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What to do about mom...(long, but I'd like advice!)
My mom was a momzilla during my wedding planning. When my wedding weekend came around, she complained about my decisions about the wedding to my MOH, my good friend from HS, and her friends. She kept talking behind my dad's backs to these people also. The day of my wedding, she barely smiled. She had changed things behind my back, and she complained to me 3 or 4 times during the reception. The following day she was on my case again that I left the hotel without saying bye to the otherside of my family, and I cried on my drive home.
When she was about to check in for her flight, my mom dislocated her hip and ended up in the hospital instead of on her flight. She didn't tell me until about 9:30 that night that she was waiting for a taxi to take her to a hotel. I made a point to go out to breakfast with her the next morning before her new flight.
She and I didn't talk for about 10 days (I didn't talk to anyone for about 10 days...I wanted to relax). She was on her way to visit my brother, so it was a short conversation...but pleasant. She asked if I was still mad about her surprise changes and I said that I was over it.
The next week, I got her birthday card out early because she was getting ready to go away again. The card said something about how even though we don't talk as much as we used to because life gets in the way, I still love you. The day AFTER I sent out that card (2 days before her vacation), I got a 3 page e-mail from her telling me how awful of a person I am and how she was basicly disowning me as her daughter. She cussed me out via e-mail! I cried for a few hours. I told DH about it because I was so upset, but he still hasn't actually seen the letter. I forwarded the e-mail to my MOH because I was starting to think I truly was this awful. She said that it was the most hateful thing she has ever read and her accusations were completely bogus.
The next day (1 day before her vacation) she sent me a text asking if we could talk because she didn't want to go 3 weeks without talking to me. SHE CUSSED ME OUT! Now, she wants me to make her feel better for her vacation?!? I texted her back saying I wasn't ready to talk to her.
She's now back from vacation. While she was away, my daughter started walking! Very exciting, but I kept thinking about that letter. I still don't know how to respond and it's been about a month. Last night she found out that my daughter is walking and sent me another message. I responded
"I don't know what to say to you. Everytime I think about that letter you sent me, I cry. I can't believe you actually think I'm that horrible of a person. I often go to start writing back to you, but I find myself getting mean and I don't want that to be my first correspondance with you. That letter was a huge heart ache for me, and I'm still trying to figure out what my response to you needs to be.
I do love you, but I'm not ready to forgive you for break my heart yet."
What should I do from here?
Re: What to do about mom...(long, but I'd like advice!)
umm meet with your mom and TALK about what happened?
Both of you sound like you went a little crazy(maybe her more than you but I still don't think you're faultless). She was a momzilla and all bitchlike, you were angry because she broke her hip and didn't contact you immediately? (this was a little insensitive on your side). Neither of you sound perfect. you sent a birthday card that sounds like she took wrong, and then she retaliates with a letter that just blows up into a big dramatic shitstorm. Go have coffee with her and talk to the lady, stop all the miscommunication and angry words and talk it out
I agree...nothing good comes from communication done solely through letters and texts.
Plus it is better to air feelings instead of letting them stew. Maybe you can solve this now instead of letting it fester inside you for days and weeks to come. No one says that the second you meet you have to forgive her, but at least hear what she has to say and then calmly get your feelings out in the open as well.
There was no way she would have received the card before the e-mail came. As for coffee...she lives 2000 miles away. I'm hesitant about doing it over the phone because she often hangs up on me when she doesn't like what I have to say.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My reaction to this? She can't have it both ways. You can't fire off a hateful letter/email that talks about estrangement from your daughter, and then follow up by wanting to comment on the fact that your granddaughter is walking. What is that all about?
I honestly think that the way you responded to her was perfect (for now.) You're not ready to respond to her, and that's perfectly okay.
What was the letter referring to, if you don't mind me asking? Was it mainly about the wedding?
It's definitely fair of you not to be ready to talk to her yet. And, it's definitely NOT fair of her to tell you she's mad at you but not tell you why. Are you supposed to guess? Don't give her the satisfaction of trying to figure out why she's mad at you.
It was mainly about the wedding. One big thing, that bothers me most, is about my father. My dad and I used to have a rough almost nonexistant relationship. In the last year or 2 we've talked about how we felt and our relationship has done a complete 180! I think it bothers her that he and I actually have a great relationship now. She throws it out, often, about he used to make me cry and how she would stand up for him (not true...she would say "that's because he has a new better life now") and she'd be there for me. Don't you think that she'd be happy that I have a relationship with my father again? Through all of this "mama drama" my dad keeps saying, "As much as I dislike your mother, I wish you two could work this out."
Have you had issues like this with her before? It sounds as though there's something else going on with her (that has nothing to do with you) besides whatever happened at the wedding.
If you want to work it out, you need to have a conversation and ask her why she's mad at you. Give her a chance to explain so that you two can clear the air. Until you get clear on what her anger is about, there's not a lot you can do.
1- your father is not a topic open for discussion. People grow and change and learn - and both of you have and you're happy w/ where you're at. You don't want to hear about the past from her anymore.
2- perhaps along w/ that, thank her for being there for you. She was and you appreciate it. however, things are good for you now in regards to your dad and you want her to support you in the good times too. Not just the bad.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Completely agree.
Wow! Sounds like we are living parallel lives (based on my Aunt rant yesterday), just with different family members!
Hang in there. You'll get lots of great advice here. Sometimes we have to utilize tough love to snap people back in to reality that our self worth and feelings are just as important as theirs.
And you are right not to respond to her full rant until you are ready. It will help you collect your thoughts and say it in context that will be much more productive.
Don't let her play victim anymore. She will continue to hurt you and manipulate anyone who will listen to "her side" and give her all the feel goods she wants/needs.
There are three sides to every story that we tell a 3rd party. Ours, theirs and the truth. Which the truth is usually somewhere in between the misconstrued and typically somewhat twisted feelings either side has.
Good Luck!
Speak sweetly so that if you ever have to eat your words, they don't taste bad.
~Unknown~
Lesson learned!!
Ditto this. And it sounds like your mom does this because there are no consequences for her actions. Did you say anything to her about the changes she made at your wedding? Of coarse if she paid for the wedding, there is little you could have said. I think she needs "quiet time"
Is she mad you did not call her when she was in the hospital with the broken hip? That is about the only thing I could see as an issue on your part (though, I have no idea what kind of bride you were, so maybe she's calling you on that and you just are not ready to hear it yet? I'm just sort of throwings out there.
I think you handled that response better than I would have. You let her know you were really trying to think about what she said, but that you were still too hurt and upset to move forward with a discussion on the subject. I think that is perfectly fair, for a while. You are, however, if you want to salvage this relationship, going to have to talk to her, be willing to apologize for your role in whatever this drama was (and we all have blame in these situations), and then truly be willing to put it in the past and move on.
I am so sorry for your troubles, and I hope that you work this out in a way you can live with soon.
She and my father split the cost of the wedding. I did ask "why are there flowers on my cake?" and she said "because I told them to do it, but it still isn't what I asked for there were supposed to be pillars." She had asked me about flowers on the cake when we first started planning and I told her I "absolutely HATE flowers on the cake"...no offense if you like it, just not my style. The bakers called me about a week before the wedding to confirm everything and they mentioned pillars, and I told them there were no pillars, and they said, yes, for the flowers. I told them there are no flowers. I was completely baffled by why they thought this. This was one argument at the reception. The other flower problem (not my mom's fault) was that we had ordered a small centerpiece for our sweetheart table in memory of DH's mother. After the wedding he was going to bring them to her gravesite so that she would have her wedding flowers. The florist forgot them. I asked my mom if she thought he did the cake flowers instead of the memorial flowers. She took this as me accusing her of "hijacking" DH's mom's flowers.
Sorry for my digressing...back to where I started. This change was the only thing I told her I hated, so I feel like she shouldn't have done it. She had all of these ideas to make the wedding "look more like a wedding" but refused to discuss them with the wedding planner. This turned out to be my fault. I gave her the planner's number and e-mail address, but she refused to use either.
She didn't tell me about her hip until she was leaving the hospital. As for the type of bride I was, I was pretty laid back. I will admit, however, that almost everytime I talked to her about the wedding, I got so frustrated that I turned in to a bridezilla to her. Everytime I felt it come on I told her that I didn't want to talk about the weding anymore. This is when she'd throw my dad in my face.
THe big drama here is that my dad wanted to see invoices for everything he was spending money on and my mom didn't want to show him. She wanted him to trust her. I can see wanting invoices when you're spending that kind of money!
Tell me what are you getting out of this hatefull manipulative relationship?
I love my mother as well but that doesn't mean I have to allow her craziness to interfer in my life. I limit the time I spend with her or talk to her if I didn't her crazy would be all over my worl.
Time to put on your big girl panties
I've got your rainbows and ponies right here
She sounds like an absolute lunatic.
However, it also sounds like you are letting her walk all over you. You keep crying about how mean she is to you ... why on earth do you allow her to keep being mean to you?
You say she lives far away, right? Thank goodness! Just limit your conversations with her to a quick phone call every few weeks (if cutting her off completely is not an option for you right now). Stick to basic questions - what are your plans for the weekend, how's the weather, everyone still alive? O.K., bye, talk to you next time. If she starts going beserk on you, just say, "Mom, don't speak to me like that. Or I'm hanging up the phone." And if she won't knock off the crap, say goodbye and hang up, and don't pick up if she calls you back.
She's only going to get away with as much abuse as you allow her to, and right now it seems like you're allowing her to get away with anything and everything.
You're absolutely right. I have always let her control me. She used to be my main support, until I met DH. Now, he has to be my main support, and I think that's part of the problem for her. My problem is, or at least what i think it is, that I am very much a family person and can't imagine cutting her out...even if she walks all over me and treats me like crap. I was bullied (emotionally) in HS, and she never saw it, so I always just took what was thrown at me. DH has helped me to see that I'm a good person who doesn't need to take crap from other people...for the most part, I'm good at standing my own and being comfortable with the person I am...except when it comes to my mother.
ITA
It's not healthy to continue to allow her to treat you this way just because you consider yourself a family person. Just because you share blood with someone does NOT give them the right to treat you like crap or walk all over you. Have you thought of getting individual counseling? It could really help you find some self respect and teach you how to deal with this behavior and also how put up boundaries with your mom. .
Maybe you should stop being a family person and more of a you person.
Let her go, seriously, just let her go. This relationship can't be good for you, your husband or your daughter. At a certain point you have to put your new family first.
honey, you need some therapy, stat. She is treating you like sh!t and you are letting her. This is not normal or healthy. Put the wedding crap behind you and move forward, but find a therapist and start learning about boundaries. A couple of good books you might want to pick up
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/B001AN8BAC/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1287088115&sr=8-3
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1287088221&sr=8-1
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
I would second the recommendation to look for a counselor/ therapist to talk through these things with. I've been there with family issues and something to keep in mind is: this is what you're used to, and what forms your framework of "normal" in your life experience. An outside eye is helpful here, even for that reason alone.
Another thing that sticks out to me is that you describe your mom being your "main support" until you met your DH, and now he is your "main support." Something to explore- what does that mean to you? What kind of support do you need, and why? Do you think your life should need this much/ this kind of support? I'm tossing these questions out as "food for thought" because it's important to realize whether you are thinking of the people in your life in terms of how much you "want" them in your life or in terms of how much you "need" them in your life.
And lastly (these thoughts are in no particular order)- I'm wondering from some from your posts whether there's a pattern in your/ your mom's relationship in which she gets angry/ on the offensive and you react by reaching out and trying to bridge whatever gap she's just created. If so- I think you are on a great path by reconsidering that and putting it on her to do the bulk of the work in repairing the damage she's done with her letter. You've told her how you feel and how hurt you were by what she wrote to you- there's not much else to do until and unless she chooses to try to mend it.
I have really no advice but wanted to let you know that my mother is the EXACT same person. Everything I say she twists into her own version of how I am "hurting her" and how I am a horrible daughter. She did the same thing at my wedding with changing things and I paid for my entire wedding myself. She then told me that she felt like she was a "guest" at my wedding and I didn't include her enough when I of course did, but she always had a complaint. I too turned into bridezilla with her a few times because I was so sick of what her miserable response would be to anything I did. She also hates my dad who is a very decent man, but won't divorce him. Yet she is so hateful over my great relationship with him that she tries everything she can to sabotage it.
I think what you did was fine and you left the ball in her court. I was married four years ago and the past two years I have not spoken to her at all and my anxiety has completely disappeared. I always apologized, told her that nobody is perfect and if there is anything I did to hurt her that it was not intentional, etc, etc. Not once did she ever apologize or tell me what exactly I did to hurt her even though I asked several times so I could discuss it with her.
I really think it is a mental illness and and in my case I will never "win" these argments. I left the ball in my mothers court two years ago and still no response. This is the first time I didnt try to fix things first. It just shows me that I can't mend this until she gets professional help.
Best of luck.
I am agree with your views.Look relationships are very soft it is just like a thin thread. You always need to take them with care if that is ok you will also be ok and do think for ten times before coming to any conclusion about any one.Thanks.
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