserves to be with someone who desires him like you desire that girl at the bar? Just something to think about.
I also think you won't be truly happy unless you are solely with women. Just from reading your post.
Best of Luck to you.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
My mom and dad were married for 20 years. My dad is gay. They had some great times, and their divorce was EXTREMELY painful for both of them, but they are still good friends. Their common bond was their religion and their desire to have a family. Of course, they got married when nobody really understood the genetic component of homosexuality. My mom didn't even know he was gay until they were married about 14 years.
Anyway, my dad always hated life. He NEVER wanted to live, and was depressed all the time. Now that he's out, he's a new person. He has a zest for life and is moving to Oak Lawn - the San Fransisco of Texas.
My point is, you can hang on to your marriage, and it may work for a long time. But you will NEVER have the fulfillment you would otherwise have from being true to your sexuality.
Homosexuality is a on a spectrum. Just because a person is gay doesn't mean they can't love a person of the opposite sex in a romantic way. My grandmother is a lesbian and has been deeply in love with a man at one point in her life. But physical attraction is a key element in a relationship.
If you aren't okay with the idea of an annulment right now, I would suggest an official separation. You can experience life the way you were born to, and you'll probably realize a marriage like this can't make you happy.
Thank you so much for your responses Kirst and Opaline. I knew I was going to get hit with a bunch of messages telling me to leave my husband, but I'm not ready to do that. Thank you for giving me thought out answers.
The whole thing is just a nightmare for me, because I'm still so confused about my sexuality myself. I've never been made to feel that being gay is wrong - my family is very open about it, and I have plenty of gay friends - so I know that I'm not trying to suppress anything. I love my husband dearly and don't want to leave him - I just wished I had gotten this out of my system earlier...
out of your system?
Do you really think you're going to run around with some girls, bed one and then suddenly, the itch has been scratched and your feelings will change?
I absolutely believe sexuality is a spectrum, but it really does not sound like you are very attracted to men. Your initial post doesn't talk about your equal or even rival attractions to men/your husband and other women, it really focuses on women.
There's nothing wrong with that, but I think you really need to consider what you are doing to your husband.
As someone who is divorced, and dragged out that decision for years, I promise you that time only makes it harder and makes it worse, for both of you.
Again, I'm not advising you to show up with divorce papers, but talking about some separate time would be a good idea.
I completely agree with this.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I am with Opaline- separation.
Long story short, I had a best friend in love with me and he ended the friendship. He was gay and dated men but fell for me still. I will leave it at that.I would not recommend involving her husband. Relationships are hard enough with two people, things do not get easier with three. I think they are better off getting a divorce if she is not sure about her sexuality. He deserves someone that will love him and be devoted to him rather than have a wife with a girl friend.
I had a friend who was married less than a year and found out her husband was talking to another woman. She decided to hang out with the woman and eventually gave in to her husband's threesome fantasy to hopefully improve their relationship. She had invisioned the women could be her best friend and they could hang out and be together while her husband was away at work. Needless to say over a year later the other woman ended up pregnant and my friend has left her husband and filed for divorce. From all of the details I know of the situation, I believe the other woman and my friend's husband only involved my friend to make their affair "ok." My friend now agrees. The husband actually claims he never had sex with the woman and it must have happened while they were all fooling around during their non-intercourse threesome. Ha. I bet. The moral of the story is, it ended badly and my friend regretted the whole thing.
You're an adulterer. Or a wannabe adulterer anyway. If you were interested in other men and wanted to mess around with men not one PP would have said, "Go you. You do your thing and figure out if you can be happy in your marriage or if you need something else."
Not. One.
When you got married, you promised to be true to your spouse. No caveats or addenda. Being bi or lesbian does not give you an excuse to betray the promise you made to your DH. I'm all for letting people live alternative lifestyles. Hey, whatever floats your boat. If you were swingers, that would be one thing. But you said in your OP that your H was not happy with it.
Your an adulterer--and since our society at large has not come to the point where same sex relationships are embraced as a perfectly normal--you are using your attraction to another woman as a way to validate your lack of morals. Society didn't give me a chance to explore my sexuality before marriage. This is my only option. Your actions are giving the conservative blowhards a good example to point at when they say that homosexuality is a threat to the institution marriage.
Congratulations!
For the record--in case I haven't made myself 100% clear--I am not against homosexual relationships of any kind (be they marriages, dating, fvkbuddies, whatever). I have issues when self-centered dovchebags use their sexual "confusion" (P.S. Your OP made it sound more certain than not that you're much more into girls than boys) to rationalize their selfish actions.