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Brother drama...venting.
A little background: My brother is 10 years older than me. He has always had a rocky relationship with our mom. His dad, and his dad's side of the family have all passed on. So, mom's side of the family and I are the only blood relatives he has left.
He has just this week decided to estrange himself from the entire family, including me. Without airing too much of my family's dirty laundry, I will just say that he did this after yet another arguement with our mom and after finding out that he has been helping his oldest son's mom 'behind his back'. In the last three days via email, he has told off our mom, our grandma (who by the way has done nothing but defend him and help him), and now me. I had been trying to appease him and talk him down from being so downright mean (things you wouldn't even say in a letter that you'd later rip up and never send, he has said to all of us and copied the whole family), and then just appease him so I could still have a relationship with my nephews and neice. But now, he has told us all to take a hike and has gone so far as to delete me from his Facebook. (I thought we were adults?!?).
If he wants to be angry and distance himself from the family, then fine. But I don't think it's fair to keep his kids from us. It's like he thinks he can treat us all like dirt and we have to forgive him because he has kids, and now he's even keeping them from us. His behavior is just...ridiculous.
Re: Brother drama...venting.
Parents and children tend to be a package deal. Too bad he's not being a good parent.
You said he, but I think you meant she. Am I right? Is your Mom helping his oldest son's mom (i.e.: his ex)? I can see where that would cause significant strain on their relationship. Your mom has every right to do that, of course, but there are consequences. I'm clearly not understanding everything. How did you and grandma get involved?
As for the kids, why would you think you could see his kids if you're not on speaking terms with him?
So just allll of a sudden he just completely cut everyone off for absolutely no reason at all.
I don't believe it. What is the back story?
has gone so far as to delete me from his Facebook
I have to laugh at this. You make it sound liek that's the worst of his offenses- defriending you on FB. But I think that's the simplest part of this.
HOnestly, I never understand the "I hate the parent, but I want a relationship w/ the kids" posts. As the first poster said, they are a package deal. He has issues w/ you all and why you think he should play nice so you all can see his kids... I don't get the logic. I really don't.
People *I* don't like - they sure as heck aren't going to have access to my kids!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Help or enable?
Big difference.
It might not be fair, but it's his decision. If he wants to cut your side of the family out, keeping the kids away from you make sense. I'm sorry you got hurt in the fall out.
Well, if you do want to have a relationship with his children, you are going to have to do it on his terms.
That's kind of how things work when you have children -- if people don't have a relationship with you, they don't enjoy access to your children. Maybe he's using his kids to try to force you all into forgiving him, or maybe he just means what he says and he doesn't want to have you all in his life anymore, which means not having you in his children's lives either. It's tough, especially if you like the children, but that's just how it is.
I wouldn't think I would see the kids if we weren't speaking, I just find it ironic that he seems to think that because he has kids now he can treat the rest of the family like dirt, and we are supposed to forgive him so we can see the kids. He is the one who isn't a big enough person to put aside the differences 'for the kids', not me.
Grandma and I got involved when he randomly decided to copy us on the angry emails to our mom.
I'm sorry, I didn't post to get ridiculed.
I mentioned his deleting me from his Facebook to emphasize his immaturity. He so completely eliminated me from his life in one foul swoop that he deleted me, his sister, from his Facebook. That's like saying "OMG, I'm not your friend anymore". What are we, 12? No, we're adults.
And by the way, I never said I hate the parent but I want a relationship with the kids. I said he's punishing the kids by keeping them from the rest of their family.
Thanks for putting me in a crappy mood for the rest of the day. You SO didn't help.
And by the way, I don't get why you're all assuming he's being reasonable. We aren't some family of monsters who want to hurt his kids, or him for that matter. We'd just like a school picture and a phone call every week or two, if that's all he can bear to bless us with. Sure we'd love it if we got to see the kids grow up, have family get togethers at the holidays, all of that. We aren't malicious, and we aren't monsters. He has no reason to think we are, except what he has created in his own mind.
I can see that this was the wrong forum for this. I don't know what would have been, but clearly this was wrong. I shouldn't have posted to begin with.
Of course you would like all these things. Unfortunately, since he is competent to rear his children (or you'd have said he wasn't) and since he is presumed to be acting in the best interests of his children, since he is their father, and since he has final say in what they do, who they see, and where they go, you and your family are out of luck. You provide nothing for anyone to make any kind of decision or judgment about whether he is right or wrong in doing so, or whether he is overreacting or whatever. Which, of course, makes it all too easy to wonder just exactly who's right here.
I can easily see why someone would keep their children away from nosy, overbearing, intrusive, exgirlfriend-siding relatives. I can easily see why someone would 'unfriend' people like this, too. His children do not belong to you, or your mother; they belong to him. If you want to see the children more, it would behoove you to be decent to him. The position that "well, we don't like him or approve of his life/choices, but he's welcome to bring the children and leave them" is not realistic.
Your accusations that I am the lunatic are understandable, however absolutely wrong.
I send him letters, emails, praise his career successes, listen to his AA (yes, AA as in Alcoholics Anonymous) successes, and downfalls. I left work in the middle of the day to drive four hours to his town and take care of his then 6 month old middle son when the son's mother was arrested for driving drunk, picking him up from daycare, and then falling on him in the parking lot, driving him to the hospital drunk, then (finally) being apprehended by local police. (*this is not the same ex girlfriend that my mother has been 'helping', that is his oldest son's mother). I stayed for four days to help take care of him, only to find out three months later that my brother was also 'relapsing' and had been drinking while taking care of the children and had only stopped when I arrived, and picked right up again when I left. He told me this, not someone else.
That's just a snapshot of daily 'family' life dealing with my brother. It wasn't the first time Child Protective Services was alerted to a situation with the children in his care, and it wasn't the last time that he lied to me. He has never once apologized to me, for anything.
I send gifts to him and the children for birthdays and holidays, send Easter baskets and stockings to the kids when I knew he was having a hard time financially, I take off work to come visit, but he does not visit me, or ask how my day was, or ask about my career or my family. He does ask to use me as a reference for section 8 housing (he now makes more money than I do, and I don't qualify or utilize section 8 housing, but this request from him was RECENT), references for apartments, and once or twice to cosign. He has attacked my marriage, which is really rich since he never asks about it so has no idea what is going on in it and so pulls 'ammunition' out of thin air to throw in my face.
Then, when I posted this vent to begin with, it was after four days of verbally abusive emails to our mother, our grandmother, then finally me (I was CC'd on all of them) telling us how horrible we are and that we have no rights (ok, we don't have rights I get that) or REASON, or RIGHT TO EVEN WANT a relationship with his children because we are the monsters, apparently.
All any of us ever do is help him and his children. All he ever does is hate us.
There. Now you have something to base your opinion on.