Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Starting a family
DH and I are both 28.
I have written on this board about family members pressuring us for kids. Tonight, it was brought up at a bar. We were out with the family (DH's) and his aunt and uncle brought it up.....are you pregnant yet? Then DH's aunt looks at DH sister and says "wouldn't he make a great father?" Um, am I invisible?
Ugh, I know once we get pregnant, DH's family will be up our ass about names, middle names, where to send to school, etc.....ugh.....my family will be on us about the baptism, nursery decor, etc...
Re: Starting a family
Family is as family does but when their pressure or comments or actions start to really bug you, it's time to nip it in the bud.
First be polite: "I appreciate your inentions but please: back down. You're really crowding the plate on this one." And if they don't seem to have a polite "cut it out" comment hit home? Feel free to be a lot more blunt and to the point.
And make sure you and your H are on the same page: if you are saying "please cut it out; this is annoying" so should he also, no questions asked. GL.
If they're treating you disrespectfully, your H needs to speak up, right at that moment. He needs them to understand that he will not stand for them treating you that way, and that there will be consequences if it continues.
But, if he doesn't have your back, and doesn't see anything wrong with the way they treat you.....everyone say it with me.....you have a H problem, not an IL problem.
ETA: And if you guys start setting boundaries now, it won't be such a surprise when you stand by them once you do (if you do) decide to start having kids.
And if he won't because he doesn't want to upset them (regardless of the fact this is upsetting YOU), then you have a major DH problem.
And if he wn't back you up on this, he won't back you up on anything else regarding the kids.
I know this sounds extreme, but if he won't help you set boundaries (and YOU need to set boundaries w/ your own family - it goes both ways), then you actually really need to think long and hard if this is who you want to have kids with.
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Ditto Tarpon and ECB - this situation is only going to get worse once you do get pregnant and have kids if you and your DH do not set any boundaries with these people.
The only advice I can give about answering the question, "When are you going to get pregnant?" is "We will start trying when people stop asking."
The other stuff, you and H need to agree on answers together, like PPs said.
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thats good advice i might use that..
i know how you feel my ILs keep asking and i think thats why i am so put off by the subject sometimes. good luck
Thank you everyone for your advice-DH and I agree that anymore baby questions will be handled by him. For some reason, people think it is okay to ask the wife, but not the husband-which is probably why women get very annoyed by the baby question!
I also talked to my best friend today adn she said, "what if you guys couldn't have kids and your DH's relatives (and mine on other occassions) are asking you about when you are going to have kids?" I never thought of this-it just made me realize how much of our business and noone else's that having a baby is....
Why do people ask? It's not like we are the only two people left on earth who can have a baby! Why is it a big deal to others?
When asked from now on I am going to say, "There is no right or wrong answer to that loaded question, so when we are prgnant, we will let you know."
lol - I feel your pain. DH is the second oldest in his extended fam (and the only one remotely close to thinking about a family) and the only child in his nuclear fam. Lets just say the pressure is on. It makes me feel a little like I'm under a microscope but I understand that they're just excited about the prospect. Is it right that people ask or drop hints - heck no but it seems like a lot of people are completely oblivious to how awkward a question that is. Sometimes, I want to ask them how things are going between THEIR sheets and see if that shuts them up. lol
DH opened his big fat mouth to his mom and mentioned that we'd been talking about possible kiddo names and his mom of course had a problem with anything he mentioned that we started to like. I could have KILLED him. We went home and had a nice discussion about a) we're not even pregnant yet, no need to share that info with anyone but ourselves and b) when we ARE pregnant, we're not going to be telling people our names because I don't particularly care if anyone else likes it or not and nobody gets a vote but us. Of course that has made baby watch just that much more on high alert. *sigh*
For now, I'm trying to master my sweetest smile and "When there is something to tell you on that front, we'll be sure to keep you in the loop" line.
It was brought up at a bar... To answer the question are you pregnant yet: "Yup, seven weeks" and take a drink of your alcoholic beverage. Honestly, that's so rude to ask!
My family, our church, even our friends ask and hint about babies. His family doesn't seem to care either way. My parents don't have grandkids yet and they are VERY excited about the prospect. Usually we smile at their questions and never answer them seriously. Keep in mind they are just excited to have a baby in the family to spoil and "help" raise and probably don't realize how very rude they are being... Just have your DH set some boundaries with his family and you set some with yours. That's the only way I don't have my mom bringing it up every time we visit